Have we left it too late? Help.

[Kalypso]

Our 9 month old DS is, and always has been, a poor sleeper. I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since his birth. I've been able to function reasonably well despite this, hence my inactivity (procrastination?) with regards to sleep training.

Currently, he won't settle by himself in his cot, but always has to be cuddled or rocked to sleep. He regularly comes in the bed with me in the early hours because he won't sleep (despite half an hour of shushing and cuddling), and will only begin to settle when he's actually snuggled up close in my arms or lying on my chest.

He sucks his thumb and with the other hand likes to stroke (sometimes mash!) my face as he goes to sleep. On the occasion he does settle in his cot, he can sometimes fall asleep stroking my hand or a taggie blanket.

Hmmm. I read this back to myself and it's obvious I've been lazy to allow this to go so far. Could I have made my son needier than he would otherwise have been, had I been a bit 'stricter' in his first few months?

He is due to start nursery part-time in January and I am now panicking. We NEED to get him used to settling himself by then, otherwise he'll have a real shock to the system.

I'm dubious about controlled crying because he has a habit of getting hysterical quickly: for instance, he'll pull himself up in his cot when he's half asleep, then topple over and bump his head because he's so tired and upset. I feel I can hardly leave him when that's happened.

Can anyone advise? Have we left it too late to get this sorted by January? I'll be eternally grateful!

To be honest he sounds perfectly normal to me, and any nursery worth their salt will know that babies like to be rocked to sleep. God, there's even a song about it (Rock A Bye Baby!)

It's not lazy not to sleep train and I doubt you've made him needier. Babies have needs, you met them, it's called parenting and it sounds like your doing a good job.

Colditz has it right, if the nursery is unable or unwilling to give a baby a bit of cuddle time when they need it, then you need to rethink your childcare options. Although having said that children are incredibly adaptable and you might find that it's just not an issue if he's in a different place with other people.

As for your broken nights you could just whispers co-sleep for a bit. I have with all of mine and honestly, it's never been hard to get them into their own beds once they were a bit older.

any good nursery will follow your lead about sleep. In the early stages my dd was pushed in the pram, then she was stroked to sleep on the mat. Now she goes onto the mat lies down and is out like a light with only one or two pats. (At home it is still a different matter!)

Thank you. I know my post probably makes me sound a bit uptight, but I suppose my main worry is that nursery is going to be difficult enough for him without not being able to sleep. He won't be rocked to sleep by anyone other than me, not even DH.

I was hoping he might be able to self-settle by then, as then perhaps being with strangers will be a little less traumatic?

I did actually co-sleep for his first 6 months, after three weeks of almost no sleep when he was newborn. DH slept in the other room because he was worried about rolling on DS. That may be why he only wants me to soothe him to sleep. DS still woke at times in the night, but it was much easier. He went in his cot because my DH and I wanted the bed back to ourselves.

DS is sleeping on my lap as I type, having woken in his cot after only half an hour's nap...

All 4 of ours needed contact and eventually they grew independent. Babyhood is over so quickly. Let the independence evolve naturally,january is a whole 2 mts away. All ours went to nursery too as babies and never had a problem. We spend time worrying and when it comes to it, children just startle us with their ability to adapt. Your baby will grow up secure in the knowledge that you are always there for him.

Hi Kalypso I read your message and just had to reply regarding your concerns about Nursery and self-settling. I too was very worried about this when my DD started nursery 10 months ago as she would also only go down after falling asleep in our arms! I just explained this to the Nursery staff so they were prepared and it was all fine. They would either rock her to sleep or bounce her in the baby chair. And do you know what - it wasn't long after watching all the other babies self settle in a cot that happily, she started doing the same :)

Hi Kalypso,as allbie has pointed out january is two months away...a long time in baby world! Think how different your lo was 2 months ago?

Don't feel that sleep training is something you ought to do if it isn't really for you.
There is a theory that all human babies are born premature (as compered to how developed other mammals are at birth) and that they "should" really be born at 9 months. SOme call this period "in arms gestation." IMO it's great that you have followed your instincts and your babies needs through this period.

We hear a lot about "getting" babies in to a routine don't we? Before I had my ds I thought this was what we were ment to do as parents!Then he arriveed an I realised how unnatural that felt!

Do sleep training if you need it. As others have said your lo will adapt easily.

I think just do it really gradually, if I were you rather than cc I would pop him down in his bed, lights out but stay near by and maybe rub his tummy or back for reassurance. He is still little and I don't think you have been lazy!!

Thank you all for such reassuring answers - I was expecting all sorts of advice on how to get him to sleep through, because that seems to be what lots of people expect of a 9 month old, isn't it?

I frequently get surprised looks when people hear my answer to the dreaded question "Is he sleeping through yet?" (which often seems to be some kind of way of ascertaining whether he is a 'good' baby or not). So perhaps I've just convinced myself that I've been lazy - but yes, if I'm honest, it also doesn't feel right to leave him to cry at this age. I'd be going completely against my instincts by not going in to him when he's sobbing and reaching out for me.

It's also a big weight off my mind that others have faced the nursery situation and actually find it all somehow falls into place (thanks allbie and Mamamoochey!). My husband and I had worked ourselves up over it, but we'll try to relax a bit more and let DS go at his own pace.

Thank you again!

Kalypso, our nursery nurses are better at getting our DS (now 15mo) to sleep than we are! honsetly. At home, we sometimes spend 40 minutes trying to get him to nap with him walking around his cot. He won't let me cuddle him to sleep. I worried a lot before he started nursery at 12 months and I was convinced he would never sleep there. Well, the girls there were always happy to cuddle him to sleep in the rocking chair and it only takes them 10 minutes. He ALWAYS settles for them. Not always for us :)

Don't panic! Sounds totally normal. I doubt you have "made" him needier. IME babies and sleeping is pretty independent of your control (which is why it is scary, frustrating!) They sleep through and self settle when they are ready (with my DD it was about 16 mths, with the occasional blip).

Nursery IS going to be a big change for him, sleeping wise or otherwise, no point pretending it isn't. But babies are adaptable, and he will adapt and find his way at nursery.

I tried leaving my DD for a couple of minutes at this age - never again. She screamed herself sick and I felt miserable as hell. It was at that point I read the advice on here and decided that from that day forth I would just do whatever she seemed to need, sleeping wise, and not panic.

The best advice I had was "almost all sleeping problems are resolved by the baby simply growing old enough to sleep independently and well". So true.

Yes, people always ask 'is s/he sleeping through?' - like it's some kind of developmental milestone, which it's not! I didn't have an unbroken night's sleep until dd was about 10 months. You haven't made him needier - you've just been there for him when he genuinely needed you. It's not about you being 'lazy' either, though I met at least two HVs who obviously considered me to be a slacker parent for not really caring whether dd was sleeping through at 9 months!

Go with the flow, and don't worry too much about nursery - your ds will develop his own routine with them there. What you do with him can't be replicated at nursery, so don't worry about it - he and they will find a way together!

My DS still mostly sleeps with us. he is 3.2, he is very independant otherwise though a very happy confident little boy. We like to snuggle with him, soon he won't want to! Chuck him in with you and get some sleep!! Nursery will find it's own level, try not to worry

My ds (now nearly 18 months) has always been rubbish sleeper (though getting better now) - at 9 months very similar to yours. He started nursery part-time at a year and they were very happy to rock/push him in the buggy to sleep. They never flagged it up as a 'problem'. He quickly learnt to sleep better at nursery than at home. Settles himself nicely, apparently.

We had the same situation - I was also worried about dd starting nursery. But I think nursery is such a different situation - what happens at home doesn't have any bearing on what happens at nursery. With dd it was the group dynamic which did it for her - all the others were going to sleep in the afternoon and so she went too - as if butter wouldn't melt!
FWIW another vote here for co-sleeping and not sleep training! :o)

Oh, it's too much fun! I will put in my twopenneth on sleep training:
if humans had always sleep trained, humanity would have died out thousands of years ago - "now dear, you just lie down nicely in this cave and I'll go and sleep in the cave next door but don't wake me up by screaming unless the sabre toothed tiger is really serious about eating you up"...
Parent's sleep is unfortunately less important in the grander scheme of things than the child's safety, development etc... so we do without the sleep for a few years and that's normal and natural.
I often find friends who have sleep trained telling me how wonderful it is and how it works so fast then saying "it works so well, we're going to do it again now". Then you ask why they are doing it again if it worked so well and they say that dc has started waking again and wanting cuddles in the night...
Sorry because this subject is so over-argued and I completely understand people who feel they have to do something active to improve their sleep otherwise they'll go mad. But I didn't and we're all fine!

agree Simic! But we did do something to improve our sleep - we cuddled hiim right up

And can I just say, we sold his cot, BRAND NEW!!!