What am I doing wrong?

[diorama]

I would really appreciate some advice on how to improve the situation with my ds aged 7.

He did have quite extreme tantrums as a toddler, however he is still having long uncontrollable screaming sessions frequently, not as often as before, but still enough for it to be a problem.

I really don't know why he is so angry. He loses control of himself at the slightest thing. Today he asked me to help him with a lego building game on the PC. He has only just got into this as it was older dd's before, so I sat with him and went through how to do it, when suddenly he started crying and shouting that it was boring and a rubbish game. It escalated quickly into the usual scenario of me telling him to go into to other room until he was calm, then he spent the next 30 minutes screaming things like "you all hate me!" and "this is the worst day of my life!" and moving all the sofas and chairs around in the room.

Eventually he calmed down and I told him to put the furniture back, which he did with some grumbling. I asked him why he was so angry and he said he didn't understand how to play the game, which was what I suspected. I told him if that was the case he could ask me to explain again, but at this point he got mad again and the screaming re-started.

I feel like I must be handling him all wrong as every time we try to do something potentially nice, it ends up with him having a melt down and being sent out.

Is it normal for 7 yr olds to do this?

It sounds like he doesn't recognise when he's struggling, can't describe it and throws a tantrum out of sheer frustration.

There's loads of strategies to help kids with this; if he's into lego, maybe you could give him a red brick, a yellow brick and a green brick. When he starts feels a little bit upset, he shows you the yellow brick. When he feels really upset, he shows you the red brick. When he's calmed down, he gives you the green brick.

When he shows you yellow, that's the time to redirect him - a new game, helping you with soem housework, whatever works. When he shows you red, he needs to take himself to time out (bedroom?) for 7 minutes/however long he needs.

Discuss this with him, it gives him the control. And he can earn rewards for successfully using the system :) HTH

Does he just do this for you? What is he like at school/with other family/friend? Can he control it when he wants to?

Thanks for suggestions. When he's calm he's perfectly reasonable but still very strong-minded. He generally likes to be left to do things on his own in his own way. He doesn't like following direction at all. Everything tends to go fine until I have to stop him doing something or say no to something he wants to do, at which point he goes from zero to 60 in a second. I've always been form and consistent with him but he still finds it hard to accept he can't always have what he wants all the time.

He could cope with some sort of system I think. I've talked to him about his anger and he has some good insights into it himself. He knows he should take himself away to calm down but in the moment he can't seem to think clearly.

He couldn't give a monkeys what anyone thinks of him, so screaming in public and being stared at has never bothered him. He's not interested in "pleasing" either, so we haven't had much success with rewards/punishments.

At school he is basically fine, we are beginning to see some specific difficulties with writing but he is well-supported and behaviour is not a problem. He seems to let off steam for me at home, which is fine, to a point.

Ok, I have 2 suggestions which you might like to try.

First, do you give him time warnings? Eg: "In ten minutes, I need you to shut the computer down because it's dinner time" (then 5 mins, 2 mins etc). Also, countdowns. "If you haven't shut the computer down by the count of 5, I will switch it off at the wall." If he doesn't comply with the second one, it will cause a guaranteed meltdown - but usually only the first couple of times :)

Second: Can you agree a special code with him when he needs a time out? Loads of kids like secret codes, so he might respond better to "Double Oh Seven, Moneypenny needs to speak to you in her office now" than a strict instruction to take himself away.

Obviously these won't suit everyone so ignore me at will :) HTH

Purplepidgin I love the 007 thing! He's very into Star Wars at the moment so maybe something with that...

I do use the warning thing and it helps sometimes depending on what mood he's in.

I feel like we all tiptoe around him a bit which is so unfair on dd who generally behaves really well. I've noticed (and stopped) myself asking more from her just because she will do it and he'll have a melt down.

"Timeout, needs I"

"The dark forces are strong with this one"

"Falcon to Luke. Falcon to Luke. You're needed in your bedroom, Luke"

Find the strength to be consistent and he will learn. It honestly only takes one or two meltdowns when you turn off the computer for him to get the message.

You are Mum. You are right. You know what's best.

HTH :)

Great! Wish I was creative....

He's been melting down consistently since the toddler years so think we may be in for more than a few more unfortunately. I can only imagine what he would be like if I had not been strict!

Has it worked??

Thanks, we've had a bit better couple of days, the day I posted was really bad! He will have a few calm days sometimes then have a really screamy week and I don't really know why. I did joke with him that he is Luke and he thought that was funny but I think the key could be getting it in before he's totally lost it. He's been getting angry when doing his homework - shouting at dd that she was disurbing him when she was just walking around really quietly. I do think a lot of it comes from frustration at having to do things he doesn't like and finds difficult.

Early distraction, if you can spot it, is usually the best way. Then there's no time to get emotional inside before the outside starts to show it iyswim?

Yes, and sometimes I manage this, but often not. He's quite unpredictable, so one day I'll get an "OK" to my request then the next day a screaming fit in response to the same request. Today, for example, he and dd played so nicely together after school and I told them how proud I was. Then it came to his reading book and all hell broke loose. He was happy enough to come and start reading but lost it within minutes because I said he had to read more than one short page. He was, I thought, in a "good mood" and my reuqest was not unreasonable as he reads at least half of the book most nights. There was no in-between stage where I might have realised, he never said anything like "I don't feel like reading" etc - he just lost it. He was out of control I would say for about 20 minutes, in his room, then I went in and we had a cuddle and I talked to him. I said I thought he was very very angry and he said it was because he "hates doing what I say." Hmm. I explained that children have to listen to their mummies and daddies even when they don't want to etc etc. He obviously didn't like that idea (can't believe I still have to remind him about that at age 7!) but he calmed down.

Can I have wine now?

It's just very wearing....tbh I think if I just let him watch tv and play mariokart and make paper aeroplanes and eat snacks all day every day he would be quite happy. It's the demands I (well, life, but he sees it as me) places on him which he seems to resent so much. Even when it should be fun stuff - at the weekend we went to a sort of funfair/arcade-type place which he was excited about beforehand but then grumped around the whole time whining for more of this and saying that was boring and rubbish. I wish we had never bothered.

Sounds very tricky!! I'm not a parent, btw, but work with people with Learning Difficulties (5 years with children/teens, now adults)

Regarding the "I hate doing what you say", you could try Social Stories with him. Google them, they go something like this:

Mummy loves me. Daddy loves me. DD loves me. [add/subtract people as appropriate] I love them. They are my family and we look after each other.

Mummy and Daddy are older than DD and me. Mummy and Daddy have learned more than DD and me. Mummy and Daddy love me and want to keep me safe. Mummy and Daddy love me and want me to be the best person I can be.

Sometimes Mummy and Daddy want me to do something. I may not want to do this. This can make me angry. Being angry is not a nice feeling and makes me do things I shouldn't have done, like [discuss behaviour and fill in here]

When Mummy and Daddy ask me to do something, it is because they want the best for me. They might want me to put my shoes on before I go outside. This is because they don't want me to get my feet cold and wet. They may tell me I have had enough sweets. THis is because they don't want me to rot my teeth and be unhealthy.

Mummy and Daddy love me. DD loves me. I love them. We are a family and we look after each other.

Dunno if this helps???

Oh and yes. The sun is firmly over the yard arm ;)

Thanks again. I will look that up, it sounds interesting. As I think I said further up, he actually has good insights into why he feels so angry, and he admits (well, not actually admits!) that he can't control it when it happens.

I think the best piece of advice I was given when my first child was a baby (didn't realise what I was in for then) was "You can't control your child's behaviour, only your reaction to it." So I guess one thing I can do is make sure I don't get into battles with him and let him wind me up. That is much easier said than done, because he can really push my buttons!

With shoes and coats and brushing hair etc I tend to let him have the control, I don't even bother telling him. I insist he brushes his teeth though obviously. He is so sure of himself and doesn't care what anyone thinks - he is very like his father in fact!

"You can't control your child's behaviour, only your reaction to it."

Tee hee, I gave my Dad that advice about my Gran, his Mum!!

Persevere with it, as you say he understands and can describe a lot of his feelings, so a discussion based approach, as opposed to a reward or punitive, might help him long term even if the process is longer iyswim

Yes I think so, he has never responded well to rewards/punishments. He's a bit dreamy and I think just doesn't remember what the reward/threat is for more than about 2 minutes.

Rewards can be for an amount of time that short if needs be? He could earn a sticker for every time you ask him to do something and he does it without arguing/within a certain amount of time. Work out rounghly how many things he needs to do to get out of the door to school.

Wake up and get out of bed
Eat breakfast
Brush teeth
Wash face
Brush hair
Put on clothes (pants, socks, trousers, shirt)
Put on outdoor clothes (jumper, coat, shoes)
Play nicely in his room until it's time to go.

That's 8 stickers, which could equal a lunchbox treat like an extra biscuit or cake. Then the same for afterschool, which could earn him 5 minutes computer time before bed. Bedtime stickers could earn 2 stories instead of one. Then, if he gets 80% or more of his stickers during the week, he gets a treat at the weekend - trip to the park, new toy...

Something like lego would be good too, if he likes that. Each timeframe he gets 7/8 stickers for, he gets a lego man, up to 3 per day. If he gets them 4/5 days in the school week, he gets a lego set (the £5 variety)

My own DS was rather like this, and although quite bright in lots of ways, we worked out that he was probably about 4 years behind in his emotional development, and knowing this helped a lot. He is making progress, but the lag of about 4 years seems to have been maintained. He did get a late diagnosis of Asperger's and this has helped as it was previously hard to explain his behaviour to wider family, school etc.

Yes I agree it needs to be clearly spelled out, I was actually thinking of putting a list on his bedroom door of the things I expect etc. Seems a bit retentive maybe but I do think that often his apparent disobedience is actually that he can't remember what he's supposed to do, which unfortunately ends all too often in me nagging him.

But we've had a good couple of days in the meantime.

Allthatglisters good that getting the diagnosis helped. We just have to accept them the way they are don't we?!

I could have written your post word for word dioramea. My DS is 7 and also has unpredictable outbursts over very small things (only at home) and can flip his moods like a lightswitch. He too is is fine at school and seems to save it up for us and I find it so draining. He has a four year old brother who is completely opposite and it's really hard not to compare the two. DS is also struggling at school and seems to have some self esteem issues which is probably at the root of the problems.

sorry for miss-typing your name!

Maybe it's not too uncommon didldidi, I don't know, I thought by this age he would have more control over himself.

How are you managing the outbursts?

time out mostly as you are - and he is he better when he comes in but it doesn't last long! as a matter of interest what are his eating habits like? DS is an extremely fussy eater.

Read all this with interest. My DS is 10 and gets hugely angry and frustrated (always has) but it's getting worse, it's just about everything these days. He doesn't throw things or hurt others but bites himself on the forearm to stop himself lashing out.

He seems to have a low opinion of himself too (does this always go hand in hand with angry personalities I wonder) but I've no idea where that comes from as he does well at school and we encourage him. Any ideas on anger management for kids? or other suggestions?