I am worried about my 4 yr old DD's behaviour and worry that she will not have any friends ....

[josben]

DD has an aggressive, fiesty side to her and i really worry about her making relationships with other children when she starts school in Jan full time.

Her teacher has expressed some concerns too - i am going to have a proper chat with her next week.

DD has 2 older brother aged 8 and 9, her brothers play with her a bit but i think they find her a handful...

DD has always struggled with her speech, (I have asked for her to be referred to S & L again)

i am struggling with her behaviour at home with her brothers - she can be quite aggressive (is used to be more physical) now it is usually shouting.

I wondered if anyone has any advice on how i can get help her to communicate and play nicely and calmly...

TIA

Hi josben,

First of all i'd like to ask, does your dd have any friends at the moment? It's quite normal for children to initially struggle at making friends, but it's why that's the issue.

The aggression, i'm sure, comes down to the fact she is behind with her speech. Hopefully when she starts school she will start to understand what sort of behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. At nursery it's much more revolved around play with less structure isn't it, so maybe she just needs some more structure.

My dd is also starting school(reception class) in jan and I also have my concerns. My dd though is possibly on the autistic spectrum and definitely struggles to make and keep friends.

What did the nursery/pre school say about her behaviour?

I have a similar concern with my 4yo DD at nursery - not that she is aggressive but she simply has no interest in playing with other children and her nursery teachers say she is very independent and is happy playing alone.
I worry that when she starts school next year and there are no toys in the playground that she will be stuck.

She loves when her older sister has friends round and loves to play with them but has no interest in her own classmates.

How normal is it for a 4yo to not have any friends?

Well mine doesn't, but for different reasons from the sounds of it. Like I said, my dd is probably on the autistic spectrum.

It sounds to me like your dd is just very bright and maybe the reason she loves playing with her sister and her friends is simply because she feels they are more on her level.

The main thing is, she's happy playing on her own at nursery. If she isn't showing any other concerning signs, I really wouldn't worry. :)

Hi, well I went to speak to DD's teacher on Friday and she said that DD doesn't always understand how to join in and play - she'll sometimes barge in to a game and want then other children to play her way... She also isn't very good a picking up on emotions and interacting with other children, she can't always articulate what she wants and means...

I have always had a bit of a challenging time with DD at nursery and then at pre-school. She hasn't really made friends and i think that she still palys 'along side'.

I have worried about her possibly being on the autistic spectrum too, but I don't see that their is much i can do at the moment as DD's teacher said that we have to see if the agp between DD and her peers widens or gets smaller.

I took DD to a toddler for prob 18 months, I helped run it with some friends in the hope that DD would learn how to play with my Friends DC's but it never really happened.

Sorry I'm waffling on now, 'Missnutty' i just wondered how why you think your daughter may be on the autistic spectrum andn what sort of help/support you might hope to get...?

TIA

I assume she's in reception? Does the school have a SENCO? I would ask for them to observe/discuss your daughter and you too make an appointment to speak to the SENCO directly. She's still very young and school can be unsettling for some children. However, if she's having these issues at home as well, I'd seek further advice. I've no personal experience of ASD, but have a ds with ADHD.

If you look on the National Autistic Society website there is lots of info. It can be harder to spot in girls - they tend to get diagnosed later than boys. There was a book that came out last year specifically on ASD in girls which you might get at library / on Amazon.

Wait and see is not a good idea. If the gap gets wider you just have a higher mountain to climb to narrow it again. Early intervention is what is needed - even if it turns out to be nothing. She needs help to make friends before the gap gets too wide - girls friendships can become sophisticated quite young. If she is missing social cues and not understanding social rules, thats only going to get harder as the other girls friendships get more complex.

If she is on the spectrum she needs to be taught social skills, she will not just absorb them.

Follow up the SALT referral - sometimes speech problems can look like autism but once the speech improves so do the social and play skills. Ask the SALT to observe in school - most schools have a SALT attached to them. Also you could self refer to educational psychologist - again schools usually have one assigned and you could ask for her to be observed.

Most schools run / or have outside experts who come and run social skills groups for children who might need a bit of extra help in that department whether they have a diagnosis or are just very shy etc

Talk to the SENCO about whats on offer.

Also help with the speech etc will help with behaviour. Children on the spectrum don't always respond to typical discipline and alot of behaviours might be frustration.

There are also lots of very experienced parents on the SN board if you have any specific questions

Thanks for your posts

I know exactly what you mean 'Agnes' about girls friendships being so much more sophisticated from an early age... It is something i am quite concerned about... I really don't want my DD to be excluded. It upsets me when i see other little girls that are able to make friends and play so easily...

What is the best way that you can teach your child about social skills?

Sorry, forgot to say that our school does have SENCO - but I would feel like i was making too much of a fuss asking for them to step in at this stage - DD is just on her 1/2 days visits until she starts full time in January.

When I spoke to DD's teacher she had 2 pages of written A4 notes about things she thought DD needed extra help & support with - learning/writing/numeracy and social side too.

Jos that number of notes alone should alert the teacher and you to involve the SENCO now. The earlier she gets any extra assistance the better any outcome for her regardless of the severity of her 'needs'. Involving the SENCO, does not automatically mean (and usually does not) the inclusion of any outside resources. Use them to help your dd

I can totally relate, I will tell you my experience, my dd. 3.7 years is at a preschool and has social communication difficulties, she does not interact socially,does not talk much at all at nursery, and preferrers to play alone. Her speech is not advanced as others of her age, and her complex thinking skills are behind. She is seeing a SALT, getting a statement and will be seeing the paedritrician. DD brain is very sharp, and is quick to pick up skills when she is focused. I do worry about her making friends and not fulfilling her potential at school because of her lack of communication. I think that it might be a developmental delay as she seems very young for her age, i most certainly had the same when i was young. Deep down I know that she will get there with the right help.