22 mo dd alienating her father

[waitinggirl]

our darling 22mo dd is in most respects a gorgeous, funny, bright, smart, generally well-behaved girl. she is quite advanced and fairly easy - i know we have been v lucky with her. number 2 is on the way in late feb. i work 2 mornings a week when she goes to a childminder for 2 mornings a week where she is no problem.

however, in the past few weeks she has become really quite mummy centred, wanting mummycuddles lots. i know a lot of the time it is just a codeword for wanting to be picked up/ distracted/ shown something else etc. but mummycuddles have now turned into something else: whenever my dh drives the car she screams "no, mummy's seat", whenever he sits down in the house, she yells the same, all keys are mummy's keys, whenever he gives her a bath it's "no, mummy do it", she tells him "daddy go away" lots - it is now becoming a problem for him. he is losing his confidence with her and i don't know what to do about it. she has just spent 2 nights with her grandparents, whom she loves - she had a great time, missed me a bit, but was absolutely fine - she does not do this to either of her grandparents - in fact, when she got back and dh sat down, she said "no, mummy's seat", and then he moved, "no, grandpa's seat" and ditto to "grandma's seat".

dh is feeling so rubbish about it all that it is hard to ignore her - has anyone else had this? does anyone else's dh/dp have a similar experience? any ideas how to get round it? it is really hard to ignore her - she throws a complete wobbly.

thanks

Sorry but he needs to grow up. He is an adult she is a child. You also need to leave them alone together even if she screams as you leave the house, I am sure that she will settle down and they will be able to have Daddy and daughter time.

Maybe he should talk to your parents about it. But she is behaving like this because he (and you) let her. Your parents don't so she isn't like this.

Sorry if I sound harsh but it is early in the morning.

My dd used to a be a bit like this when she was a similar age. She would also get angry and upset if her father hugged me, or kissed me.

Part of the reason, I think, was that her father never actually spent any time with her on his own. And he wasn't (and isn't) there much during her waking hours anyway. It was (and is) almost as though I'm a single mum and he pops in and out!! I don't think that situation helped.

Presumably your dd doesn't do all this at her grandparents house because the furniture and chairs etc all belong to her grandparents (so she can't say 'that's Mummy's'), and also, crucially, you're not there!

I think you need to get your dh to spend time with her on his own. He needs to take her out for an hour two, alone, regularly. Or he needs to persevere with making one dd-related task in the house HIS. Such as bath-time.

Hope that helps, but I do know how bad this must be making both you and him feel. It will pass though.

Agree you need to start ignoring this behaviour and leaving him alone with DD regardless of any screaming or carryingg on. Can you give them an hour together when he gets back from wwork and use the time to have a bath or make tea or whatever childfree thing you would like to do. My DD 23 months can be the same, although she is as likely to be 'daddyish' as 'mummyish', but this usually snaps her out of it

We had this on both sides - DS1 is very much a mummy's boy, despite spending lots of time with DH as the primary carer, whereas DS2 is the opposite. Much as I knew it wasn't personal, I did get a bit upset when DS2 demanded daddy all the time and refused to even say mummy for months on end. I don't think it's a question of 'training' her, that's a bit unfair. She's still very young abd probably unsettled with your pregnancy. Is there an activity your DH can do that's just him and her? Even going out to a cafe on a weekend or one of his days off?

I can completely see why he would be upset. Unfortunately, I think this is the age that they start to see any buttons to push and push them repeatedly just to see what happens. If you just ignore any whiny behaviour it might ease off. Eventually.

Seriously I would just ignore her - e.g. your DH should sit down where he wants and ignore her!! WE have the same the other way around in our house, it's all "Duddy this", "Duddy that", DS throws a wobbler when he goes to work or even if he goes for a shower, etc. It is forgotten quickly though, which may be the difference, as I do know that we are quite lucky in that although we get tantrums ignoring or distracting seems to work for the time being, I just tend to say, "Daddy's gone to work, he's not coming back cos you cry. Do you want to watch some TV?" (naughty, lazy I know!) and he usually brightens up. It is a bit insulting, but in our case it is definitely not that I don't spend enough time with him as I am on Mat Leave at the moment, so it is quite the opposite! I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't think you can necessarily describe the whims of toddlers to be down to something logical such as DH not spending enough time with her, etc. But I think it can only get worse if you pander to it, especially the "Mummy's seat" type stuff, that would drive me nuts!

And I agree your DH should spend some time alone with her, I suspect she would calm down once she knew mummy definitely wasn't around? Also it would give you a break, I know that this favouritism stuff is tiring for the favoured one too, my poor DH always having to play trains, etc.

Hi WG, I am sorry yr DH is feeling so low about this. While it's all very well to say "he should grow-up, he's the adult" I doubt he is in control of his feelings of hurt. He can control how he reacts in front of DD, and I am sure he doesn't show her how he feels, but to say he shouldn't have an emotional reaction isn't helpful. I sometimes feel hurt when my DDs cry when I get home to take over from the nanny. Deep down I am v happy that they are so settled when I am at work but it still affects me sometimes. What I am trying to say is I don't think yr DH's reaction is abnormal.

My DD1 has always been quite mummy focused. And she has gone through several phases of exactly the behaviour you describe. This is despite the fact that DH does spend quite a lot of time with her. We found several things helped. First, when DH spent time with DD1 without me she would only protest as I left & then she wld usually be happy as larry playing with him. The key was me not being anywhere near (ie out). This built DH's confidence and gave him some lovely times with DD1.

Secondly, DH wld sometimes make a game out of her rejection. So when she'd say something like "only want to cuddle mummy" he wld do a comic crying act and sob "poor daddy, daddy wants a cuddle, boo hoo" etc. DD1 found this hilarious and wld laugh at him and play a game of pretending to go and cuddle him then running of and telling him to cry again. This turned the awkwardness into a game they both enjoyed.

Thirdly, the arrival of DD2, when DD1 was 27 months, meant she wanted DH more and they grew much closer. I have heard others say that the arrival of number two really cemented the father's bond with number one. So this may well happen in your family in Feb.

Good luck and I hope yr DH feels happier soon.

This is toddler behaviour. Absolutely classic. Has she heard you talking about the new baby? She know's something's up and is claiming you as hers. She sees your DP as a rival for your affections. It all makes perfect sense in toddler land.

When new baby arrives I'm betting she becomes alot more emotionally dependent on him as you will not have as much time to spend with her.

In the meantime just do as you have always done and accept she is going to behave lime this for a while.

It doesn't mean anything. And your dp should realise she is just a baby making sense if things in a baby way.

DD does this occasionally with DH. Especially "Daddy go away". If I hear it I always tell her that it is not a nice thing to say and tell her she must apologise to DH. So DD knows that neither DH nor I will tolerate this behaviour. She will not get a cuddle from me if she has rejected DH.

I think this type of thing is very common at this age because toddlers are starting to work out where they fit in the world and also experimenting with control.

Yes don't give in to' mummy's seat' stuff - just ignore the behaviour, leave her with him when you want/need to.

And repeat after 'me...

'it's just a phase, it's just a phase

I Agee with the rest of the advice given, especially the bit about giving them time together. At around this age DH started taking DD out on a Saturday, just the two of them for a few hours - it was brilliant for their relationship.

I also think that occasionaly your DH should take her out alone, just the two of them. My DH does this quite regularly now. She just turned 3 and always wanted Mummy and he would use that as an excuse, but since her 1st birthday or so he gives me some "me time" and take her for the day. At first she wanted Mummy to come all the time, but now she gets excited if she knows its only her and her dad.

Hopefully with second one on the way he will be able to it as we.

Oh dear, your poor DH. I am fundamentally in agreement with Avo.

Sometimes DD1 hits or pinches me and she has never done this to DH. Something I read in a book was helpful to me about this - toddlers are only able to do this to a parent with whom they feel thoroughly secure. She knows deep down that your DH loves her and therefore doesn't fear his rejection if she behaves badly. Apart from being annoying and upsetting for him, it is also a backhanded compliment in a way and definitely something that will pass. Also, the tumult of emotions toddlers are starting to feel is a bit like a mini-adolescence. They don't know what to do with half of them and they can come out a bit wrong. They only really have us to work them through on.

Does she have any concept of 'feelings' and words for them? I say this because DD1 understands 'happy', 'sad', 'naughty', 'angry', 'funny' and 'kind' and 'not kind' and it really helps. If they can vocalise or understand basic feelings it can assist in these situations. If she did what you describe, I would say no, gently but firmly, tell her that isn't kind to Daddy and it is making him sad, and then I would say "Poor Daddy, I am going to give him a cuddle", and do so. And leave it at that.

You can buy books with faces depicting certain emotions if you need one. But also echo Avo's point that she will inevitably turn to your DH a bit more once DC2 is on the scene.

WG this happened here too - just the same, but in reverse as it was me that ds alienated. It was definitely to do with the new baby coming as it started at about 8 months pregnant. He only wanted daddy to do everything I took it really personally and got quite upset (hormonal as well) at first until dh pointed out that I shouldn't and that it was normal toddler behavior especially since ds could sense a new addition coming along (just as Commanderdrool says) DH also encouraged ds to "give mummy a hug", and "give mummy a kiss" etc. It will pass and things will probably do a complete 180 when the newbie arrives. She can also no doubt pick up on his worry about this which might make it worse. I also agree he should see if he can spend some one on one time with her. I bet it helps.

thank you all so much for your help. am feeling much more positive and will tell dh the general consensus, although i won't be telling him to "grow up" for obvious reasons.

My DD (17mths) is Mummy focussed. This is despite the fact that for the whole of my mat leave DH was off as well as was between jobs, and that when I went back to work when she was 8 mths, he had care of her 2 days a week and still does.

Basically, if I am in the house, only I will do.

But when I am not around, says DH, she is as bonded to him as he sees she is with me when I am at home.

Agree your DH should have one to one time - she will be fine with him!

Hi waiting girl,

I just wanted to offer some support and reassurance really, we are in exactly the same position with a 22 month old DD, a new baby due early March and the same mummy focus and rejection of DH.I sympathise it is hard work!

I really don't think its a case of your DH needing to "grow up" I can completely understand that he must feel rejected and hurt. My DH has been quite upset at times too and he has no problems with maturity!

Things have been a bit easier for us in the last few weeks, mainly I think because DH had some time off and was able to have more time alone with DD and I was able to leave them to it a lot more. She is always fine with him when its just them, its only when I am there (or her grandparents or anyone else more exciting) that she will reject him.

The other things that seemed to help was explaining to her (as Lady Thompson said above) that what she was doing was hurtful to Daddy and as someone else said above, making a bit of a game out of it with Daddy pretending to cry and so on.

Also it got better when my DH didn't show any frustration or disappointment but just carried on offering her cuddles and attention, I think it got to the point where he was really holding back as he knew she would reject him and so she sensed that and held back herself if that makes sense.

We tried not to give in too much to the mummy has to sit here, daddy has to sit there stuff but when she was ill recently and very very upset we had to sometimes - I do think that it must be hard for toddlers who are just starting to make some order out of their world only for the adults to start changing all the patterns and rules (as they see it)

Anyway, I am going on and on but just because your situation sounds so similar, keep going it will get better!

How are you feeling about managing with two little ones?! I am veering between excitment and terror at the moment.

hi mumofone - thank you for that. good to know we're not the only ones going through it - and some lovely people and advice on here. am v nervous about managing with two little ones, but i'm sure it'll all be fine. the excitement is beginning to outweigh the terror...

bumpsadasie - yes, good point. must. get. out. of. the. house. thanks.

Yeah, I have to 2nd, 3rd, 4th the suggestion to get out and leave him with her. My DS is just ridiculous, massive tantrums when he realises DH is going, then he's gone and it's just forgotten as soon as he's gone. SOOOO fickle but very funny. And I can tell DH doesn't believe me, he's sort of preening about how much DS obviously misses him when he's leaving and I think he thinks I'm exaggerating his 20 second recovery period after he leaves
Grandparents left after visiting today, big fuss while they were leaving, car leaves the drive, DS says "gone" and goes back to his toys, happy as larry. God, I love toddlers! They crack me up.