need a supernanny (behavioural management consultant) - any ideas?

[gingerrapunzel]

I am encountering behavioural problems with ds particularly at nursery in particularly.

I need a supernanny to help me sought this out and look at what is happening at home and if anything i can do.

obviously i dont want the shame of appearing of national television so does anyone know any behaviour management consultants who can come and talk to me at home and help????

I don't know of any consultants who do that.
But I work in a nursery and I am a mum. Maybe I can offer some insight.

i don't know, but we aren't too bad on here at coming up with ideas if you want to share??

have nursery put anything into place to deal with his behaviour there?

Try posting on the CMs, nannies and au pairs bit. There are a few nannies on there who will do that kind of thing - mostly they work as temps - and there are also agencies which place 'supernannies'.

Or you could outline the situation here and see whether MN can give you free advice as supernannies tend to be quite expensive!

thanks guys. basically getting feedback from nursery ds finding it hard to get on with other kids so he hits, snatches and now starting to deny he does this. when they ask him why he says i dont know or i just do....

when i ask them what they think trigger this, they are unsure, it can sometimes happen out the blue. they think there is something holding him back and he is somehow frustrated.

at home,i think i am being fairly strict and consistent in discipling him and he certainly does not get his own way all the time (he has little brother so needs to share, if they squabble, there are consequences for hitting etc). he is socialised with playdates and classes with friends.

people who know him outside nursery think he is kind caring boy and, although he can be cheeky, happy typical little boy )loud and boisterous at times), he does not attract the image of the "naughty child" which seems to be his image there

i am single mum and reason left his dad yeat and half ago was due to his bad behaviour (shouting and verbal abuse - not hitting) towards me so i cannot discount the effect this had on him. he sees his dad regularly now and i had hoped that the splitting from him when he was younger would minimise the effect on him.

i have always been open and honest with him and explained in an age appropriate way that he lives with mum and dad has a different house that we love him. i also talk to him about how to treat people and explain stuff.

just confused as to why he behaves like this at nursery but not at home/outside nursery....

its not just this nursery too (i think its very good); had issues with past nursery)

sorry bit of a long post,,,,nobody really gets this and not sure it is simply one thing so wondering if an outsider can look in they may have some ideas how i can support him...

Okay this is how I would approach it (used to nanny and troubleshoot tiny babies):

The strategies you use at home seem to be working. For some reason the nursery setting is triggering these issues. So you need to find out what strategies the nursery are using and how the two differ. It might be that he has trouble adapting to the different rules of the nursery environment or there is less adult input so he can get wound up without something seeing until he lashes out.

If possible ask them to do a day or two of observation to identify what the triggers are, when the meltdowns occur, what the follow-up action the nursery takes is and any sanctions they put on him (if they have a student in and you don't mind then it's excellent practice for the student). This will probably involve shadowing him, noting what activities he's playing with, which other children are there, which other adults are around and any dialogue. This isn't foolproof as it only shows immediate stimuli so I'd also suggest adding any time there is an argument/noise elsewhere in the room which he might hear and respond to.

The comment about him being frustrated/there being something holding him back is interesting. Do they have any idea what that might be?

It sounds like you and the nursery need to help him identify his emotions and walk away from situations before he hits or snatches out of frustration. It might be happening only at nursery because you're accustomed to reading his cues and defusing the situation before it errupts. I've not done this with a 2/3/4 year old, so he might be a little young but, something which worked very well with a 6 year old was I taught him 2 phrases that were passes for him to leave the situation and walk away until he felt he could control himself and we also worked on strategies to express his feelings more appropriately like scribbling his anger/frustration out on paper.

Do either of those suggestions sound plausible?

Yes, thanks for your post very helpful.

What you say makes sense and the point you make about my reading his cues i think rings true. He can be quite rigid in what he wnats sometimes for example, he can get update if his food is cut up and he doesnt want this, if someone takes his usual chair etc etc and i know these things so i can either accommodate this or talk through this with him and resolve it. examples of nursery not really getting this were when he had to sit on a different table from usual as his was full up which i think upset him and made him disrptive (i know this is not acceptable behaviour but i think i would have diffused it by helping him express this and talking him through this). another time i saw a teaching assistant getting a littel impatient with him as he didnt flush the loo (we were toilet training at the time and just having mastered sitting on the loo, didnt want to flush as found it scary - i think fear may have been misinterpreted as defiance).

i try and get him to express himself but although he talks very well at 4 he doesnt have perhaps the emotional vocab to realise this / express this?

My issue is that what are coming up as the issues is a bit of a moving feast. they were unable to put their finger on why they think he is like this. I have been fairly probing in terms if asking them questions as to what triggers this and when this happens but feedback fairly vague. I am following up of course but really want to also do as much myself to help him. They suggested that i need to be more strict at home maybe and gave me a very basic chaper or bringing up kids [hmmm]- wasnt very impressed with this; i wonder if they think its cos i am a single working mum i let things pass. if anything i think i am more strict as highly sensitised to bad behaviour and realised that i need to get kids behaviour on track at an early age very important as largely doing this myself.

i am going to ask them to observe him more closely but with lots of kids i think resources going to be an issue.

Any other techniques i cd use? would love to get someone to come to my home and observe us to see if i am going wrong anywhere or what they think from outside perspective...

FWIW I don't think you are going wrong at home. I think it's the transition to a big group that's the problem and it's not triggered by a specific situation (e.g. meal times) or a response to a certain kind of behaviour (e.g. another child snatching) but instead is more to do with the nursery's style of behaviour management being different to your own and your DS finding it difficult to adapt to that.

I think when they say you need to be more strict what they're really trying to say is you need to encourage him to be more adaptable - strict can often mean 'my way or the high way' rather than firm and consistent.

Perhaps you need to find strategies to encourage adaptability? You say he can be quite rigid in what he wants - do you find yourself anticipating this and therefore preventing situations from arising or do you give in to his request to have things done a certain way? Unfortunately the nursery are unlikely to be willing to do either of those so something your DS will need to work on is adapting to that environment.

Re: the observation ask them if they have a student or anyone who needs to complete detailed observations for a course. That way they're getting something productive out of the course time and it will really help someone who's training. Plus they'll put extra effort into it as it might go into their portfolio of assessed work.

Whereabouts in the country are you? I know of nannies who might be willing to do this and some of them post on here but I suspect that for a couple of days of observation/advice you'd want someone local to you.

Hi Frakkinstein, thanks helpful again. Agree I need to help him be more adapatable to institution's rules as its nursery today and school soon which all run on this basis.

I do try and avoid situations at time - eg if i say something is going to happen, he expects it to happen and gets upset if it does not....so if we need to cancel plans due to rain, i sit down and calmy explain so he accepts this, i tell him about plans v last minute often e.g. visitors to house, seeing dad as in case this doesnt happen, he gets upset/angry

some i cannot avoid e.g. frustration when playing with blocks train tracks....doesnt work out as he wants so he gets upset angry and may throw these/break it up and have a general strop....in this case, i say something like "oh its very frustrating when the tracks dont go togther isnt it"....then i caution him against throwing them if it looks like he is going to and explain why not ok....if he does, he gets told that is not ok....i try and calm him down and remove him from situation..

yes i wd be open to suggestions as to help - london based though not sure how wd get in touch on public forum (any ideas?)

thanks so much

Use the message poster to message me and I'll ask around the London based people I know if anyone's looking at the moment.

Quite often there are experienced nannies between jobs who, although they're not specialised behavioural consultants - just as I'm not - can give you the benefit of their experience and impartiality. Worth a shot anyway.