I cant deal with DDs behaviour in the morning anymore!

[ZombiePandaEatsEis]

Every day she is so aggressive and rude!! It is getting me down and i am really starting to dislike being with her in th morning

She is 4, 5 in january and i wasnt prepared to have to deal with open hostility until at least the teen years!!

I make a concerted effort to stay calm and we have started toy removal during the bad behaviour( she is quite bad on and off during the day but its worse in the morning) i am not a morning person so i suppose the behaviour seems worse when i am tired anyway. I need some help but DH seems to either try and give up very easily or just goes to work (early!) and leaves me to deal with her!! I dont know what else to do as we have been trying to help her to behave better since she was about 2 (we assumed terrible 2's would end at some point)

I feel like there is something i am missing or not doing or am i doing something i should stop?? I dont know... I guess i just feel like i have made her into an aggressive, pretty angry child and i feel all alone in dealing with this! I dont know what else to do

My dh escapes early in the morning too!

Ds1 is 4.5 and isn't really aggressive but is sometimes very impatient, shouty and can be rude.

The only thing that seems to help is when i say 'I am not talking to you until you speak to me/behave nicely'
It might have helped a bit. i know i tend to shout back at him sometimes and am really terying not too.

It's hard - you're not alone!

Thanks wowooo! It helps to know i am not on my own

I feel i can deal better with the shouting and rudeness its the hitting/biting/scratching (the latter being more recent) that are more difficult to stay calm through i shouted at her this morning after asking numerous times to stop hitting me that stopped her as it must have shocked her (i dont shout very often) but its not exactly the best way to deal with it. Its getting me down and i just cant see it ever getting any better!

Pixie, she started school in september and she was in nursery before but in a different school. I didnt even think about school being a factor so something to think about! I do walk away but she follows me!! It is very frustrating!!

So what is your morning routine zombie?
We can then perhaps offer ideas to make it run more smoothly

My DS behaviour has got worse lately, hitting, biting etc (started thread here ). I decided from advice there and from friends in RL to be more firm and consistent (sp?). Up until that point I had been saying, in response to hitting or kicking, 'Do that again & you're on naughty step/tv ban' and decided it shouldn't be after he has hit or kicked, it should be first time, so hitting/kicking/throwing stuff = naughty step/tv ban/some other consequence, to teach him that its not acceptable at all.

So far, no hitting etc, thats been about a week, maybe just coincidence but think its def whats needed.

Vintage, we get up around half 7, wash and have breakfast, get dressed, do hair then i dress while she plays and we leave for school at around 840-845 it seems to be the hair part that sets her off usually. I have started to spray DDs hair with water mixed with conditioner as it is so thick and tangles easily. I have even on some of the worse days, just tied her hair up without brushing it to avoid the tantrums! She has long-ish thick curly hair so it cant just be left... I dont know!

Okay - so at night, could you do the detangling thing and french plait it so it's not knotty the next morning? Then, she can try brushing it herself and then letting you finish.

At the weekend, you could set up a 'hair salon' and let her play with your hair and you with her hair etc. Then it won't be something she panicks about......hopefully!

My dd used to scream saying "you're trying to rip my hair out" when I tried to brush her thick, curly hair every morning. She hated it. So now, we plait it at night and it's lovely and soft the next day.

Maybe you could look at some fashion mags together and point out how pretty some of the women's hair is etc/chat about different styles etc. It seems as though that is the main factor in her tantrums so if you distinguish the anxiety with the hair, she might be okay with it.

You could also spend some time with her talking about both her emotions and yours. We all teach our kids about shapes, colours etc but we rarely teach them about emotions and how we feel, why we feel that way and that every action has a reaction. Learning how to recognise her own emotions and those of others can possibly start her on a road to thinking before she reacts. :)
Loraine

Vintage, DD wont let anyone plait her hair but i suppose anything different is worth a try

LearnBright, i have talks with her about telling me when she is feeling angry but not how I feel IYSWIM. Maybe i could sit down with her and have a talk?

Sorry you're having a tough time.

DS is only three and a half so I don't have experience of your DD's age-group yet, but if he's being particularly trying, I do find that saying something along the lines of "when you hit me it makes me feel upset and then I don't want to do nice things for you" makes him stop and think.

I try not to be manipulative, but to show him that he can affect my view of him and it may impact on him negatively.

It makes him stop and think.

(I always make sure that he knows I won't stop loving him).

Zombie, Booboodebat is along the lines I mean, you could also ask her how it makes her feel when she gets angry, being emotionally intelligent means not only having empathy for others but also understanding yourself and recognising why and how you feel. Teaching her that there are no 'good' and 'bad' emotions, there are just emotions it is how we use them that is important. Sometimes anger is expressed when actually the underlying emotion could for example be frustration.

i am going to have a little talk about things with DD when i get home i think

it is just so frustrating you know? i want her to be happy and most of the time she is so happy it is like she is a different child in the morning. she just has two distinct sides of her at the mo! the happy, singing, i-love-you-mummy side and the screaming, angry, aggressive sideit is hard to reconcile the two IYSWIM

I've started giving my son breakfast in bed. I was an au pair years ago and the 5 year old was a nightmare in the morning. I started giving her breakfast in bed and...it was a miracle!

Why I don't know, I resisted this with my DS for years. Now I'm doing it, morning problems are solved.

I give porridge - he likes it, it's not easy to spill and there are no crumbs.

I give him egg on toast or beans, something with protein when he's downstairs. He's 7 and has a long time between breakfast and lunch, so I try and fill him up.

Some of us just aren't morning people. I think the combination of 'coming to' slowly and getting the blood sugar up with food helps.

Also, school is tiring - young ones need a good 12 hours IMO just to cope.

I find that it makes all the difference to our mornings (and the rest of the day) if I get up in time - maybe 15 or 30 minutes earlier, to have time to:

Greet DD1(4) and DD2(3) with a happy good morning making sure my facial expression shows that I am happy to see them. Hugs and kisses.

Still wearing night wear we go and play a quiet game or read a book for 10-15 minutes - they decide.

Then eat breakfast still in night wear.

After breakfast we get "serious" and get clothed, teeth brushed and out the door.

It seems to work very well with just a few minutes quiet play where they decide what to do - then they are ready for me to "boss" them around the getting out the door part.

Hope it gets better for you soon!

You need to stop brushing her thick curly hair. The Curly Girl Method saved my sanity with DD3. Article here on how to do it. There's book too, by Lorraine Massey. It works on any kind of curly hair, adult's as well as children's. It will take a huge bite out of the stress levels in the morning. Curly hair doesn't need brushing. I haven't done DD3's hair for a few years now, since running across the Method when she was about 5. She has never used shampoo either since then (about 7 years ago) How I wish I had found it earlier.

FWIW, I always thought the years from 4 to 7 or so were very difficult with girls. They can be bossy and stubborn and you can find yourself locked into what seems almost like a power struggle with them. I thought the toddler years were a walk in the park by contrast. I don't think it's advisable to let a child get away with unacceptable behaviour at any age though.

That's a great article mathanxiety.

It's funny because during this half term, we;ve been really lazy in the mornings and DD has been really hesitant when it comes to brushing her hair (I usually do it as she doesn't get all the way through to the knots). However, after 2 days of no brushing and not being washed for just over a week, her hair is looking really soft and with lovely curls all sitting nicely together with no frizz.

will be checking out the lemon juice washing thing some more I think.

Thanks MATHANXIETY i may try that no poo thing

Well we had a better morning today! I stayed calm and DD was good as gold!! i sat her down and had a talk about behaviour and how we feel and when she was getting frustrated this morning, she told me and we talked about it and diffused things before they became an issue!! Only day 1 but theres already been an improvement!!

Thanks for all of the advice