Should I be insisting that my 3 year old has good manners?

[Somethingwicked]

Because although my just-turned-3 year old can be as polite as can be when she feels like it, she is invariably unbelievably rude to everyone except those she knows really well. She blanks other children at playgroups, won't make eye contact, won't speak, and completely ignores good friends and relatives if they are in a busy setting or have been off the scene for a while.Her 'best friend' is her next door neighbour, who invariably says hello, goodbye and thank you to my DD and who is invariably ignored when she offers all these pleasantries. I know that we should be teaching her that manners are necessary but not sure how to go about it.

We are now really getting embarrassed by her behaviour and can't really buy the 'I'm shy' card from her as she is capable of, and understands, a really lovely level of human interaction with us (parents) and siblings (twin toddlers) as well as most of our extended family once they have been around for an hour or two.

Is this normal? What shall we do? Does the fact that her speech has always been very ahead of her peers have any relevance? Will this resolve when she starts preschool?

My DS2 was like this - in fact he still is sometimes and he has just turned 7. You are right, it is embarrassing. He is getting better but he seems shy of adults and is OK with other children if there are no other adults around.

Not sure if it is relevant but he has always been very articulate too. I wondered, when he was younger, whether he found other children hard to fathom because they didn't speak properly but at 7 this isn't really an issue any more.

Anyway, the only thing I can do is remind him how he would feel if he said hello to somebody and they ignored him. He claims not to care (he can be very stubborn - no idea where he gets that from ) but the message is slowly sinking in and he does reply to other children now, especially if I give him a hint.

It is shyness. She's a baby. Don't be too demanding, and don't expect too much because she speaks well. She's clearly at her most sociable when she feels comfortable with the other people and the setting.

My first daughter was very chatty and confident with adults at that age, but very uncertain with other children - I suspect that's very common with first/only children.

My second daughter was much less verbal early on, but could make friends with another toddler by running up to them, grinning and running away, with new best mate in hot pursuit.

Don't worry too much about 'manners' at the moment, as it's a pretty abstract concept for a 3 year-old. It's fine to teach 'please' and thank you' etc., but she's perhaps not ready to be more forthcoming with strangers. Demonstrate your own friendliness and good manners at every opportunity and she'll copy you as she grows more confident.

I'm still struggling with a 6 year old. Say hello, say goodbye, say please, say thankyou.....You just keep saying it and praise when they do it right.....

I think some are just like this - I struggle with my 5 yr old. She was terrible at 3 blanking people and not speaking to adults. Slightly better now - she seems to understand now that it's hurtful to other people. I think it can be anxiety - not so much being rude, especially at 3. It is really embarrassing I agree. But would advise trying not to make a big issue of it and just gently remind.

She'll grow out of it. It's a form of shyness. You can't change it. You know she's lovely. Laugh it off.

My 5 yr-old is like this. The worst thing is the pressure from other parents whose children never fail with the pleasantries. She hates to be asked to do it and will totally shut down, so I tend not to insist (wouldn't do any good to insist - otherwise I would insist). I feel very judged sometimes

It sounds like she does have manners. My DS is 3 and he is trained to say please/ thank you (sometimes we get a you're welcome for free! )

He is very shy of adults he doesn't know, and I can just about get a semi-audible thank you out of him when he is given something.

I know he does know how to behave, but I don't expect him to exchange pleasantries with people he doesn't know, and I wouldn't expect a child I didn't know of this age to be over friendly with me either.

Thanks all, it sounds like there is nothing out of the ordinary then. I have been speaking to a few of our friends and relatives and they have all said they don't find her 'rude' as they just think she is too young. Thanks again.

I think this is completely normal behaviour. I can understand exactly how you feel as my 3 yr old behaves similarly somedays. It is embarassing, but at 3, children aren't socially sophisticated to understand that this is bad manners as us adults would consider it to be.

I lead by example in being poilte and friendly to others we meet, and try not to force my DD to say hello etc. That only makes it worse in my experience.

I feel your pain. Try to relax about it :)