smacking

[softdad66]

I was born in the 60s and my Dad was a domineering man who used physical and emotional means of controlling his childred. He screwed me up and although I did Psychology at University, it didn't help me personally.

My wife and I unexpectedly had a daughter when we were 40 and 42 respectively. DD means the world to me - things have been very tough over the past 6 years and she is the ONLY person who has kept me going.

The problem is that whilst my wife is also struggling with our situation, I have become a doormat for her and my 3 year old DD. I don't mind this to some degree as I don't want to be like my father in any way.

Tonight our 3 year old started throwing food round the lounge. I asked her to stop 3 times and she just ignored me. I asked my wife to help, but she ignored me too (she had said earlier in the day and subsequently that things would be less stressful if I left).

When my daughter came over and put wet bread down my shirt, I put her over my knee and smaked her bottom lightly twice. She had a nappy on as it was bedtime, but was understably shocked. I feel wretched as I have never hot her before and have only shouted at her once or twice at the very most.I again asked my wife to help me, but she said in front of my daughter that I needed to leave.

There are always two sides to every story and the stress on my wife and I hass been extreme over the past 6 years, but I hate violence and do not want my DD to ever see or go through what I did.

Maybe I should leave but I don't yet have a job ( have an interview on Wednesday for which I should be preparing a presentation). I love my DD sooooo much and don't feel I could go on without her.

What should I do?

Don't leave. You need to sit and talk through with your wife about what is happening in the family.Talk about the stress you are both experiencing and how this is impacting upon your relationship with each other and your child.

Another way to have handled your daughter would have been a firm no then to pick her up and put her in her room. No violence but a clear message to the child that her behaviour was unacceptable.

Stay she needs her father. And you are not your father,there is a non violent way to parent.

i think you have 2 distinct issues here. disciplining your child, and your relationship with your wife

why does your wife want you to leave? are there other issues? have you considered relationship counselling?

Please don't be hard on yourself. The important thing is that you know that you made a mistake. Parents and children are not perfect and all parents do things they regret. It is possible to parent differently from your parents, but you may need to attend parenting classes to learn different approaches.

If you and your wife are finding parenting difficult then its best to ask for help. Your local surestart centre will have parenting courses and possibly an outreach worker might come out and support you.

Prehaps you and your wife would benefit from going to relate to sort out your differences. Your wife should not be telling you to leave infront of your three year old daughter. It will make her excessively anxious and her behaviour will only get worst.

Good luck with the job interview.

counselling for your childhood issues might be an ideea, then some assertiveness training to gain respect for yourself and from your wife and daughter. sounds like you are dependent on your wife instead of equals, and your daughter knows you have no control over her. you need to make a big e3ffort to turn this around but it can be done.

It seems to me your wife (like me and partner) hates this form of discipline, that it is a real red line to her, and she would hardly have expected you to engage in it given your background. It must have come as a huge shock to her and caused her to question who you really are (and particularly how you handle your daughter and how safe you are around her). At points like that everything becomes open-she must wondering what else is 'hidden' and seeking to protect 'her' child.

You need to talk, to explain why this happened (you don't give a reason), to reassure her it won't happen again, and that you are who she thought you were. Please don't make it into a justifying argument about how to discipline-you must know you're wrong, and your daughter's behaviour shouldn't be the issue NOW.

I would add that if my partner behaved in a way so out of character I could only see it as about anger or depression, or if I was that angry in front of the children, I would expect each of us to tell the other to 'leave'. That doesn't mean 'end the relationship' it means 'go away and calm down, I appreciate how stressed you are, but you are an adult and now I'm siding with the weaker member of our family'. There is consistency, and there is standing by while physical or verbal child abuse goes on.

My father hit me a lot, my mother didn't think intervening should be done, but made a great stress of sympathising in private. Screw that, your wife was right.

Sorry, should really read posts better before commenting.

As someone said, there are two issues here. The first is how you handle what you know was your totally unacceptable behaviour and your wife's reaction to that instant. You need to do that quickly.

The second is that you have concerns about your daughter's upbringing and how she treats you and others. You need to talk to your wife about those concerns, and not feel it is 'domineering' to raise them. If your wife thinks your presence is making things worse for you daughter she needs to explain why, what specific actions are you taking or not taking which cause this. Then you can start dealing with a consistent practical way of handling it, accessing outside help if necessary.

But first apologise, reassure and try to explain about the one incident where you were wrong. If my partner did this to either of my kids she'd have to work really hard to have the second conversation, even though I love her hugely and would never wnat them to be without her.

You haven't said here what the issues have been over the past 6 years or why your wife is treating you like a doormat. Suggest relationship counselling to her if you haven't already. It sounds like she's very angry with you for some reason. You might want to get your own counselling as you are letting her treat you like a doormat. Feeling downtrodden can make people overreact to situations. Your father may have felt out of control and insecure, and the only way he had of being in control was violence.

Regarding smacking your daughter, I would be surprised if there was any parent who hadn't done something they're ashame of regarding their children. The important thing is not to repeat it. Prepare something you can do if you get that angry again (perhaps leave the room, go to the toilet, wash your face, count to 100...till you calm down).

Get some parenting books to help with being less of a 'softdad'. You don't have to be soft and let your daughter walk all over you not to be abusive. All children need boundaries. You can be firm, fair and kind at the same time. Consistency is important.

Loving your daughter is one thing, but her being your only reason for living is not right. That's too much pressure on her. And when she's a brat (and she will be much more of a brat when she's older and less cute to mask it) your over-reliance on her will cause you to feel real resentment towards her which wouldn't be fair.

You need to sort yourself out and your relationship with your wife out, and the rest will follow. Show your wife your commitment and behave in a way that will earn her respect. You never know, she might reciprocate and behave in a way that earns your respect.

She might be goading you to leave, but if you left she'd be even more angry.

Don't get the smack out of proportion. You are not your father, you are your own man. Go to your interview with your head held high.

this book might give you some good strageries for dealing with difficult tots.

www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140163

However such strageries are useless unless both parents can present a united front.

The website www.livinglifetothefull.com

has resources on making yourself a bit more assertive. It will help balance relationships without the use of aggression.

I would like to thank you all for your input. I have spoken to my wife etc. Real thanks to wannabeglam and reallytired who truly appreciated what was going on even with the limited knowledge from a posting. Thanks again.

Hope things get sorted with your relationship.

About your dd, you and your wife really need to decide on some strategy for acting before you get to the stage where you want to smack her. If it had been one of mine, I would have got up quickly and either taken the food from her or removed her from the table after she threw the first thing. The clue is to stop her before you get angry.