Raising a perfectionist

[WalnutStreet]

Has anyone read a book or chapter in a book about this please? I have a 3 year old girl who is a perfectionist! Thanks

My Eldest was always described as a 'perfectionist' at school and nursery. He would always aim high and be unhappy if the result didn't measure up to his imagination. He found his own actions frustrating when he couldn't achieve what he wanted to.

When he was small I often wished that I could think of a way to persuade him to reduce his expectations. Lots of teachers were very vocal in how important this was to his future emotional development. But I never did succeed. I eventually decided to just make sure that he knew that I loved him whether he succeeded or not - I would reward success (and celebrate his effort more than the actual achievement). I also would go out of my way to provide a treat when things went wrong - to cheer him up. I decided to spread the load of his expectation and encouraged him to develop a lot of outside interests. He still always wanted to be the best - sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't but he never stopped trying.

He is now at a top University (one of the two top ones - allegedly) has loads of friends, a relationship and he will still leave no stone unturned in his pursuit of success. But he is gradually getting more relaxed. He has always been happy and enthusiastic.

I wish I could say there was a secret to managing children, but if there is, I have never found it. I just found that letting him know that I loved him anyway and praising him for effort rather than achievement seemed to work. But there were a lot of little upsets on the way. I think, looking back, I tried to emphasise the advantages of this character trait to him so he felt comfortable and accepted for who he was - and there can be advantages to perfectionism - whilst also letting him know he was loved unconditionally.

Good Luck

Helloo,
Watching this post with interest as my DS is one of these too! (just turned 4). In fact I told him so a couple of afternoons ago, in a nice way. We then had a funny conversation about him being a "tired perfectionist".

As pp say I don't think you can change their characters but you can change your responses to them.. lots of support, understanding, etc. I have just taught him the phrase "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." He likes this (gets very frustrated when he can't do something brilliantly first time).

I find myself saying "It doesn't matter" rather a lot with a smile, but this is often met by scrumpling of paper, stamping feet/etc etc.

I reckon this is going to be a long teaching process, drip, drip, getting your child to realise that making mistakes is how you learn, making sure she keeps trying again etc. etc.

Thanks for all the comments and advice so far. I really like the idea of continuous praise and encouragement for the process as much as a 'result'.