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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to handle obnoxious boasting child?

54 replies

Whippet · 27/10/2010 15:20

We have friends with children who are friendly with our DC. Eldest is pleasant enough, but the youngest (let's call him Z)(aged 8) is just generally obnoxious - never stops talking about himself and how brilliant he is, and always seems to be 'putting down' DS2 (who is a bit lacking in self-esteem anyway).

For example:

DS2: "I'd like an XYZ for christmas"
Z: "My best friend, N, is going to get me a MASSIVE present for my birthday. Bigger than anyone elses, or anything you've ever had"

DS2: "Our cars are the same"
Z : "No, ours is miles better - ours has a roofrack and has alloys"

Me: (after we had a new kitchen extension)

we're having tea in here... do you like our new kitchen?

Z: "Our kitchen is much bigger and we can get 8 people around our table..."

It's just so boring and irritating. I've always taught my kids not to boast, but when he's going on, they look at me as if to say, "Mummy, can I argue back/cut him down a peg or too?"

It's not just boasting either, it's downright nasty too soemtimes. Last weekend the kids were adding something up. DS2 got the sum slightly wrong.
Z says, "Are you any good at Maths?"
DS2 proudly (cos he actually IS quite good at Maths) "Yes, I am..."
Z: "Well it doesn't seem like it, cos you can't even do that sum..."

The thing is that Z's mum even heard him say that and didn't say anything . I would've pulled my child up on it straight away and told him not to be so mean.

I'd really rather we never had to see this child, but it's not that easy, as they are neighbours and long-standing 'friends'.

What would you do? I don't feel comfortable letting him do this in front of me/the kids, but it's hard when his parents don't seem to deal with it.

Surely it's not right for a child of this age to be so full of himself and sneering and critical of others?
(To be fair, he probably gets it from his Dad, who is just the same, and always has the 'best' golf club/ car/ wine etc etc )

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

maryz · 27/10/2010 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 27/10/2010 16:43

errrm, that first line was my imaginary response to the Maths dig. OP, I am not calling you a conceited little gobshite [hblush]

Oh Good Grief!!!!!! There's WORSE!

I meant to say: The OP's ds's friend will be a bit of a Jay. Not the Op's ds. I really should preview before I post. I'm sure your ds will be a lovely teen. [hblush]

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 27/10/2010 16:45

A corn snake, maryz. Tis coooooool.

maryz · 27/10/2010 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 27/10/2010 16:57

How about using "oh dear x have you forgot your manners today?"

FrameyMcFrame · 27/10/2010 17:02

I think it's his age.
My DD and a lot of her friends went through this stage at around 8, ultra competitive and showy off.
It's awfully tiresome but he will grow out of it.
You've got to remember he's only still learning how relationships and social interactions work.

I do think you and others should point it out to him though, otherwise how will he learn that it's not acceptable to carry on that way?

I doubt he means to be mean though.

FrameyMcFrame · 27/10/2010 17:04

The words 'it's not a competition'!!!! Have been uttered many times in this house.

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 27/10/2010 17:10

Oh yes, framey. Those words are well used here, too.

lingle · 27/10/2010 19:38

I agree with pisces. the other suggestions are just asking for trouble.

ragged · 27/10/2010 19:54

I find some of the other suggestions a bit mean, really!

I would be minded to ask the parents (privately) to talk to the boy about not comparing so much, that it sounds like attempts at put-downs, that's how your son hears it so you/he needs the boastful child not to compare so much.

And to my son I'd say "He's just saying what he wants to be true. If he said that the moon was made of cheese would you believe it? Just because he said it, doesn't make it at all true".

ForMashGetSmash · 27/10/2010 20:06

Jenai: It's not normal to this degree.and Jax I agree with you.

It does sound like the boy is around some negative boastng....you don't ave to tell the kid off OP...just be constructive. He says something negative...you say "Oh it's far nicer to compliment someone than put them down"

Or he says "My blah blah is bigger/better than yours" you say "Size isn't everything and biggest is not always best"

Teac DS some similar phrases....like "Our car is better...it has alloys" can be met with "We don't want alloys, simple is more stylish"

MadameSin · 27/10/2010 20:57

Whippet I would tell your children that he is boasting and that it's not nice. I would play a little game with them too. Next time he 'starts', you all look at each other with a 'knowing' smile and wink. Hopefully, he will see you and get the hint that you've noticed what he's doing. It will also lessen the impact of his comments on your children and make it a bit of fun

atah · 27/10/2010 22:14

jenai please tell me what the cool present was [i need to get a very cool 10 year old present this week!] thanks

atah · 27/10/2010 22:17

oops just read the whole thread - a corn snake, coool but don't think i will!

lingle · 28/10/2010 09:30

I agree with Ragged.

following some of the other suggestions would require you to behave far worse than the child.

I know the temptation must be hard to resist, and it's doubly hard when you feel your own child is a touch vulnerable.

If he was breaking a very simple rule by, say, talking with his mouth full it would be easier: you'd say "don't talk with your mouth full please" and you're done, he knows the rule. But this is more complicated. He's boasting to feel better about himself. You need to model a more positive way of feeling good about yourself. If you said: "wow, that sounds great!", you would still be teaching him not to do it if the take home message he got was "I can't get at these people, I can't make them feel bad, it just doesn't bother them, they must be happy with what they have....."

anyway, easier said than done I know......

Original poster

Whippet · 28/10/2010 17:59

Lingle - I think if I just said 'wow that is great' he would puff his chest up and start pouring out even more boasts!

I wonder if something like "I's sure it's very nice/ you're very clever/you did very well but it's not very nice to boast you know"
?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whippet · 28/10/2010 18:01

Ah - don't get me onto 'don't talk with your mouth full' ! This is another of his (bad) habits - a full mouth opened to start boasting...

Oh, and the fact that he never flushes the loo, or washes his hands afterwards [YUK icon]

OP posts:

lingle · 28/10/2010 21:43

lol didn't realise we had a talking with mouth full child on our hands as well!

good luck!

MadamDeathstare · 28/10/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frawli · 28/10/2010 23:58

Could you just say jokingly 'ooo you boaster!' Must be hard if you feel he is eroding your DS's self confidence though. At least though he is aware that this kid is boasting, that's a lot of the battle isn't it.

prayingmantisgroupie · 29/10/2010 22:29

In my previous nanny job me and the kids were staying with their granny, (very upper class, but absolutely lovely), and one of the girls was getting a bit too big for her boots over supper one evening.

Granny fixed her with a withering stare and informed her frostily "we are not at home to Mr Boasty".

Shut her up instantly!

allbie · 30/10/2010 09:16

Oh wow, I am stowing that one! Not at home to Mr. Boasty! Fantastic.

Jajas · 30/10/2010 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Whippet · 30/10/2010 10:52

I love not at home to Mr Boasty too!

Jajas - do we know the same family??!
This family is just the same... the problem is that for them everything IS a competition. The dad is constantly onto the boys 'coaching' them to be 'better'. There must be someunderlying security there for him as well as the kids I reckon.

I know kids DO boast, and with any of the other Dc's friends I'm happy to deal with it, or let it pass with a wry smile, but this child just always seems to have just such a particularly sneering and nasty manner about him.

We went skating together, and DS2 hasn't been for a while and was a bit timid to start with, going round the edge in case he fell over...
Child Z said in a loud voice to everyone "gosh, DS2 can't skate at all can he, he's just a beginner..." Bearing in mind this child is only 4 months older than DS2 I wouldn't expect him to be talking like this.
Again, the mum didn't say anything and in fact it was DS1 (bless him) who said "no he's not, he's just getting used to it again - no point breaking your neck is there?"

I can see I am going to have to develop a thicker skin and be willing to deal with him even if his parents are around....

OP posts:

hazchem · 30/10/2010 11:45

OP- once i worked with a child of about the same age who was doing similar things.

I spoke to him privatly and said that sort of behaviour wasn't ok in class ( drama teaching) he said it's what the kids at school did to him. I said that asn't very nice they did that but in my class we didn't do it and no one would do it to him as drama class was a safe place to be. maybe you could try something like that.

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