can boys-girls divide be bridged?? 21mo

[omaoma]

DD is 21 months old, with a personality is on the 'soft' side of gentle - quick to cry at knocks, be anxious at new things etc. One of my closest friend (geographically and emotionally) has a DS the same age. We get on really well and provide a lot of co-support.

Problem is that friend's DS is on the rambunctious side of boyishness - a lovely, affectionate boy but this is usually expressed in running at people, hugging really strongly or banging things, and he's big and strong for his age.

At the moment, within minutes of being in the same room DD will have been knocked over, start wailing and crying and then refuse to let the little boy near her for the rest of their time together - she acts visibly scared of him - this is from very light knocks btw, I'm not an uncaring mother! He then gets very frustrated and is likely to be MORE rambunctious. Friend and I are reduced to not letting her son physically near my daughter to preserve the peace and allow us to hang out together which is limiting how much we can see ach other.

DD just doesn't seem to have any strategies for coping with more physical children. I comfort her and try to calm her, but am trying to minimise my reactions because I wonder if it's making it worse. Friend is trying really hard to get DS to be more gentle with everyone. I think one or both of them will grow out of this eventually but is there anything else I can do???

I hate this little boy knowing that he scares DD, he is aware but finds it so hard to be gentle at this age - if only DD was a bit more stoic I don't think there would be such a problem. Any ideas???

I don't think its a boy/girl thing, I think its a personality thing - at that age I knew boys like your dd, and girls like your friend's ds.

I don't think you can 'force' two small children with very different personalities to get along. TBH, my main thought at this point would be a) to go out with my friend separately from the children, and if that's not feasible, then b) to meet up somewhere with a bit more space where they can do their own thing separately - outdoors in the park, or at a play place.

Having said that, they all change so fast that its quite likely that in a year's time they could be best buddies - your dd may easily become more rumbunctious, or your friend's ds more chilled.

We're going for b) at the moment. No chance for girls only night out unfortunately!

I know it's not necessarily a boy/girl thing - the little boy DD plays with at childminders is eerily gentle! - but they do seem to be enacting stereotypical behav at the mo... Friend's DS has much more fun with all-boy playdates they seem to be less surprised by his behaviour.

Really hoping they both chill out a bit soon.

We had this with ds (quiet, gentle, later walker) and dn (much taller, longer arms, permanently running/grabbing/pushing, and 3 months older than ds).

Until ds got confident on his feet we were constantly going "Dn, be GENTLE with ds. Ds, you're not hurt, you're fine..." Then dn got better at hugging ds without accidentally pushing him over, ds got better at reciprocating and not panicking, and since they were about 24 and 21 months it's been much better (now 31 and 25 months)

Ds has mastered shouting 'No! Stoppit!' - not always when provoked, and dn is mostly trying to be gentle. But a lot of the time it's best to encourage them to play with different toys in the same room, and remove flashpoints like the rocking horse or the boxes they like to climb in and then poke each other.

In the meantime I think all you can do is try to give them enough space to not bump into each other too much and watch carefully. The boys love each other to bits but ds does rather enjoy going for a nap in his own dn-free cot! It was also funny having one of ds's friends from nursery play with dn as she's a girl but very similar to him, and both of them bounced at each other cheerily singing "Stoppit! No, you stoppit, no you stoppit, no you..."!

Thanks notcitrus, good to hear your situation. i did wonder whether DD and i should do some 'protective' playing with toys to practice holding hands out/saying 'no!'. sounds like that might be helpful

erm, the DS involved could be my DD (boisterously over-affectionate) and the gentler DD could be my DS (sweet natured nd happy to play alone) - it's a personailty thing...

on needs to learn to moderate their behaviour (so, positively suggest giving toys/ gentle hand-holding, kissing, hugs)

the other needs a bit more bomb proofing (so, if they fall over and/ or cry for no reason, ignore it..)

hopefully when both go to nursery they'll both become more even-tempered anyway (its what i'm hoping!)

hmmm... the last kiss boy gave girl was more like a lovebite, complete with a knocking over, teeth mark and a faceful of saliva!!!!

..such a kiss could have come from the lips of my own Angel Daughter.

only one more year until she is in full time school (counts)

I think nursery must have done some of the work to teach ds to be happier round bigger kids before going up to toddler room - he had to wait a while before going there as the previous vacancy was when he was still bursting into tears if anyone came within a foot in the playground, but four months later he's very confident at shouting "NO! MINE!" (whether it is or not), and wandering away to play elsewhere when the boisterous girls are a bit much.

Ds is currently practising 'Go away!', but only on me...

Go armed with something...a distraction like a blown up balloon or some bubbles....chuck the balloon as you walk in so the little boy has his attention arrested...or blow bubbles...I know it sounds a little like distracting a dog...but well toddlers ARE a bit like dogs...mine are anyway!

thanks guys, good to know friend's DS is not some strange creature but just like lots of other tots

Thinking I might be opening a can of worms to teach DD to say 'No MINE!' but hey, all in the name of progress...

My DD is 26 months and has a very good little boy friend a week older than her.

Although he is more physical than her and can be a little bit rough (totally unintentionally I stress, he's a really polite and well brought up little boy) DD reacts well to it.

In fact, if anything, she becomes far more rambunctious when he is around and I think that it's good for her to have friends who get her to play in different ways.

Long winded way of saying I don't think it's necessarily a boy/girl thing. I would probably work on building your DD's confidence if you think that might be the issue.

sigh... she is anxious sometimes, I don't know what to do about that other than be reassuring and positive? She plays BEAUTIFULLy with the children at her childminder, running and jumping, hugging, lots of laughing and sharing etc. She's never been one of those fearless climb-up-a-10ft-ladder by herself kind of child. Any advice re building confidence gladly received

Leave her with her cautious nature....my eldest DD has always been like that, we call it her "health and safety awareness"...she is aways the one to point out dangers to other kids.

Mine is 6 now and plays fine with her friends...she's a very careful girl by nature and doesnt like getting dirty etc...its just who she is! My younger DD though..well she is always climbig up things (and falling off them!)