Trying to be a great auntie, but its almost impossible with this child, this is a wwyd really..

[brokeoven]

Ds is an only but has cousins of the same age. (7 & 8)

my sisters do not do anything with their kids, never take them out etc, i feel sorry for Dn & Dn.

So invite them over as often as i can to play and for tea etc, as my sisters are not good with children, and given the fact that they do not reciprocate the invite, this is very one sided.

BUT i struggle sometimes with my neices behaviour and today ended up taking her home early, almost immediately after tea really.

Other family memebrs struggle with her too, but she is gorgeous, adorable, very very funny, but difficult, dramatic and im sorry to say she is abit of a trouble maker.
I usually have a lovely relationship with her, but tonight when i took her home, began singing her praises piling on the positive feedback to my sister, dn was telling her that she never wanted to come to my house again, that she has had a horrible time, no one played with her, no one listened to her, total lies as she has had fab fun, laughing deep belly laughs, running round playing with ds & dn, all afternoon. She hurt her foot so i gave her a lovely cold cloth and cuddles, minutes later she was bounding round again.

As i tried to explain to my sister that she HAD had a lovely time, it was almost like i was calling the child a lyer and was dealing with another child entirely.

This has made me anxious and unsettled, i really dont want to invite her again tbh, but feel SO sorry for her never going any where or doing anything.

What would you do?

invite just her brother next time and say she can come if she likes but that you will expect better behaviour.

Its not her brother, its my other sisters boy, and feel awful inviting one wothout the other, just terrible.
But i know that she loves coming to our house, my mum says that she always askes, so does my sister.

I wouldn't invite her again until she'd apologised.

My DC is so excited to see her aunties and uncles but then somehow lets herself down when she leaves by refusing to say goodbye or saying something a bit rude. I think it's more that she's not used to being left with people than anything to do with the time she had with you. I would say play the long game - you are the adult and although it's a bit hurtful she probably doesn't mean this. The aunties I'm still in touch with as an adult are the ones who cared enough to persist with me. I would offer her the choice - would you like to come - and take it from there.

How upsetting for you.

I think you should invite her again, exactly as normal, and see if she says she wants to come. If she does, it will be clear to everyone that she was just making it up when she said she had a horrible time.

I wouldn't blame her for it but try to understand why she said that. Some children go through a lying phase. Or could she have been trying to punish her mum for not being there? Maybe she is becoming conscious of the fact that you are a hands-on mum and her own mum isn't? Or that your house is happier? Just guessing, but I would try to find out why she lied.

I'd also see if your sister would come too one day. Maybe she lacks confidence as a mother, and you could help boost her a bit by showing her you need her? Or maybe she needs some ideas for what to do with the children - again you could help.

I hope you keep inviting your son's cousins, because he at least will thank you for it when they are close as adults, and it will take the edge off being an only child. My own youngest is much younger than his siblings, and we have relied heavily on cousins over the years to help us feel more like a family.

Good luck.

maybe she's aware that you make far more effort with her than her own Mum and in her own way was protecting her mum from hurt, by pretending that your house is in fact less exciting? Children can be very perceptive about protecting their parents from feeling shameand it sounds to me like she was covering up her own enjoyment to save her mum's feelings.

anonom - you have reminded me of a time when my son just couldn't bring himself to say goodbye to his cousins. I think it was difficult for him seeing them go. Maybe it was the same for your neice, Brokeoven?

Thanks so much for all of your lovely replies, they are very helpful and reassuring, i really appreciate it.

I am actually known as "the nice auntie"! and i genuinely adore both my niece and nephew.

Speaking with my sis she says that dn is going through a lying phase at the mo, so i plan to just ride the storm.

My sis by the way, is glued to her computer screen, not interested in doing anything for dn, its not that she doesnt know what to do, its just that she cant be arsed.

shame really.

When my dd was small she wouldn't say bye to people but it was because she didn't want them to go.

The long term thing si that i so want my son to be very close with his cousins, i am desperate almost that he isnt alone in this world, and the guilt i feel about this is just awful tbh.

Don't feel guilty. There are plenty of advantages to being an only child - and by inviting his cousins, you are providing him with company that he can opt in and out of. You're lucky that they are near by.

I felt the same with my youngest son, and he picked up on my guilt and regret that he was like an only child (second marriage - then single parent), and began to feel hard done-by. Don't want your son to get a similar chip on his shoulder ...

But with any luck, the hard work you are putting in now in establishing the connections will pay off, and they'll always be close (they are all only children, aren't they?), and there for each other.

But why is your sister like that? Doesn't she feel the same about her daughter having contact with her cousins?

Or (psychologist's hat on) is there a bit of sibling rivalry here: You're the good mum and she's rubbish?

We parent very differently put it that way.

my sister sees it as some one getting her child out of her hair for a few hours, she has said as such when my dad offers to have dn.

She struggles with this parenting lark a lot.

She isnt a crap mum but she has different challenges than i have, but then she has better advantages than i have.
Dotn feel a rivalry with her, because i get the reason why she is the way she is so to that end, i understand and have empathy much more than sympathy.

not making myself very clear really....

I thought maybe she felt undermined by you, if she feels you are a super mum and she's not?

What about your other sister?

other sister is a complete and utter nightmare. Actively "HATES" children with venom.
her ds is an exception to that, she says she quite likes him, but she cant stand to be in the same room as my ds and with my niece.
She is a very very angry individual unfortunately.
has no problem telling our other sis (neices mum) that she is crap

Brokeoven, at least you are doing the right thing, and your sisters are lucky to have you. Maybe your sisters will learn from your example, maybe not, but I'm sure your nephew and neice and your son will all benefit from your hard work.

Good luck!

yes, i will do that i think, saves so much hassle.
They do exactly as you describe and it is hard work.

Individually theu get on ok, so its the best solution i think.
Thanks x

Good advice, Maryz.