Defiance rules in this house right now.

[sleeplessfamiliar]

gawd help me!

My 3 yr old DD is being a PITA. Everytime it's time to get dressed theres a row, everytime it's time to eat theres a row, everyime it's time to go for a wee, go out, go home , go bathe, brush teeth anything at all. The only thing she ever willingly agrees on it putting the telly on. I limit her viewing to 1 hour a day in the evenings if I can.

When she refuses to get dressed, I try reasoning, the only thng that makes it happen is raising my voice and wrestling her into her clothes, in the ensuing battle she usually hits me. Against my instincts and my parenting style I lot and smacked her over this a few weeks ago(yeah i know-great example to set), I have also started using time outs which I HATE and dont really feel that they work. But this is after months of unconditional parenting principles which also dont seem to be working. All that seems to happen is she gets isolated and so angry that she gets so wound up that she gives a forced apology at the end of her 3 minutes just to end the time out. It has had no positive consequence. She then bears a grudge and wont show any affection for whichever one of us gave her it for days. She becomes a limpet to the other parent. We have tried reward charts and she just gets stroppy over them because she wants her reward right now or an extra sticker.

I have really tried to get this sorted, I have spent so much time recently being child centred, doing lots of activities together, child led play with toys of her choice, crafts, walks (leaf hunts etc) but she is just being obstroperous about everything. I am so sick of trying to get her ready for preschool it never happens without a fight.

How can I simply get it through to her another way-I dont battle over the little things, if she cant put her socks on then thats fine ill do it, if she want to play for 5 minutes more then thats also fine. But she does flippin well need to wee when she needs a wee rateyhr than wet her pants instead of go to the potty, and she does need to eat and wash and sleep! I just want her to want to do these things instead of fight me/dh over it.

Have you tried making things into a game, like a race to get dressed?

We had a treat box for DS when he was 2-3ish. Box filled with crappy tat and things like chocolate coins that he liked instead of a reward chart. he could then choose something to have immediately, rather than having to fill a chart up.

I've taken DS to nursery in his PJs before as he wouldn't get dressed, and to the supermarket. I just lose the win to argue sometimes and it's a case of picking my battles.

Good luck.

Sleepless, are you me? I posted about this recentlyhere

Next week is half-term so dd doesn't have to go to pre-school, and the relief I feel at this point is incredible. We will still be battling every inch of the way through the morning getting ready routine, but it won't matter if we don't make it out of the house! Every day I wake up (early, with dd2) and vow to not shout, to make everything fun, to be more in-tune with my dd's needs/mood etc, and within seconds of her waking up the whining starts - don't want to wear that, don't want tights, do my hair now, do this do that... I don't want to... no. Her favourite words are 'no' and 'I don't want to'. She spent 40 minutes on the toilet the other day because I wouldn't help her hold her skirt in the air, or wipe her bottom knowing full well she can manage on her own. She howled and screamed, and normally I'd have to give in and as I see it 'pander' to her hysterical ranting, but I was feeding the baby so just let her sit it out. I was amazed it took her this long to give up. I've found time out to be useless. She just screams and shouts and shows no sign of wanting to avoid future time outs. Toys have been confiscated, I've lost my temper too many times to count, and have been in tears too often. This all sounds very negative - I've tried all the positive like you, reward charts, making things into a game, you name it. I've come to the conclusion that my dd is a 'highly sensitive child' and have just bought a book by Elaine N Aron about this. I've read over 100 pages so far, and definitely conclude that I am highly sensitive, so find the whining/shouting/screaming/refusal to cooperate etc particularly emotionally draining, but as yet I haven't found anything to try to get dd to work with me. I'm disappointed in myself, because I'm not the parent I want to be at the moment, and don't really understand what is going on. My dd has times when she can be so lovely, but I feel that things are spinning out of control with her behaviour at the moment, and it is completely exhausting, so you have my sympathy. I really hope that someone can shed some light on this type of behaviour

'definitely conclude that I am highly sensitive, so find the whining/shouting/screaming/refusal to cooperate etc particularly emotionally draining,'

can you explain this further? i feel like this but just put it down to lack of patience.

someone just recommended this book to me on another thread.

terrible twos was nothing! i'm finding 3 so much harder!

happynappies, your response has mabe me quite tearful, thank you so much. Our situations are so familiar it makes me feel such relief.

I had a good chinwag with my bestmate last night and she is trained in delivering PPP (Postivie parenting something).

She was a great help, bless her. I may have to lean on her professional capacity to help me through this.

We'll stick with it, everyone who has older chuildren on here agress that 3 was particularly hard. So it's not just us.

xx

this seems to be quite a familiar topic on here at the moment - the worse than terrible 3s! Or is it because I am feeling exactly the same with my 3y8m old twins!

Can only say that I find it really, really helps when I get some time off from them and some breathing space, it helps my patience no end.

We have a PPP (Positive Parenting PRogram) coach that has come to our house to give us advice and help sort out some of the problems, it helps, but it doesn't change how they are and at the end of a long day I don't have the patience to follow through on a lot of the stuff.

Bumperlicious you can find out if you are 'highly sensitive' with this [http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm online test]. For me on a basic level I know that I over-analyse everything and am affected by other people's comments/moods etc, and always think its my fault... I find that I'm always struggling for some sort of order in the house, hate being late, hate mess etc, which is why I get so stressed! If you do the self-test you'll see that lots of noise etc in the environment can cause problems, so if you've got a hysterical 3-year-old ranting at you 24/7 you can get drained pretty quickly. I don't know how much truth there is in it - I don't feel very patient with my dd, and it could just be that like you say. I've worked with people with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour in the past, and am a teacher, an in my professional capacity people have always commented how patient I am, but at home with my own children I lose it so easily! I know all the theory inside out, but just get strung out really quickly... I think its the cummulative effect of being with them, particularly my 3 year old, day in day out with no time away. In the evening when they are all asleep I feel fine, and am energised and revived, and keen to research and find better ways forward etc, but within a few minutes of being with dd all this positivity tends to get wiped out. I got the book because I'm clutching at straws, desperately trying to find an answer. I did a triple p parenting course run by my health visitor earlier in the year and although it gave me some good tips, I can't say it helped us that much...

sleepless - hope that the PPP approach helps you, am hoping too that the passage of time will also help, they won't be 3 forever! I found it helpful to read your post and realise I'm not alone, because at times I feel like I've raised a monster, and everyone elses dc's must be a joy to be with, with occasional temper tantrums which are manageable in the great scheme of things. I suppose all you can do is keep trying, and not put too much pressure on yourself to be a 'perfect parent'. Good luck and try to keep smiling!

online test

sorry I'm hopeless with links, hope this one worked properly!

If your dc is sensitive to e.g. labels in clothes and 'funny' about things like the feeling of clothes, having things done in the 'right' way, e.g. my dd has to have her slippers fastened really tightly, and I have to do this several million times a day!, if they are sensitive to smell, if they seem to get into hysterical rages and not be able to control their emotions etc... your child might be one of the 20% of the population who are said to be highly sensitive. There is an online test for children too, but again I don't know whether there is anything in this - it might just be that all three year olds tantrum and want their socks to be pulled up or their shoes on tight... I just thought it was worth looking into in case it helps!

Wow, I don't know about dd but from that test I would say I am highly sensitive. When both dh & dd are trying to talk to me at the same time I really lose it. I startle really easily, am really affected by noise, hunger, tiredness.

I've never heard of this before & I have 2 psych degrees!

just done both those tests-one for me and one for her and were both highly sensitive according to that. Trouble is I think it's probably mumbo.

today grandaparents came to visit-dh cooked a meal, she refused to come to the table but did in the end. DH was really cross but kept it to himself.

at the moment she is refusing to wash her hands or go to the toilet by herself-which she was fine a few weeks ago. I have decided not to sweat it-ill wash her hands later, disgusting I know but I simply cannot be bothered by another row over trivial things.

as gran and grandad were leaving she refused to give them a kiss goodbye (which is fine by me but they were hurt by it-they live a way away and dont see her often) and in them trying to get one she was agressive to both of them. It was embarrasing and awful but i wasn't about to pick yet another fight with her over it. It's always a fight not me disciplining her it gets way beyond effectiveness.

I was just about to start a new thread on this about my 3.8 dd. She is such hard work, main thing that drives me crackers is immediately repeating an action I just asked her not to ie kicking a ball into the kitchen today as I was basting roast potatoes in hot oil or purposely staring me out when I ask her to do something, usuall followed by her wandering off nonchalantly.

It makes my blood boil. Nothing is easy, it's like hearding cats. I am not winning any parenting prizes right now :(

With the reward box, do you say 'if you get your shoes on you can take a treat' or do you wait for a good result and then say well done, go and take a treat? What do you then do when one is not enough and it turns into a row?

I like the idea as a whole reward chart is quite overwhelming I think at this age as they have no ability to project.

I am taking her away to stay with friends this weekend whims DH is away and I'm terrified I'll look like such a rubbish parent not able to control my own child!

I'm very down right now.

I definitely think that getting into the habit of telling DCs what is about to happen helps. It is a few years ago now but DS used to get incredibly worked up about almost anything. We found it worked better if he had a bit of notice and time to assimilate the idea - 'when Spongebob finishes you are going to get dressed/have lunch etc'.

This age does pass though I do notice that DS experiences far greater extremes of emotion than either of the DDs. Nobody can be happier and nobody can be sadder.

Do you give her choices

"who is putting the socks on you or mummy"

actually I'd just let them go out in their pjs they soon decided to change their minds

A non-compliant child is flippin hard work, mine is 5 years old now and only a little easier!

I have been doing the choices thing-and it does work some of the time, it used to work really well with toothbrushing-ok so your going to have a turn and mummy will have a turn-who will go first? she's so damn clever she has now started to retort with "no-one im not doing it" and I do always warn her as to whats happening next but she still argues and strops.

Tonight at bedtime she actually refused to go to bed-this is a first for us-despite being challenging during the day she has never refused or played up at bed time. After a story each from DH and myself, milk and a lovely bath,(borrowed some fishy toys from toy library and let her have them-the novelty was enough to get her in without complaint) she kept climbing back out of bed and trying to go downstairs or in our room. I got down on her level and said, you can go to bed after I count to 3 or I can pick you up and carry you to bed and that will probably make your very angry-1,2,3...the little minx started grinning at me as soon as I counted and dashed into bed. To be fair to her she went straight off no worries. DH actually breathed a sigh of relief once she was asleep.

But we haven't had the greatest day, I cant think of the last day where i have really enjoyed her and thats all I want-when things are good between us we are the best of friends and it's the loveliest feeling in the world. I hate the anger, noise and the tiredness and the unpredictability of it all.

I am so thankful for all of you who have responded xx

Bedtime shenanigans seem to suddenly be an issue-we have never had bedtime problems with her at all but now she is refusing to go to bed and keeps getting up-she did it again tonight. After the 5th attempt I got in bed with her for 5 minutes then she tried to stop me from leaving even though I had said 5 minutes from the start. She pulled my top and got really angry. I eventually left her to it-she got out again about 10 mins later and my husband went and shouted up the stairs at her-she has gone off now so i guess it's not that bad but I am fearing it's the start of something worse. We have maneged it so far but what if she starts to push it a bit further-I know that if i pick her up and return her to bed it will invoolve a big screaming tantrum with hitting and kicking.

She is being horrid and quite nasty in the day she will often grab at me or pull my hair, but seems to think this funny, she wont kiss us goodnight she pushes us away when we try and get hold of her to get her dressed.

She whines and strops. When she gets cross she throws things on the floor and screams at us furiously. It's awful. When I'm talking to someone, she always interrupts. She has a comfort toy and she is desperately attached to him-she never goes anywhere without him and she puts his paws under her nose-several times a day she will roll on the floor looking sad and whimpering with this rabbit. I dont know another child who has such reliance on a comforter-i have never tried to take him off her but im wondering if she needs to be weaned off him a bit now she is getting older.

On the positive side, she is very articulate and bright-in a recent developmental check she came out at 4/4-5 yrs old on her charts-i dont hold much water with charts and the lark because every child is different but this does show that she is too damned clever for her own good i think!

she is going to grandmas for a few days at the end of this week because it's half term and i'm working but also because my hubby and i need a break badly.

*sorry my typing is so poor-brain faster than fingers.

don't engage with the fight. She's 3, she's still very small you can physically 6do^ these things to her without having to harm or frighten her in any way.

RE the 'power wetting' (as I used to call it) - ignore. Physically remove her wet pants from her, wash her, put her back into clean pants without saying a word. Have a conversation with someone else as you do it (even if that means talking to the cat). give her the choice "Are you going to wash your face/change your pants/go to bed with a story or am I going to do it to you like I would if you were a little girl who is two?"

And on the flip side - catch her being nice. make a point of telling her that you really like it when she is kind to the cat, or nice to you or your husband, or her friends.