My marriage is suffering

[scgd]

Since our baby was born almost 8 weeks ago, and almost 4 weeks early, we have had no time whatsoever to ourselves. He had a Tongue tie which has been treated now and was very colicy for a while and on top of being early has needed lots of attention, but my marriage is really suffering. My husband suffers with stress anxiety and depression and for a couple of years has been ok, but over the last couple of weeks he is slipping downhill. My ds is very demanding even now and won't allow me to put him down when he sleeps without screaming until I usually end up in tears myself before picking him up again. My dh really needs me right now but ds is using up all of my energy and we have no family local to help. I feel my husband will end up walking out because he's told me he's not happy.

Oh, no.

Listen, this is so early in your child's life, and although there is a lot of confusion and possibly pain later on (though I hope not!), this is really the most confused, sleep-deprived and my-whole-life-has-changed-what-the-hell-have-we-done it is likely to be.

Have you got a sling? New babies like to be carried about, especially colicky ones.

Sleep when the baby does. I know it's hard (and I didn't take my own advice on this one, as I hated being woken unexpectedly), but do try. See if you can sleep with the baby and feed him in bed. That will save you time at night, too.

Try to get into a bit of a routine so the new life is at least predictable.

If you can get any family/friends to come and stay, that could help lighten the burden.

Meanwhile, I hope you know that it's very unfair of your DH to pressure you by telling you he's "not happy"! What the hell does he think you are doing - egging DS on to have colic, or something? It's not as though you have the magic "off" switch which ignorant outsiders are always huffing loudly about! Okay, he has some anxiety and stress issues, but this is still unfair on you. If he has a therapist or knowledgeable GP, he needs to talk this through with them, and learn some coping strategies. Not tell you "he's not happy".

Yes...sorry but your DH may "need you" right now...but your son needs you more and you need your husband more than he bloody needs you!

Maybe you need councelling together.

practical help too.
if they are in your area

get a sling hon xx

Thanks guys for your advice. I do have a sling which comes in very useful at times but I feel that now the colic stage sees to have passed I should be able to put ds down when he sleeps instead of having to hold him all day long? I work with children so iM not naive in how much time they take up but I never thought it would be this hard. RE dh, he's not pressuring me in any shape or form, just telling me how he feels because we've literally had NO time to just have 5 mins together, without ds in my arms, and it saddens me that he's feeling this way . I do miss him too bit guess it's easier on me because my energy is being used up else where 24/7. He is waiting on apt to see a therapist I don't think he is expecting too much to want to spend 5 mins alone with me but I'm just not sure how to give it too him, sorry for going on think I just needed to let it all out X

have you tried swaddling him. Swaddling is great for babies that like to be held. It restricts their movement in the same way it was restricted in the womb.

Get a swaddle or just use a sheet or a large muslin and wrap him up like this...
www.babycenter.com/how-to-swaddle-your-baby-gallery

If you get a hot water bottle and put it in the moses basket for a few minutes before you put him in it, he wont notice so much when you put him down and will hopefully settle for a good sleep.

scgd - you both need a break. Is there really nobody at all who could babysit for, say, just one hour, so you could go for a walk together or have a meal without interruption? It is such a huge thing, having a baby, and it takes a while to adjust to. If your husband suffers with depression I think he deserves a bit more sympathy than some of the posters above - yes, your baby needs you, but your husband can't help that he is struggling too. You sound like a very understanding and sympathetic person. You're talking to him about it, which can only be a good thing. Stick with it and try to get yourselves some time alone togther if you possibly can.

Have you tried a dummy to soothe your little one? They really can help. My DD liked to be swaddled when she was small, so I agree that's a good thing to try. Sometimes propping up the head end of the crib helps if the baby had a bit of reflux.

Hope things improve soon.

have you tried a baby swing was a life saver for us!

Thanks for coming back. It's so good to hear that he was not saying he was unhappy to pressure you - That would have been soooo much extra pressure!

Even if your family is not local, is there any chance someone could come for the weekend, to give you some time alone together?

I also found that swaddling and a dummy helped to settle my DD.

What is your DS like in a pram? Will he fall asleep when being pushed around? Could you perhaps all go on a nice long walk somewhere? That way hopefully DS will sleep and you and your husband can enjoy some time together. If you're lucky DS may fall into a deep enough sleep to allow you to stop off for lunch while you're out?

So sorry, scgd. I understand that your DH has his own medical problems but I think he perhaps has unrealistic expectations of parenthood. He really needs to find a way to support you and DS right now. Could you encourage him to take DS in the sling more/ get him to give your DS expressed milk in a bottle etc so that he feels more involved?

Or, like ajayjay said, could you take DS for a walk or a drive in the car (or even get DS to sleep, then drive home and have some time together?).

I think some of the posters above may be seeing this in terms of the hideous 'jealous partner' or a general problem, and falling somewhat into the trap of dismissing mental illness (I can't see them being so confident if he'd only broken both his legs, for example).

My partner has had depression (on-and-off) for ten years, and I think I know the feeling you describe exactly-not so much that they are 'demanding' help, but that you feel if they say 'I'm unhappy' this places pressure on you to act, because in the past this has been a sign of real trouble, and because you trust them not to be saying such things at such a difficult time unless they really feel on the edge. If nothing else, your DH is in a high risk group for PND, and I'm surprised your HV and/or doctor haven't mentioned this in advising you about the early weeks and given him support. And this isn't a clash between DH and baby, a seriously depressed DH is only going to make things worse for your DS.

Good points: it does get better. If your DS has been ill before then he and you know that love has in the past found a way through (I don't quite understand why you think he might walk out just because you can't give him full attention-is his illness already making him act unpredicatably?) You don't mention what help he is seeking elsewhere, which matters. You also don't mention what he is doing with the baby. Is there a reason you are the one cuddling for instance, and not him? Babies of that age benefit from hearing speech and don't really understand much, so there is no reason why you can't have a chat while cuddled together, there's no 'not in front of the kids' yet. Finally, having been through the ups-and-downs many times, one of the things I've become very aware of is that I often feel my partner is asking me to do things when this isn't the case, and that this is especially true in those periods of my life when I've been dedicated to 'caring'. Sometimes feeling like I have to fix everything has been a very bad move, especially since it makes my partner feel very edged out.

Please message me if there's anything you feel I can do, or you need to vent in a less public forum.

My father suffered from anxiety and depression. It's an awful curse, I can't describe it any other way. It's terrible for you as his wife too, but he needs medical help. Your baby is so young you musn't feel guilty that he needs your attention. You said he 'still' needs loads of attention. That need will be there for months, that's the nature of babies. I'm sure the baby arriving is probably a trigger for another attack for your husband, but he's probably due one as well. Has your husband been to the doctor, is he on medication?

When my father was on the downward cycle he'd blame my saintly mother and be quite abusive, but just remember it's the illness talking. Part of the illness it seems to me is to spread misery. Stand firm and insist he gets help.

Speak to your doctor yourself frankly and openly.

You can give your husband support, but you are neither the cause of his illness nor the cure.

I do feel for you.

scgd - could you put DS in a buggy and go for a walk together? I know its not exactly time alone but I always felt better when the LO's weren't actually in my arms. And if DS would sleep at least you and DH could chat, and if you tried to do it every day or at least a couple of times a week it could make a big difference for you.

I know its really hard for you at the moment, but it does get easier, it is a big shock to the system having a baby!

Hi there!
You need a break!!! Babies are hard work and they need you at this age.

Luckily at this age they don't care if it's a family member or a stranger so if you can possibly get a friend or anyone you trust to help out DO IT NOW!!!!

Don't think the baby can change, he can't. Sounds like your husband can't either so I do feel for you. You need support NOW so well done for coming on here. My Mum was priceless in taking both my babies at this age for a few hours on a weekly basis- just out for a walk but those few hours are so important.

Think someone else suggested if you really can't get anyone to have baby for a short time then go out for a walk with DH and baby when baby is likely to sleep, that may be the nearest you get.

Does your DH resent your time with baby. This is normal and actually most marriages go through blips at this stage, just yours perhaps is more vulnerable re coming out the other side due to husband's illness. I would suggest to your husband that he go to his GP to chat about how he is feeling. If he can get himself some independent support then that could ease things for the 3 of you.

Take care

i feel for you: you are being torn in two directions by two people who need you. as the baby is so tiny, at the moment it may be easier to get alternative support for your DH than for the baby: second all those who suggested GP, a therapist if he has one, and medication. i know how hard it can be to get a depressed person to seek help and you might need to be pretty proactive about this (also speak to health visitor: he won't be the first post natally depressed dad she ever saw and she might have useful advice).
if you can try and work out between you what the trigger for this episode was, that may help - is it that he normally has a lot of your attention/support and isn't getting it any more because (understandably) of the baby? or is it fear? if your ds was premature and had some health problems (the tongue tie) did that trigger anxiety for him (as i'm sure it did for you but you are clearly more able to cope with it?) working out what triggered it will help you find a way round it. if not family nearby does he have family/friends who can support him by phone etc?
oh and re the colic - baby massage helped our ds a bit (don't bother with the classes, get a library book - especially the action where you 'bicycle' their legs towards the tummy seemed to help), as did infacol and lots of walking up and down stairs. it helps to know colic usually goes by 3 months which seems ages away when you're suffering it but really isn't.

Sgcd, I feel for you. This is a phase, I promise it will pass. A weird suggestion that worked for us!! Our DS would also not be put down ANYWHERE without screaming constantly. After a teary chat with a health visitor, she suggested we pop a T-shirt/jumper that we had previously worn on the base of the moses basket/wherever your LO is sleeping. She reckoned it would help the baba to feel close to you. I tried it out of desperation and it really worked (albeit with a couple of minutes crying from LO!) but definitely helped him to feel comforted. Hope that's a small help. You're doing a great job, just remember, it's a phase and it WILL pass. :)

I had the same type of baby - she just wouldn't be put down and it was very wearing and that's without the other problem. Anyway, glimmer of hope, she started to settle down at 10 weeks and even went to bed at 7pm in own room from that time - major breakthrough for us at that time as we were going insane and were so tired. I hope this happens with you too. Best of luck with it all.

Just so you know, you're not the only new parent going through this!!
I cant think of anyone I know, who has had a smooth relationship straight after having a baby.
It is a big change in your lives, that takes some time to get used to. Then add no sleep, hormones changing, and partners that dont understand ontop of that!!
It certainly doesnt help when your baby doesnt settle well.
My second baby had colic, and I found it very difficult (as well as looking after a hypo 19 month old boy)
My partner told me when the baby was 2 weeks old, that he wasnt happy.And that he hadnt bonded with her.
He said he didnt want to change her nappy or do 'womans jobs' around the house - because his dad didnt! I felt heart broken that he didnt seem to want to know her (or spend time with me)
But after lots of arguing and talking for hours, all he meant was that he doesn't have any 'me time'.
We decided that as often as we could, we would take it in turns to have an hour each day, just for ourselves. So he has an hour walk alone, and I have an hour window shopping, Or go for a walk alone.
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We both came home feeling a bit more refreshed, and felt like we had a break.
There is hope with a colic baby, she used to cry constantly between 4pm - 10pm every night and wouldnt settle in the day either.
At about 13 weeks, she settled down, and even sleeps through the night. She is a happier baby, and doesnt stop smiling.
This has been a huge help with our relationship also!
There is light at the end of the tunnel. In a few months time you will hopefuly be feeling the same relief as I have.
Good luck, and just think of how amazing your little miracle is x