Bedtime lies - are we being awful parents?!?

[TerrysNo2]

DS (23 months) used to be a really good sleeper and go to bed with a nice smile and wave bye-bye. Since our holiday in August he has been really difficult and screams when we leave the room, sometimes for 1 minute and sometimes for 30 mins. We go in and give him a cuddle but he usually falls asleep crying

A couple of weeks ago we discovered that if we say something like: "do you want daddy / mummy / woody / music / pingu" he will say yes and then we say "ok we'll go and get it" and shut the door and then he goes to sleep.

I do not know what is worse - him crying himself to sleep or us lying to him

I always said I would never lie to DS as I hate lies and always want to be honest but at the moment I am doing this.

What do you think? Am I creating major long term problems?

I can see what you mean. It helps him not be unhappy but I'd feel bad about the lying too..
How about saying 'do you want woody?' and make sure its something he can actually have, then go get it and pop it in next to him 15 mins later when he's fast asleep? no lying then and also no crying...

I think thats a good idea Fel1x

What I really want is our happy little boy who used to wave "bye bye mummy/daddy" when we would leave the room.

No, I would not see this as a lie, not really. You are using "Do you want X" as code for "do you want to fall asleep quickly and easily without upsetting yourself and us in the process?" the fact is, if he were articulate enough to understand it then he would certainly say yes. It is not your fault that he is not yet able to understand what is good for him. It is your job as parents to provide that any way possible - and parenting almost always involves a white lie here and there.

If you are that worried provide the item after he is asleep but do not tie yourself in knots about this kind of lie please, it just takes away the energy you need for everything else!

I always tell them I'm just nipping off to wash up but will be back after. Seems to work and they are always a sleep by the time i see them.

I think at that age they are more aware that after you put them to bed you go downstairs and Do Stuff. Which they don't get to see / do themselves. Who knows what goes on in the magical world of Mummies and Daddies Downstairs - not as much as my dh would like I can tell you And I think he is more capable of missing you now.

great time for a new comfort object, especially if it glows in the dark, gloe teddy etc. My dd was started playing with her toys in her bedroom at around this age, she would have stories and be tucked in, then get out of bed and play for 30mins - 1hour and then pop herself into bed.

I don't see this as lying

Oh stuff lying, it bleddy works - stick with it!!!

My DP's horrid stepfather used to tell him and his brothers they had to go to sleep otherwise "the ten o'clock horses will get you."

Your lie won't do any harm IMHO.

I used to tell DD i just had to pop to the toilet and I'd be back after. She always fell asleep (and probably thinks i've got a really weak bladder).

sorry realised that wasn't much help

bendybanana ........ thats what I've been doing since DS hit a bad settling patch at around 2.
I told him I had to go down to tidy up and do dishes, and as soon as I'd finished I would come back upstairs to him. A cuddle and a kiss etc and it worked a treat.

great minds think alike

DS, who is 2 years old suddenly changed his easywould cry and cry if we left him to sleep and wanted me or DH to stay with him. As much as I love seeing him go to sleep, that meant that we could be sitting in silence for half an hour or more, after having read books earlier.

Then one night, I told him that I need to go to bed to sleep too, is that ok? He said bye bye mummy, blew me a kiss and happily went to sleep after waving at me. It was a revelation! I don't really go to sleep at 8.30, but if that's what he needs to hear, I'm happy to say it.

That's not too bad is it? :)

whoopsy

meant to write:
changed his easy going to bed routine

Similar thing happened with DS2. One night I just told him I had to go downstairs and would come back in a few minutes. When I came back he was nearly asleep. Therefter, he'd say "Thee me few miniths?", I say Yes, and then he fell asleep. Magic

I always used to fold the washing on the landing which DD found comforting.
she still often calls out 'are you folding the Washing Mum?' and she's 9!

i do exactly the same as OP!

I did the same too. If ds1 wanted a teddy i always made sure i did pop it in beside him because it wa guaranteed that 3 days later it would dawn on him he never got it. Or if i said i would be back after loo/tidying/cup of tea i actually went back. Very occasionally he was still awake but rarely but he was always happy that i'd kept my end of the deal.
You're not lying you are giving him a bit of comfort to help him go to sleep without upset.

Thanks guys, you have made me feel much better, and smile at the ingenius ways we get our DC's to sleep! DH put DS to bed tonight and didn't lie to him, he just said "do you want Mummy now and not Daddy", he said yes, so DH left, I was still at work!!

Think I am going to use the tone/coming back theme but not lie - I like the just washing up / will bring teddy ones. Maybe he just needs to know verbally that we will come back!

Thanks all so much!

Terrysno2, My ds1 is like this, he just needs a bit of reassurance, as long as he knows I'm coming back then he's fine and will go to sleep. I usually tell him what we are doing the next day too as an incentive to stay in bed. When you think about it it's strange! We spend all day together and then when its dark we all sleep apart!Its a strange idea really, no wonder most toddlers aren't too keen on it [hsmile]

have always said that i am going down stairs to wash up. And they have always accepted it. Sometimes it's even true!