So what do you tell your kids they should do if another child hits them?

[BleedyGonzalez]

I told DS (aged 4):

If they hit you once, shout at them good and proper so that you scare them off.

If they hit you again, hit them back, just once.

I was never the hitting type and even now as I am approaching 40 I am still trying to teach myself to stand up for myself. DH thinks hitting is wrong no matter what the situation, but I think there are circumstances when it's clearly not ideal but is a useful way to stop a potential bully and teach a child that standing up for themselves is important.

What do the rest of you do?

Hi my DS is 3 1/2 and we were put into this situation this PM. I told my DS to:
First time he gets hit to say don't do that I don't like it.
Second time to day it even more strongly
Third time to say it again and come and find me.
If at any point he gets hurt to say it and find me.
Not that i am far anyway

We're a bit like you. Dh thinks if someone hits you, you hit them back. I think you should walk away and tell the teacher.

But mine are still young. Not sure I'll be saying the same thing when they're teenagers.

Tricky.

My four year old son is a gentle soul and has never hit but has been on the receiving end of aggression at various times in the past. We've practised him saying very loudly and assertively, 'No, [child's name], don't hit me. I don't like it.' When he started school last month there was a child who kept hitting him over the first couple of weeks, and he eventually told the teacher who has sorted it out. I'm not at all in favour of hitting back. I don't think they will be able to differentiate between right and wrong times to hit.

I tell them to tell a grown up

I would be wary of telling my children to hit back. Isn't that telling them that hitting is OK? I usually tell mine to say ' no i don't like that' and to move well away from the child if it happens again. If it happens at nursery/school they would tell the teacher/carer what was happening.

Not an easy situation, my eldest is very passive and would allow other children to hit him. My youngest DS would always hit back despite me telling him not to! They all have their own personalities/ways of reacting.

missing - I was not unlike your eldest and always wanted to be more like your youngest, but never had enough self confidence.

It is a tricky one. I don't think it's at all straight forward - and in fact I've even heard teachers saying that a good hit can sort out a bully once and for all.

DS is a sweetie and never hits others. He doesn't have the sort of personality to become aggressive, and there are times when he's encountered boys of his age/ slightly older who clearly are already full of anger and aggression. It pleases me no end that he always shouts at them to leave him alone if they pick on him, but then the other day someone hit him as well. So I told him that hitting was wrong, but that if someone keeps hitting him he should use it to stop them.

DS very gentle and often gets targetted. I say hit back straight away, from my own childhood that worked and several teacher friends have said that in their opinion its the best way to deal with bullies.

Walk away, and never hit back. That is how wars are started.

I agree hitting is wrong in any situation - why stoop to the bullies level. Violence isn't the answer in my eyes. The best thing to do is get your son to tell the adult in charge.

Lynette, I think you'll find there's more to war than a couple of kids hitting each other in a playground.

Come to think of it, I was picked on incessantly by a tit at school...there was one point after several years of this when I finally thumped him. He was pretty shocked, then shook my hand, laughing, and saying he now 'respected' me more.

What an idiot. But IIRC he never picked on me again.

To those who say the first port of call should be an adult in charge, my response is that if I want my children to learn how to solve a range of problems independently (in true 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen style ) then I think it's important for them to be equipped for this sort of situation as well. Not least because it's nigh impossible for an adult to unravel the truth of these situations unless they've been watching like a hawk. Which I certainly don't now that DS is 4.

Sometimes DS will wheedle away at his baby sister, then eventually she'll push/ hit him away. Now, she's only 5 months old, but to him this is a genuine hit. When this happens I ignore it because I'm thinking 'serves you right'. I think bullies need the 'serves you right' treatment as well, and I believe that bullies need to regard their victims with respect. I can't see this happening if the victim goes running off to the teacher every time, and if I were the teacher after a while I'd be rolling my eyes.

I tell them to tell. My children are bigger and stronger than most of their peers. The thought of them hitting back worries me a lot.

I recommend that they hold the attacker at arm's length- just put their hand right out to keep the attacker away, and say "No! Do NOT hit me! That is NOT OK!" In a loud voice. Any passing adult is likely to intervene if required and they have made their feelings known very clearly, which may actually work.

Failing that, run away is what I advised my children. It worked until my son at 13 decided to take on 2 muggers of the same age and swung them into a lamppost. Luckily the muggers were wusses and unarmed or it could have gone ill for him and his sister.

My Dad always told me that if you hit back, hit them hard in the nose. It's likely to bleed and you'll only ever need to hit them the once. I never actually put this advice into practice!

BleedyGonzalez, what does your DS want to do/how did he react? To be honest I think you need to base your advice on the child's personality.

Boys are boys and will hit and fight even when they are the best of friends. 4 year old boys fighting is not going to start any war its natural behaviour and important for development. ALL boys do it sometime in their lives even if they are very passive. In my experience the passive ones torment the more lively ones in other ways and often provoke the more lively ones (who don't yet have other tools to deal with the situation) to hit them.

In my ideal world I never want my boys to hit or be hit but that is just not the way it is!

I tell my sons walk away, walk away and walk away again. If it is someone or a group constantly tormenting my son and walking away doesn't work then I tell him first time tell them loudly to stop, second time tell them to stop and warn them he will hit them back, third time hit them back as they have hit him.

I've read that playfighting is very important for boys with father or other trusted male adult - its how they learn to say stop when they have had enough and to stop when the other person has had enough, it helps build confidence to deal with these situations.

I think it depends what kind of children you have. None of my 3 would think twice about throwing a punch to someone who had hit them first.

And I know from experience of leaving my own kids to it, one calls the other stupid, there is a shove in retaliation, then a whack back, then a throw to the floor, then an almighty punch is throw. Blood starts to fly, and one child is trying to strangle the other.

I pull them apart, talk them though it and explain that if they had just walked away in the first place it wouldn't have escalated.

So for give me for simplifying wars, but I am dealing with children here.

I had to have this conversation with DS recently as he said a boy at nursery had been rude to him, and scared him. Not sure what had happened exactly but DS was quite teary about it.
I told him that if someone does something he doesn't like, he can say "stop it, I don't like it", then go and tell a teacher.

I tried to keep it simple as he's only just 3 but I think the essential message of "say stop, walk away" will stay as he gets older. I can't see myself ever telling him to hit back.

My husband and I have been teaching ds defensive moves!
Shout DO NOT HIT ME if they attempt to continue you block them, he has picked this up really well.
I have told my son not to take any crap, he needs to get out of the situation with as little force as possible, but if they need putting on the floor he will know how to do it!!

Our DTs do stick up for each other without us telling them to do so.
"Don't push my brother you silly boy!" did put a stop to a potentially naughty situation.
However, if someone were to hit either of my DTs, shout loudly: "No, don't do that!", if that won't work, hit them back.
I want my DTs to be able to stand up for themselves and not let some social misfit in training to ruin their day.

Ds has been the victim of sustained bullying from a group of boys. Adults have consistently been unable to stop it, so "telling a teacher" is no longer an option.

In our house the rules are:

1. Tell them clearly to stop.

1. If they are younger than you, walk away and tell them they are being very silly and you are not going to deal with silly children.

1. If they are your peers or older, do whatever it takes to get them to stop hurting you and then stop.

1. Never hurt anyone for fun or because you are angry.

Ds is now much larger than his peers and they know that if they start soemthing, he will finish it. School are also aware that if they happen to see ds hit someone, it is because they hit him first and more than once. He is no longer systematically bullied.

You sound like you've done an excellent job of supporting your son and enabling him to look after himself.

PreciousLittle - you've hit the nail on the head - the child's personality must be at the centre of whatever the parent tells them. That's why I think it's a good thing for my DS to learn that, as a normally gentle and pretty self-restrained child, he is entitled to stand up for himself.

He recently encountered a slightly older boy whose father picked on him and there were times when the boy tried to pick on my DS. DS wouldn't have any of it - occasionally he'd run back and tell me what the boy had done but mostly he'd shout at the boy and stand his ground. Good on him. I could learn from him myself...