Sad and worried about my DD 3.7 - please help, I feel crap!

[bringbackfonz]

Please tell me, is my DD 3.7 just run-of-the-mill difficult or is there something wrong?

She exhausts me. She's always busy, always wanting attention or to play with me or to have something she's not supposed to have. She doesn't sit still. She whines and strops about 5 times a day. When she gets cross she throws things on the floor. When she hurts herself she makes an awful fuss. When I'm talking to someone, she always interrupts.

On the positive side, she is very articulate, very affectionate, bright and funny. She often says sorry when she's naughty. She sleeps ok-ish. She doesn't have full-blown tantrums very often - maybe once every couple of weeks.

She has a baby sister, now nearly 6 months, and I think this has made her worse, but I had hoped by 6 months things would have got better - is it normal for sibling jealousy to last this long?

I feel crap a lot of the time, like I can't cope with her. People tell me I am too soft. But I worry maybe she has some behavourial condition and it's not her fault she behaves like this.

Thanks for any help - I need it!

Do you punish her for her misbehaviour and are you consistent in punishing her ech time in the same way?

She sounds quite normal to me.

yep she sounds pretty normal to me too!!!

Oh gosh she sounds utterly normal

My DS is slightly older and I have a DD - he is definitely unsettled by her even after a year

He feels she gets more attention and his behaviour has been quite challenging at times

I am making a big effort to spend one to one time with him even if I am knackered

She sounds a lot better behaved than my 3 yo

I'm hoping this is normal as I have a 3.5 year old and an 11 month. Both boys. My eldest has never accepted the wee one. He tells me he hates him and wants him to go away. Then one day I said, "right lets package him up and send him back to the hospital" and my eldest burst into tears and said he didn't want him to go cos he loves him. So now I just kind of ignore the horrible things he says about his brother, he will get over it eventually I hope.
My eldest has to be the whiniest, most obstinate kid ever. He fights tooth and nail with me over every little thing. We've tried everything. I have a worn patch on my bottom stair from the "naughty step". He screams blue murder when I'm taking him to the step then sits there waiting but it has no actual lasting effect. He seems to decide he will do the crime and do the time. It drives me mad. He is harder work than his baby brother. The worst is when we are in public. It's utterly embarrassing. He says awful things to random people like "you're stinky" or "that girl isn't pretty" and a million other cringe worthy comments. And if you try and shut him up he makes a big scene. I've actually started making excuses about going to visit friends as he tells them their house is dirty,I hate ur buns etc. All just for effect. Meal times r awful, he tells me he wants to starve and be a skeleton.I just feel like all I do is shout from morning to night. I've tried charts, confiscating toys etc and I hate to say it but I have smacked him when the cheek gets really bad. He doesn't give a toss. I just worry he's got some sort of condition. He's always been really awkward, just different probs at each stage. Sorry if it seems like I've hijacked ur thread but hopefully u will feel better knowing there r more of us out there struggling with similar issues!!
Melanie

From what I have heard the sibling rivalry gets worse as the new baby becomes more interesting. Your DD might have been an angel when the new baby arrived, very proud to be the big sister, etc., but now the baby is becoming more interactive and people are remarking on that. It makes sense that this makes the jealousy worse.

It sounds quite normal to me! isn't it unbelievable how defiant and headstrong such small people can be! I have 3y8m old twin boys (and 5y8m old boy) I think that a lot of the behaviour is a fight for attention and worse is that it sounds as if you are giving attetion for undesirable behaviour, keep reminding yourselves that at this age the kids are looking for any attention, they don't recognise it as good or bad - hence my twins laughing when I get mad and shout at them. Dt1 is my most difficult and he loved naughty step because everytime he got off it I would pick him up tell him to stay and put him back over and over and over... it was all attention for him.

I think that these kids need loads of attention and praise for the good things, ignore the strop when she hurts herself (how can you ever know if she is really hurt if she always makes a fuss at the slightest bump?), but praise her for doing the smallest good thing, ignore him when he says embarrassing things in public but praise him when he says something nice.

Wornoutmum - what is your boys diet like, mine get much worse with any sugar, preservatives etc..

Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one finding this extremely hard and that my boys are normal!

Normal

Oh and try to make sure you have some special one to one time everyday at least once with them - 5 or 10 mins at a time and chat with them.

Very very normal.

People always talk about the terrible 2s, but I've always found my 3 year olds much, much worse!

had to do a double take, she strops 5 times a day?

That is quite good, mine stropped a lot more!!!

I found that my DC at this age needed a lot of outdoors activity, really, after playgroup they would run around in the park for about 2 hrs.

It`s important to physically exhaust them at this age.

Get active

Sounds just like my little girl! We're struggling a bit with her at the moment as her behaviour has just got worse all of a sudden. I think you just have to take it day by day and try not to blame yourself for her behaviour. You can always message me!

My eldest was so easy but my second one aged 2 is just liked you described. She is very articulate/fun but also more sensitive to exhaustion/activites. I am trying the following at the moment -

Give her lots of attention when she is being good. We are doing more creative activities together too.

Time out i a room (or buggy or car seat)for grumpyness and whining. I count to 3 and is she hasn't stopped I put her in a room for a few mins and quickly/calmly explain the reason.

I've tried to include her in conversations more - or have food/a small toy handy to buy some time. She really just wants my attention and so I try and make sure we have had quality time before I chatter to my friends at playgroup.

Making sure she gets enough sleep during the day/night.

Ignoring paddies - just walk off into another room.

If she is demanding or rude - telling her to use her nice words. Our conversations usually go - 'I'm hungry now, want apple' to which I say 'SAY Please can I have an apple Mummy'. Once she says it nicely she gets the apple. She gets nothing for rudeness but I stay neutral and calm.

I think she can tell when i'm having a down day and seems to take on board my mood. I really try and be up beat even on these days now although don't feel like it.

Do remember that it is just a stage and they will come out the other side- well thats what I keep telling myself anyway!

Hi GoingLoopy,
you had mentioned diet having an effect on behaviour. I wholeheartedly agree. I have banned Dominos pizza in our house - I just don't know what is in the pizza sauce but it sends my eldest son loopy and fruit shoots believe it or not have a similar effect on him. However, even when he's eating normal healthy food he's still a terror. Keep having to remind myself he's only 3. Going to try picking my fights a bit more. Someone had mentioned kids just trying to get attention, even negative attention. Maybe that's hit the nail on the head there. I guess if I'm telling him off I'm not giving the younger one attention.
Goodness, nothing is simple.
Has made me feel better though knowing theres more of us out there all going through the same problems!! This is a great forum. :)
Melanie

My dd was 3.1 when ds was born. She refused to have anything to do with him, and was an acting out, hyperactive kind of child for a good long while.

She had 3 years of being the sole focus of attention, why wouldn't she be pissed off at having to share.

The one thing that did help was time, and having ds2 . The fact that I could barely pay either of them that much attention, brought them closer together IMO. They get on fine now, with normal squabbling,are lovely with the baby.

Just make a point of spending a lot of alone time with your eldest, give her the attention she needs (thats not a dig btw, they want more attention than you could possibly give). Hope it works out.

I agree btw checkmate, 2 is nothing compared to 3, my 2yo's were charming, they were so lovely they were the reason their siblings exist I must get a puppy when ds2 is 2 lol.

Very, extremely normal I think. My dd1 is exactly the same age, and this time last night I was actually sitting in tears wondering the same thing. (She'd been up since 4am!) The defiance is unreal, as are the tantrums, attention seeking,and the sheer stubborn wilfullness. So not much advice for you, but definite fellow feeling. This too shall pass!

Three = teenager in training.

Horrible age in my experience, particularly with the added joy of a new baby in the house. It does get better, honestly. Patience, a room to shout loudly in (on your own) the odd glass of wine and the constant thought 'it WILL get better' should about do it.

Thank you so much everyone, I feel so much better hearing that I'm not alone and you think she sounds normal.

Tonight we had a big tantrum (after my saying in my OP they don't happen that often...) because I wouldn't carry her down the stairs. What 3-and-a-half-year-old expects to be carried down the stairs?!

Also, I realized that 5 strops a day was indeed rather optimistic. Today it must have been more like 15.

But despite today having been an even worse day than usual in terms of her behaviour, I am feeling better than I normally do thanks to this thread!

Three have definitely been much worse than two for us. Maybe that's because of the new sibling, or maybe terrible twos is a real misnomer.

I meant, three HAS definitely been worse than two.

I got told that a three year old is a two year old with a year's practice!

Mine's exactly the same and she hasn't got any siblings taking the attention away from her.

She has started spontaneously telling me she loves me in the past few weeks though. I like to try and recall the nice bits when I can.