Struggling with dd's manners. How to instill?

[bamboostalks]

My dd is 4 in January and is very reluctant to say thank you which I find embarrassing. In fact it winds me up no end. I have very generous friends and family and she is always being given treats and pressies but is quite sulky and won't say thanks. The whole thing turns into a huge performance and I get stressed and feel she is 'showing me up'!

She will say thank you to me no problem and for normal day to day transactions, the thank you comes out automatically. She is not that shy and is quite confident and gregarious so where am I going wrong? I feel it has become a battle of wills now. I have tried role play and speaking to her but to no avail.

Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks.

It sounds like self-consciousness rather than deliberate rudeness. I'd try to avoid the huge performance, it will only make her worse.

I'm sure other people will disagree with me but personally I'd say something like 'it's nice to say thank you when somebody gives you something', and then leave it. You can explain to your friends that she finds it hard to say thank you if you think they are unhappy about it. She will grow out of it.

Yes I agree, it is self consciousness but is is so annoying. She can also refuse to say good bye and be quite stroppy. Thanks for the advice, I do keep reminding myself it is a stage.

I have been in your shoes!

And I also found that pressuring DD1 into saying goodbye and thank you made matters worse.

I have now explained that saying those things constitutes good behaviour and that it makes people happy for her to say thank you etc. and now at 4½ she is fine with it and just needs to be reminded once in a while.

So no worries, your DD will get there :)

Anything that is a big deal and to do with social embarrassment will be very loaded. Speaking as someone who has older children now - I would forgive these sort of "bad manners" in a child this age.

With my DS1 it happens with thank you, goodbye and also sorry when he's been quite rude/stroppy. I've actually found the 'sorry' more important to follow through on, because it is easier to link with a potential punishment, eg removal of a toy if no apology by the count of 5.

Or time out in a store until he said sorry loudly enough to be heard after a tantrum which was heard by all and sundry.

By stressing the apologies the thank yous and goodbyes have become louder and often unprompted, especially when he's praised afterwards for his good manners - although he still has his moments!

Thanks for all that advice. Saying sorry is another bugbear too. It is just awkward when older members of the family are genuinely sad when she won't say goodbye and turns away. They would love a cuddle and a kiss.

dd is 7 and is STILL having these issues and it is about self consciousness. I hate to admit I often make an issue of it when she ignores someone or won't look at them when saying thank you. It can't just be me not addressing it. I feel awful at times. I worry that people think I'm just happy for her to be seemingly rude. I'm trying to accept that she will get better at this and that it doesn't mean she'll end up a crack addicted prostitute because of this. Although I'm sure there are many polite crack addicted prostitues out there.

My dd is a couple of months younger than OPs, and can be similarly self-conscious. She gets more reluctant the more I push it. I often say, "would you like me to say, thank you on your behalf?", and do so, which gets the job done and still involves her. People often appreciate home made cards, a quick e-mail with pic, or a story about how she loves playing with x too.

My dd is a couple of months younger than OPs, and can be similarly self-conscious. She gets more reluctant the more I push it. I often say, "would you like me to say thank you on your behalf?", and do so, which gets the job done and still involves her. People often appreciate home made cards, a quick e-mail with pic, or a story about how she loves playing with x too.