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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Think friends ds has autism please help!

23 replies

staceym11 · 12/09/2005 10:56

my friend of 16 has a ds of 2 somebody recently mentioned to her that he is showing signs of autism but she wont take him to anybody in the health service coz she thinks it is something she has done! does anybody have any advice on how to persuede her to get him checked???

Please help!

OP posts:

edam · 12/09/2005 11:39

What signs, exactly? Is this person someone who knows about autism or has any experience of it? There have been a lot of threads on here with people upset because friends or teachers have mentioned it when it's complete rubbish - the people raising it have no experience at all.

Autism isn't something that parents cause - as far as I know no-one's sure about the cause but parents of autistic kids are just like you and me - normal people doing their best for their children. And all sorts of people have autistic children - there's not one type of parent so how can the parent be at fault?

But if she is worried, it's worth taking her son along to her HV or doctor just to put her mind at rest. Try to reassure your friend that a. autism is NEVER the parent's fault and that b. usually when people who don't know anything about autism mention it they are wrong. And suggest she takes her ds along to the docs just to reassure herself. Not sure what else you can do tbh. Hope someone with some experience of autism comes along to share their expertise soon.

HTH

lyra41 · 12/09/2005 12:13

I don't think it's something you need to panic about. If the signs are really obvious, your friend will gradually accept that she needs to get some support for herself and her son, and if they're not really obvious, they may not be very severe. It's a good idea to reassure her that autism cannot be caused by a parent. Maybe you could get some written information for her to read from the National Autistic Society. You'll be able to access their website for addresses etc, or maybe print info off from there and give it to her so she can make up her own mind about her son.

Original poster

staceym11 · 12/09/2005 15:47

Yeah have printed some stuff off already, am seeing her tomorrow will try and get her to take him to get checked over. he seems quite normal (cant really think of any other way to put it, not trying to offend anyone!) to me, but he hasnt spoken yet, he points if he wants/needs something, he can crawl but not quickly and he hasnt even attempted walking.

the person who suggested it was a friend of hers, dont really know if she has any experience of autism or not.

OP posts:

starlover · 12/09/2005 15:54

does she do a lot for him?
i only ask because a friend of mine has a little boy who is very similar. she pre-empts everything, always has done so he has never needed to ask for anything or go anywhere because she is always right there doing it for him iyswim...

Jimjams · 12/09/2005 16:56

If he's poiting etc I'm sure he's fine. Sounds like "friend" may be one of the myriad of autism experts out there- none of whom have been within a 5 mile radius of an autistic child.

onlineid · 12/09/2005 17:08

Message withdrawn

mumtoone · 12/09/2005 21:44

I would avoid suggesting the child has any particular disability such as autism because you simply don't know. I would however suggest she sees an HV as 2 years old is quite late for a child not to have started walking.

Jimjams · 12/09/2005 21:48

oh missed the walking! Read it as talking. Yes worth seeing someone if not walking at 2 but walking has nothing to do wit autism. My severely autistic ds1 was walking within the normal range and my friend's autistic dd was walking at 9 or 10 months (ludicrously early anyway),

Davros · 12/09/2005 22:43

If some arse suggesting he has autism has scared her so much then I would be quite blunt with her, in as friendly and kind a way as possible, as you may have just as much impact. Get her to see HV/GP, go with her if necessary, its probably fine although agree that not walking at 2 is worth looking at but unrelated to autism.

Original poster

staceym11 · 13/09/2005 14:02

went to see her this morning, and got her to take him to a drop in clinic, the hv said it is def NOT autism as he has no signs of that. but she said there is something wrong, they'r sending him to have some tests on his hips as they think he could have arthritis and that could be the cause of not walking!

thanks everyone though!

OP posts:

CarlyP · 13/09/2005 14:14

did she not take him to the checks at 9mths and 2yrs? how on earth could no one sopt that if a child isnt walking by 2 that something is probably wrong. that poor little boy may have been in pain etc and no one has had an ounce of common sense to spot it. that is awful.

Original poster

staceym11 · 13/09/2005 15:16

she didnt take him to his 2 yr one because somebody mentioned they thought he had autism and she got scared. shes fought through burning walls of fire to keep her ds as she was only 14 when she had him and he is a very happy boy, please dont accuse like that, she loves him very much but finds it very hard as she feels anything wrong with him is her fault!

OP posts:

CarlyP · 13/09/2005 16:16

has she got no friends and family? she is obviously not educated at all in looking after her child, as she seems to lack a bit of common sense and definitely confidence. can she not go on some sort of parent craft class? surely there must be some and somewhere she can meet other teenage mums etc so they can all talk and then she'd realise she isnt alone. this is not all about her lack of parenting 'sense', but at the lack of support she obviously receives. she is obviously fearfula nd someone needs to point her in the right direcion

Jimjams · 13/09/2005 18:59

bit harsh carlyp! People are often very negative towards young mums.

Davros · 13/09/2005 19:00

stacey, pleased to see that something has happened and she is getting some appropriate help. Do you have SureStart in your area? That would be a good place to look for support and info etc.

Caththerese1973 · 14/09/2005 05:14

Listen to jim-jams, who know what she's talking about. autistic kids usually do not point. he is probably just a bit of a late developer. if your friend is worried herself, tell her to take him for a check - no-one will pin a 'bad mum' label on her. But don't keep going on about too much yourself- you'll only worry her more. if she really doesn't want to take him for a check I would leave it.

Caththerese1973 · 14/09/2005 05:31

oops thought boy was 1 not 2. Obviously a 2 year old should be walking. but like they said at your friend's visit to the clinic, he probably does not have autism.
I do hope they get to the bottom of it for your friend's sake! She is very young to have to deal with such stresses.

CarlyP · 14/09/2005 07:26

It is a bit harsh and i think that someone that young should/would have had more support etc. However she must have to take some responsibility herself.

Original poster

staceym11 · 14/09/2005 09:06

shes just scared, and she does know other teenage mums but as she was only 14 when she had him people have pinned a bad mum (or rather silly teenager) label on her, her family disowned her and about all she has is me (and a few close family friends but she doesn't seem to accept their advice!) shes trying to do her best but doesnt want people to think badly of her.

thanks jimjams, this has really helped, hes got a hospital appointment for 2 weeks time to get his hips tested. thanks everyone.

Yeah we do have a surestart, do you think i should get her to get in touch with them, do they help young mums (i dont really know about it all, even though im a young mum myself i never needed that sort of thing as i have a wonderfully understanding mother.

OP posts:

Marina · 14/09/2005 09:35

It's great she has you to give her some extra advice and support Stacey, much better than just criticising. And as you and your fab mum and the HV, know, the "official" time to pick up not walking as a developmental issue is aged two.
Friend's dd who wasn't walking at two turned out to have "hypermobility", where she was so flexible her hips just weren't quite strong enough at two to support her weight (lots of people have hypermobility - they are sometimes called "double-jointed"). She got a lot of support from SureStart. Good luck to your friend. It's not just young mums who are sometimes hesitant about picking up the phone to the HV

Davros · 14/09/2005 16:16

Definitely contact Surestart, I think it would be perfect for her and you might get interested in some of the tea drinking and outings etc!

ediemay · 14/09/2005 16:30

Dear staceym, I have just read this and wanted to say I think you are a GREAT friend. I can understand why she is frightened of being judged all the time - please tell her from me that all new mums are in the dark together, whatever age they are. My friend's DD wasn't walking at 2, she had a course of HNS physiotherapy and is now up and walking. I hope you keep on supporting your friend - it must be worth so much to her and her DS.

Original poster

staceym11 · 14/09/2005 16:42

thanks everyone, i dont feel great that its taken me 2 months to convince her, but i suppose im still around. yeah will find some information on sure start and get her to contact them. thanks everyone!

OP posts:

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