Feel like I'm fucking up my 3 year old already

[bicarbonateofsoda]

He's lovely, articulate, and we escaped the terrible twos. But now he's cheeky, stubborn and just refuses to do what he's told until we have a big row about it. He also wakes every night and comes into our bed, and sometimes refuses to go to sleep there and we end up having big nighttime rows.

I try to give warnings eg count to three or X consequence will happen (consequences usually are threats like "or we won't go to the park", "or I'll throw your digger in the bin"). So rarely followed through.

Refuses to put pants on after going to toilet - says he can't which is nonsense, he can dress himself perfectly well. Ends up in big shouting rows until he does it, threats of going back to nappies etc. When I really lose my rag he puts them on quickly.

I make him feel guilty eg "you've woken up mummy and daddy and your sister and now we're all sad because of you", and I hate myself for it but it just comes out. It doesn't even work.

I shout all the time and lose my temper. I try to be clear but he just doesn't care. Then ages later he says something which makes me think my words have sunk in hurt him and I feel terrible - but if he hasn't responded to what he's been told it seems like he doesn't care so I escalate to these threats etc as they, at the time, are seemingly ineffectual.

I got "How to Talk ..." but can't seem to relate it to real life/to a child of his age. Just feel lost, like I'm emotionally screwing him up, like the boundaries are blurry for him and I can't control myself enough or think clearly enough to make them clearer for him. He's not even that bad, he's just 3, and wilful, and it doesn't matter how furious I get he doesn't care/listen, nothing I say makes him listen to me. I think it'll get worse :(

Just went on to post a similar message myself. So I know how you are feeling.

Not sure what to recommend as i dont seem to have any answers for my 3yr old hitting, pushing over and kicking his baby sister.

The only thing I can suggest is when you know you are really angry to say " i love you BUT I am angry/upset/cross with this behaviour"

It makes me feel as though I am punishing the behaviour and not the child, a great teacher friend told me about it and it makes me feel better when I lose my temper and shout, hope it helps

As a mother of four, reward charts have never been my favourites. To me they're too close to bribery - 'if you behave the way you're meant to behave, then you get more stuff' isn't the message I want to send my children. I think telling them exactly what they've done well and showing them how much we appreciate it is enough. They really do want our aproval, even if it doesn't always seem like it. So instead of shouting at them when they get up in the middle of the night, you might try saying something like - 'You stayed in bed for 6 hours. Thank you so much for that.' I've heard we should try to give toddlers 25 positive comments for every negative one.

All that being said, I've also spent nights awake feeling guilty about how I've treated my children. And just wait until they go to school - then after horrendous mornings you get to drop them off and worry and feel guilty all day that you're f*ing them up. It doesn't end!

Thank God its not just me! Ive just had the shopping trip from hell with my dd 3.7,refusing to get up off the floor pulling things off rails ,shouting and screaming ,saying no, laughing in my face,kicking off in the cafe so I had an audience.She has always been so good in the past and Im starting to think Im crap at this parenting lark.I half contemplated just leaving her in the changing room and going home!When we got home she said are you sad mummy?Shes always asking me if Im happy or sad.Ive been good, spoke to her in a low voice, got down on her level,did time out in the cafe.Tell me it gets better-please!

If DS2 has a tantrum (frequent) I try to ignore as best I can, and then after a few minutes will say 'Do you want a hug?' The answer is almost always 'yes'. He will calm down and then we can have a talk about it. I will say something like 'were you cross because you were having so much fun playing at grandmas house?' he will say 'yes' and i will try and explain that I understand he was cross, but that we needed to leave and that I didn't like being shouted at. He will usually say sorry and we are done. he then often praises himself if he is good 'i didn't shout then did I mummy', so it is sinking in, slowly.

This approach does seem to be better than my other approach, when I am not feeling so virtuous, of shouting at him and threatening with removal of toys or whatever.

At 3 they are just babies. If he doesn't want to pull up his pants, don't sweat it, just do it for him. He will not be asking you to do this age 6.

Book review time! Playful Parenting. I finally finished it.

The basic premise seems to be that play solves everything. If you give your children proper playtime with you then all the ills of the world will be solved and behaviour problems will be a thing of the past - there might have been something about world peace as well. Ok, it doesn't quite say that but that's the underlying message.

It is on the extremely child-centered view of parenting. So if a child is doing attention seeking behaviour, give them good quality attention and it'll stop. Through play, you can find out what your child is thinking and maybe modify that if there are issues. But you have to get down and dirty with them. You have to think about their play properly and engage with it - however bored you may be - because if you show them you are bored then you are basically saying what they are interested in is rubbish. Maybe it's one of those occasions where you have to fake it until you make it.

I think the approach does lean a little too heavily on the parent being quick, witty and spontaneous. That isn't me, but he does give a few suggestions so hopefully I'll learn. The main suggestion is to set aside some time each week for dedicated playtime where the child chooses what to do. You can modify or steer the play somewhat if you want to address an issue, but mostly it is for the child to be in charge and give you some idea of what they are thinking about.

I liked it but then I'm really not into punishments, time outs or sticker charts and I like a child-centred approach. Not for you if you liked 1,2,3 parenting but probably things to take away if you liked HTT.