I hate you and don't want you to ever come back

[nancydrewrocked]

...So said my 4 year old DS when I dropped him at school this morning. I cried

He is like this quite a lot. Very angry if he doesn't get his own way and is also physical with me mostly throwing stuff at me but sometimes hitting and kicking.

The behaviour is saved for me - I don't think he has ever been physical/shouted at another adult although according to his teacher he is "quite physical" at school with other children although she emphasised that a lot of the boys in the class were like this and it wasn't unmanageable, it was just flagged as the area he needs to work on.

Please tell me that this is either normal or help me to deal with it, it is getting me down.

Isn't it lovely the way our kids save this stuff for their mums! Ignore the words, he doesn't mean it. He's just cross he's not getting his own way and knows exactly what to say to hurt you. Whenever mine said something like this, I just said 'Fine' and carried on with what I was doing.

The physical aggression should be addressed though. He needs to know that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable. Use 'time out' or a naughty step or whatever works for you.

"Gee that's a bummer, coz you're stuck with me sunshine!" That's what I say to verbal abuse; water off a duck's back, frankly. DC must indeed hate me for it . (I am over-sensitive about plenty of things, but the occasional "I hate you!!" seems normal to me).

Physical attacks are harder... I end up restraining until they calm down, they or maybe we both apologise, we can draw a line under it and move on. Thrown toys get hidden away for days until I feel like giving them back (I know some parents just bin thrown items immediately).

It's really normal - but still hard to hear.
I just say 'oh that's a shame' in a bored voice and wander off (not giving a reaction).

Thanks - I do normally say "that's a shame because I love you" and depending on his behaviour generally I either walk away or lighten the mood by tickling him or being silly with him.

The physical attacks are difficult because there is literally nothing I can do that bothers him. I can put him on the naughty step and he'll sit there for 4 minutes saying "I don't care" (which obviously I ignore), I send him to his room which doesn't phase him or confiscate toys which causes an almighty tantrum for 5 minutes/half an hour and then the toy itself is forgotten.

He knows fighting is bad because as I say he wouldn't do it to anyone else.

Sometimes I lose my temper and just shout at him (and then feel enormously guilty- even though it doesn't seem to bother him).

God it's just so wearing!

I totally understand. It makes you feel like a useless parent but you're obviously not!

With ds, things like the naughty step didn't work at all, at least not with his parents. We had the violent outbursts too. The good news is that as he is getting older, the concept of being sent to his room is a clear punishment and he's able to take it as such. It works, now. Also, the 'violence' has been downgraded to blowing raspberries. Still not acceptable but heartening that he doesn't "need" to hit any more.

We did take away toys and all that. It worked sometimes, to some extent. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen techniques worked better. You feel like a twit, talking like an overemoting American, but it worked. I can't remember what we did exactly but if you can get hold of that book, then do try it.

Uprune it is just depressing beyond belief and I do have an ongoing issue with one of the mums treating me like crap and DS like he is the spawn of satan everytime he so much as breaks into a run.

I have a DD a year older and whilst I can't say she is easy I don't think I treat them differently and I just don't know where DS's behaviour comes from.

Just to add that my DS was like this at 4 - apparently there's a testosterone surge at this age? He did seem to come out of the worst of it after a bloody long time little while. Good advice on from other posters on how to deal with it in the meantime.

I know, I know, it really is SHIT. Many times I just wept out of sheer frustration because I could see people doing the things I was doing, with their children, and getting results, while we got (seemingly) none.

Hang in there, you've just got to keep plugging away. Keep on with the positive parenting, keep on top of the outbursts, read that book, try it out, make sure he's not hungry, etc etc. And it WILL get better, it really will, which I know isn't any consolation right now, but you know that being a good parent is about groundwork too, and you are certainly having to do a lot of that - it will pay off.