My 'horrible' 18 month DS....

[SouthMum]

........I feel like he is just so nasty at times but dont know if its normal.

For about 3 - 4 months it seems he is just so unhappy. He bites me, pinches me, throws things, screams, wants constant attention to the point where no-one can do anything but pander to him to get some peace. We are trying to teach him not to do naughty stuff and have tried ignoring him, moving him away from offending whatever it is he shouldnt be messing with, shouting "NO" and moving him away, being nice and explaining why he shouldnt hit me so hard my glasses fall off my face etc and nothing is working.

DP and I work FT and we are lucky enough to have family to help with childcare and apparantly he is usually brilliant and has a great time

Starting to feel that he is just so unhappy at home and I dont know why. I had a week off work recently and I was so looking forward to spending time with my boy but it was just misery for both of us. I had even started looking for p/t work so I could spend more time with him but now I am thinking whats the point?

Please tell me that this is normal and will pass? I want my loving little boy back.

I want to say he is only eighteen months, does he get enough sleep, exercise, food, water?

Stop the nice explaining and short hand your instructions, he just needs no and a quick sentence. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Is he talking? And do you try and understand him and give him words for his moans?

(Personally I think working part time is great, although this is unpopular I think small children need a parent around or a constant carer, preferably not nursery)

is he getting enough proper food, and does he get enough wind down time - stories and cuddles, before bed? I found my ds got like this if he didn't eat enough protein, and if he felt he was always being shunted around from mil, to nursery and activities etc (I work full time too). On my free days it really helped to slow right down and just do not very much with him.

I dont think there are any food issues. I always make sure he has healthy snacks for inbetween meals and I think he gets enough exercise.

I wondered if it might be his naps as he still likes to have an hour or so in the afternoon but I wasnt sure if he still should have one so I tried to stop that and he was even worse so needless to say the nap has been reinstated for the time being.

Wind down time is hit and miss. Some nights he will happily cuddle up but other nights he refuses to sit still.

He is kind of talking, he has about 10 or so words and we do talk back to him but all we seem to be saying at the momeht is "no"!!

I think his back teeth are coming through at the moment and at first I thought it might be discomfort from that but surely they dont take this long to come through?

They take ages. With only ten words it's difficult to be understood, must be really frustrating!

Poor you. It's so tough sometimes! Not much else to add other to reiterate what other people have said about ignoring it as much as possible and giving clear instructions. His behaviour does sound like it may be borne of frustration and/or tiredness? You'll probably find that as his communication skills improve, so will his behaviour. And just to say also that my DS had a good daytime nap until he was about 2 and a half. Hope it improves soon for you.

Maybe your expectations are too high? Do you have much interaction with other 18 month odlds? At 18 months they are still completely irrational. There is no point in trying to explain things. If he hits you just say 'no hitting' and walk away from him. Also, FWIW, both my dcs (22 months and 4 years) want constant attention. The 4 year old understands now that sometimes I can't focus on him because I have things to do but the little one doesn't understand and will trail behind me whining or screaming while I try to get essentials done. But, if you can arrange (maybe with dh) for one of you to pander to him, it might be easier.

Also, if you work ft, you are probably seeing your ds at the most stressful and crankiest times of day. Getting out the house in the morning is always hard and children tend to be feral in the evening. That might be why his carers find him easier during the day.

I can't imagine why you would stop an 18 month old napping, unless you can't get him to bed at night.

Its tough - but honest, he's just a toddler. My 19 month old son is very similar - but he's also loving, funny and sweet among all the difficult times, so it all balances out. He'll be finding it really overwhelming trying to cope with his teething plus boundaries and finding out social norms, and he's not in control of his emotions and cant communicate properly, so he will lash out. Stay loving, calm and consistent - tell him why he shouldnt do x because it hurts you and its not nice to hurt you as it makes you sad, use the thinking step if you think he can understand the idea (my DS2 does) for a minute of thinking time after which he says sorry and you kiss and go on to enjoy your day and remember, this is just a phase - it will eventually pass.

He sounds exhausted to me.

(And exhausting!) DS1 was like this. You have my sympathy. He eventually grew out of it.

18 months is a difficult age as usually they have a few words and can walk so people assume they are older than they are and have too high expectations. Tantrums can come when a child is hungry, thirsty or tired so do a quick mental check if that could be the case. IME a nap at this age is still required and normal.

I would stop the shouting of no, it isn't the volume it is the tone of voice that is important. A firm no, we don't do that and then walk away. Hard work put in now will help to stop your child being a 6 year old who has tantrums.

Just echoing other posters: my DD is only a couple of months older, but can display behaviour like this too.

As another poster said, do you have any opportunity to see how other 18 month olds behave? If you do get chance to watch some for a bit (at playgroup or a friend's house) you'll probably find your son is being fairly average.

I'm very surprised you stopped his nap though, I've never heard of this - in fact every parent I know wants the daytime nap to go on as long as possible. Or for a lifetime, if you're Spanish or Italian! DD still sleeps up to 2.5 hours in the afternoon (12.30 - 3pm) every day, at 20 months. She goes to bed at 8pm, wakes about 7.30am.

She's quite horrible if she doesn't get that nap, as am I!

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I agree that maybe my expectations are too high. Just listening to other people with kids this age and they sound like a dream but in all honesty I dont see other kids his age that much (unless you count the knobs I work with).

I also only tried to stop his naps as a friend suggested it might be the reason why he is cranky at night but to be hoenst I am glad he still wants them. Christ I need a nap most days when Im not working!!

Tryingtoleave - you have made me think, I do only really see DS when I am in a rush to get us all ready in the mornings, or when I get in from work at 6.30pm and we are both tired and stressed. A friend said he might be playing up for me because even if I am showing him negative attention its still attention.

I am seriously trying to get something p/t, finances will be really tough but if I can get something that will make me less stressed (Im also on medication for stress / depression as if things werent bad enough) then we all might be a bit happier.

I too think that he's possibly playing up when he's over-tired. 18 months is very young to stop the daytime nap. My children in general were still having a nap up until about three or so. Of course, over time, the naps got shorter, but one of my girls in particular was still having a half hour or so when she was around four. Mind you, she's still very fond of her bed and she's now 23! I'd much prefer to have a child going off to bed happily in the evening a little bit later than one that was fractious for several hours and going to bed early.

Have you thought about taking time outside with him? Going swimming perhaps? Taking him to a playpark to burn off steam? Then back home for a nap and hopefully getting up from that in a better frame of mind.

I know it can be so hard when they're at this age, but all things do pass, and one day you'll look back and wonder why you worried about it.

One peice of advice, ignore if you wish..
Do not let this spiral into a negative bad place.
SO

Every night at bedtime, put him in his bed/cot and tell him 3 things that he has done today that have made you smile, happy, love him more than anything in this whole world. GOOD things only.

end the day with happy, love snuggles and a nice note, doesnt cost anything, not even time, just 2 little minutes at the end of his little day.

I did this and its lovely, some days i have to admit, i could not think of anything, so "didnt you breath well today" came to mind as that was the only thing that he did ok

why cant your current employer let you go PT? they would have to have a very good reason not to

Part-time sounds like a perfect solution for you and your ds to spend some happy time together at home or at the playground or whatever, even if you can only wrangle two half days off per week, that means two fun and happy outings for you both.

Good luck: as Vinegartits pointed out, your employer has a legal obligation to consider your part-time request. In this economic climate you've probably got a better chance anyway.

Skyline - I do need to do more activites with him. When I am not working I generally dont go out - mixture of not wanting to and being the only chance I have to do a bit of housework (he enjoys helping me clean up so I dont feel too bad abut this bit!) I know though that I should do more, but sometimes when all week I have been a 'yes man' and trying to please others I just want to slob out and not have to do my hair or put my face on. I guess I could make it more fun for DS though.....

Vinegar - I am building up the courage to ask as they granted someone else 4 days a week a while ago (she decided not to come back in the end). They are not very child friendly and at one point I was posting alot in the Employment topic when I was on mat leave. To cut a long story short I have been messed about something rotten by them but they are very careful in how they do it. To be honest I hate the place and now they are relocating me to a office nearly 40 miles away (my trip to work is currently only 10 miles) so am thinking to just cut my losses and have rid of the shithole (erm sorry for the rant )

sorry pressed send before I finished.

Snaped I will take your advice, lovely post

if you are going to cut your losses anyway, then you have nothing to lose by going PT now, and in the mean time it will give you the breathing space to look else where, and prepare a cv and attend interviews etc

i would get your application for PT in this week, dont be frightened of them, as Lark says, they are legally obliged to consider it and have to have a very very good excuse to say no

r.e your toddler, he will pick up on any stress/anxiety you are feeling, which may explain his behaviour

happy mum makes happy toddler (hopefully)

I'm ready to give away my 18 month old today!

I have 2 older children. It does pass.

Take care x

My ds is also 18mths and I work pt (3 days a wk), he goes to nursery the 3 days I work and on those days he is always much more difficult in the am/pm - even though he really loves nursery and is very happy there he doesn't like rushing in the morning and then is tired and hungry when he comes home. I've basically given up trying to "do" anything when we get home - it's just a bit of tea as soon as we get in the door, reading books or something quite for 20mins or so, bathtime and bed. He's usually in bed within an hour of getting home. On the days I don't work he is usually lovely - well other than usual toddler behaviour and only gets cranky/difficult if he's tired/hungry. When he's at home he has a 2hr nap but when he's at nursery it's usually only an hour or so so I think that contributes to the crankiness in the evenings on those days. Does your ds get much of a nap when he is with your family?

Also I do think they can sense when you are stressed/busy/in a rush etc and play up more so as to get the attention. When you're at home with him do you focus all your attention on him quite a lot(e.g. reading to him, playing with his toys with him etc) or are you trying to do all the chores etc and just shouting at him when he tries to break something/pull something over? For example if I'm trying to do something on the laptop then ds will realise my attention is not focused on him so will immediately do something he knows he's not allowed to do. Whereas if he's sat on my lap reading a book or something he is much better behaved/happier. Not criticising at all just trying to identify how the situation can be improved.

I found "Toddler Taming" quite a helpful book in explaining why toddlers behave the way they do and techniques to help deal with it/improve behaviour.

Definitely try for pt work if you can

thanks again everyone.

Vinegartits I have been playing with the idea of asking, nowt to lose and all that but I do think they will worm their way out of it somehow, esp. now they are mving me to anoher office. They will argue that someone has to be there full time (its at a clients site) but I might ask anyway.

Lindsell I do try to do a good mix of spending time with him and doing the housework but he just seems to want the focus on him all the time, which I am starting to realise that it is probably normal! Think I also need to be a bit tougher on the family as I do wonder if they let him do what he wants for an easy life!