Rejection of daddy

[michelle2706]

My 4yr old hardly ever allows his dad to do anything for him like brush his teeth if ds doesn't want to do it himself that day.

Whenever I'm in the room he will bypass his dad (who's often nearest) to get me to do something whether it be changing the tv channel, shutting his bedroom door at night (he hates his dad to shut the door) opening something or getting him a drink. On the odd occasion he won't hug and kiss him.

I can see it's starting to hurt my husband and I tried to talk to ds this morning, but he says he only likes husband a little bit but he couldn't tell me the reason why.

I was so shocked and upset I tried to get him to understand how it would feel if i refused his hugs and kisses and wouldn't allow him to do anything for me he said he would go to his room and cry and I said that's what daddy wants to do. I don't know if I got through, but I think he thought about what I had said.

I've always been the one to care more for ds as in doing things, he is very independent mostly so not sure where this is all coming from.

Husband is being pushed away and I can't stop it...

He is very much loved and we tell him we love him every day and are proud of him whenever he does something new or just little every day things, he is not neglected in any way, emotionally, materially etc.

Perhaps too much love from me, maybe I need to stand back and force the two of them to be together more??

Any thoughts or suggestions to improve relations?

Michelle,

I saw your post and thought it was the reverse of my brother, his "partner" and his son.

His 3 year old mainly wants his Daddy when he is unhappy and hurtfully pushes his mother aside. I have to say that, in their case, I think that my brother takes a certain pride in being the "chosen" one and at least tolerates, if not encourages the behaviour. Do you feel that you do that at all?

I think your attempt at getting your son to empathise with his father is great but is he at the right age to really understand? Isn't it easier to just tell him that he needs to ask his father to do something or he won't get it done at all? Eventually he will just get into the habit of it and the relationship will improve from there.

I think favouring one parent is a form of attention seeking and is best ignored and dealt with practically, rather than engaged with on an emotional level.

We only have a 16 month old but, if we are both in the room but one is, say, reading, that one ignores him and makes it clear that the other parent is now available for cuddles/play. No idea whether it will work long term. Will let you know in about 4-5 years...

I don't take pride in being the 'chosen' one atall and I don't encourage it either, I'd be devastated if it was the reverse and I know that my husband would do what I'm trying to do at the moment and that is try to show him that his daddy loves him lots and lots and that if he was lost at night he would search through the night to find him...

I tried to tell him it doesn't matter who does what for him, we both love him as much as the other does...I hope it's just a phase!

He often gets so upset if I refuse to for example, shut his door at night, that I do it, sometimes I make husband do it, but it breaks my heart to see him get distraught for what appears no apparent reason

:(

appreciate your thoughts and will think about what's been said, we don't plan to have any more children, we can't quite simply, and he's lonely too...

The less fuss you make, the better imo.

DS was like this, always wanted me rather than DH. We did not force him to go to DH but have found over the past couple of years he has started to move more towards DH. He is now 6yo. I am sure I read something about this being normal - that at around age 4/5 many boys get less reliant on their mothers and look for a male role model.

Is there anything that your DS really enjoys doing that your DH could take him to, alone?

DS loves cars so DH takes him to car shows or rallys. He even took him away for a weekend this spring to the Mille Miglia, a veteran car race in Italy. They are so much closer now than they used to be.

My Ds responds well to "look, Daddy's sad, he needs a cuddle/kiss as well" and he's only 2.10 so it could work - he will happily bypass Daddy most of the time but he has no problems with Daddy and they do a lot of game-playing together. I am his primary carer though and I think it does make a difference - so he comes to me first and sometimes has to be encouraged to go and sit with Daddy, as above if he refuses.

Ds also does this. So Dh does other stuff with him that I don't so much (football, cycling etc.) So they have other things to bond over and have a happy relationship even though he still shouts if dh tries to kiss him bye or good night. But if he wakes in the middle of the night, he wants dh and pushes me away.
Don't make it into a struggle - just find different things that your ds will like to do with his dad.

ladyintheRadiator - Really I wasn't offended..I knew exactly where you are coming from...it was a good point as I could easily be chuffed that he chooses me over his dad, but it's not the case.

I feel like crying over it I just don't get it..

He has started school this year actually, so that might have something to do with it??

My job allows me to be more flexible so if he needs to be looked after at holidays or if mum isn't available/no childcare, or, to be taken somewhere like the docs I do it as husband simply can't.

I will get them to start doing more things together though, definitely starting tonight.

I really really do appreciate your posts, it's made me feel a little better knowing that it could possibly be a phase and he isn't the only child to do what he's doing..I still feel uncomfortable and upset but I think I know where to start resolving it...

:)

thanks girls!