DD (5) can't bear being told what to do

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5 yr old DD often (but not always) won't be told what to do. When I start saying "Time to ..." or "You need to....." she covers her ears, screams "I know, I know, don't tell me" and start a tantrum.

I don't know when this is going to happen. For example this morning she was playing and I said "Time for breakfast" and she came no problem. After breakfast she headed back to her game but it was time to brush teeth and when I told her she went wild. (Clawing at my clothes!)

She is quite independent but I can't avoid reminding her what needs to be done because she is still too young to consistently remember.

Any ideas?

I have tried talking to her at calm moments about how until she remembers by herself I have to remind her and is there a way I can do this without it making her cross..... but even talking about it makes her angry!

I would try to reduce what you tell her to a minimum (think really hard about what things are really necessary - I agree, teeth-brushing is really necessary!). Could you get her more involved in setting herself reminders? My dd really likes it if we agree that she will do something when the timer bell on the cooker goes off. I ask her if she wants to do it in 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes... we set the timer together and then (if I don't use the trick too often) she finds it quite exciting to go and do whatever when the bell goes off.
Would it be possible to find a day, maybe a Sunday, when you really don't remind her of anything... tell her beforehand that you realise she can remember the things herself and today is "her day" to do all the remembering. You could sit down and plan it together: what are all the things which she wants to remember. You could even make a written list (even though she can't read, my daughter (nearly 5) is very impressed by the grown-up-ness of written lists). You could brainstorm together about the things to remember and then (How to listen - style) cross off any that you both agree are not really necessary and put on all the ones that one or both of you think should really be there. Then I'd just let the day go as it is - and not nag her if she doesn't stick to it. A day without teethbrushing won't be the end of the world.

stop telling her what to do?

ok, not totally realistic, but perhaps you could use some visual aids to remind her what needs doing in the morning?
so, a big sheet of paper and a picture of having breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed etc etc
if you laminate it she could use a marker to tick when she has done each thing and then it can be wiped off for the next day.

OR, ask HER what needs to be done. "what do you want for breakfast?" when she gives her answer then just say "ok, you sit up and i'll bring it over" or whatever.
then "right, what do we need to do next?" and see if she can tell you

I don't think it's so unrealistic to think of a Sunday morning where I don't tell my dd that she needs to have breakfast (she sees us eating yummy things and comes and joins us), don't tell her that she needs to brush her teeth (but again, me and dh are brushing our teeth), don't tell her that she needs to get dressed (only on a day when it really doesn't matter - not if we HAVE to go somewhere). Sometimes it just helps to give kids some breathing space if they have quite busy lives rushing to get to school etc..

Thanks for your suggestions. This only occurs four days a week when we have to be out of the house at a certain time.

We already don't tell her what has to be done on Wednesdays (no school here), Saturdays and Sundays. On these days they have to be dressed for lunchtime so she usually gets dressed and brushes her teeth just beforehand!

I really think we have reminding her what to do down to a minimum already and that it's because she's torn between being grown up and being a baby.

We have a poster on the wall of what needs to be done on school mornings (and at what time, although this is for DS). she can read and anyway it is illustrated.

Thisisyesterday will try 'what needs to be done now?'

I can't try the 'how to talk' thing because she gets furious every time I try to broach the subject.

shineon this is the first time she has clawed me. She usually just gets cross and makes a lot of noise or sometimes tries to hit. We don't use punishments so we just say 'stop it, that hurts' and later on have a chat about using words rather than physical violence.

(I don't really want to get into a discussion about whether or not to punish, DS no longer hits when cross and we didn't ever have to punish him so I have faith she'll get there)