Should a 3yo be disciplined for tantrumming when hungry/thirsty?

[TheLemur]

DS 3.1 is generally pretty easy going but if he's tired along with one of these other things:

1. hungry
2. thirsty
3. trying to hold a wee in then he has very big tantrums involving hitting me. If I can work out what is wrong and give him food/drink/toilet he returns to being normal immediately.

Often these tantrums happen after nursery so not much I can do to prevent them except
get stuff into him as soon as he comes out. Sometimes I misjudge things though (especially as when he is tired he will say he's not hungry when he really is ) so we have meltdowns at home before bath/bedtime

DH is of the opinion that when DS starts tantrumming like this, we should employ time out. I am of the opinion that he needs to be given food/drink and putting him in time out will only make things worse as it won't fix that physiological 'need' that's making him tantrum (plus I want to get him into bed ASAP not spend half an hour trying to get him to sit quietly for 3 mins which is unlikley to happen due to the hunger/thirst)

What do you think? Should he be disciplined in this situation? Am I storing up problems for the future by not disciplining him?

(popping out to get him now but back later)

(Obviously I tell him off for hitting in a stern voice, he knows it is wrong)

I think your apporach is correct. £ year olds won't take anythin if their mind is elsewhere and if they are hungry / tired etc then it will be!

Concentrate in fixing what is wrong and your behaviour problem is solved.

I am inclined to think you are right. He can sit quietly with a drink/food, and you can talk to him.

As he is 3, it would be perfectly easy to say something like:

"I know you are upset because you are hungry and thirsty, but it is not nice to shout/scream, please sit down quietly and have your snack,and next time use your words to ask".

Cruel to put him in time out under these circumstances IMO.

Thank you for your replies and opinions, I am glad to hear other people think I am on the right lines. DH is rather 'hands off' so does not have to deal with these bedtime tantrums himself

I know that it's not what everyone would do, but DS (4 yo) sometimes gets upset when coming out of school so I show up at the gate with a drink and a snack, and if he still gets upset I always ask him if he wants a cuddle. He usually sais yes. He doesn't have tantrums generally but if he does, I always ask him if he thinks a cuddle would make him feel better and he says yes and I really take time to give him a nice cuddle. It really doesn't happen often, maybe once every two-three weeks.

Obviously, not all parents think that's the right way of handling tantrums as most people would insist on either ignoring or punishing or time out. It all depends on your kid and his/her personality.

I agree with what everyone else has said here. I think personally that showing that I don't find behaviour acceptable, using techniques designed to make an impression, is ok with an adult who has a real choice. I have no problem with acting it up to make really clear to a lawyer at work that I would like them to stop playing games (timeout sometimes seems like quite a good tactic! :) ). But with a kid who just feels bad and doesn't know why, I just don't see the point. I think it's like trying to use a hammer to peel a potato. Hear hear to BlueberryPancake with the hugs. I've had real struggles with after-nursery tantrums and I think the only answer is food, drink and patience. I just have to let it all flow over me! :o) And have lots of hugs.

My ds was (and still is at 6.5yo) like this. His mood swings are linked so closely with what he eats/drinks. I can now time it to almost the minute when he has run out of 'fuel'. When I see it approaching - a quick rich tea or glass of milk will turn him from Jekyl to Hide!

He is very tall and skinny and I think he doesn't have 'reserves' to keep him going - so I just keep him topped up all day and avert any tantrums. But dh doesn't have the experience of having him all day and if he takes him to rugby - he gives me a look when I tell him to take a biscuit or apple to see him ok at the end of the game.

Jekyl and Hide is exactly right!! Glad to know I'm not alone with this

God no, just feed him, then explain no hitting etc, calmly

I think as others have said you need to get in the habit of always having a drink and a biscuit ready for him after nursery (this is VITAL for my DD if melt downs are to be avoided - somehow the sugar boost of ribena and a jaffa cake works wonders and cuts the likelihood of a tantrum hugely).

DD1 has always thrown terrible hitting kicking screaming tantrums from about 18 months. Agree with Blueberry pancake that often the best thing is just to pull them into your lap and cuddle - often you will then feel the tension ebb and the tantrum will turn to sobbing and cuddling. But sometimes the best thing for all of us is time out - but absolutely the worst possible thing is to make that time out into a 'punishment' (e.g. 3 mins on naughty step or standing in corridor, both of which I foolishly tried) - she'll just kick and scream more and more up to a crazy level of hysteria. What works for us if the tantrum has gone beyond any form of rational control or distraction is simply to pick her up (kicking and screaming) and lie her on her bed with her comfort blanket and teddy, give her head a quick stroke and tell her that I love her and that I will come back when she's feeling a little better, then leave the room. I can't deal with the tantrums and am likely to have one myself if she keeps on at it so I need the time out too. On her bed with her teddy etc she soon screams it all out and calms down and after 5 - 10 mins I can usually go back in, give her a hug and carry on as normal.

I have started to tell off dd (2.9) fir the endless crying, tantruming and whinging when she is tired/hungry/wants something. She's well able to tell me what she wants and then she'll probably get it, as opposed to defaulting to crying and kicking, in which case she might not get it. I'm trying to get her to speak rather than cry.

I'm with Nelly and Blueberry - give him a sensible snack on the way home - piece of cheese and a digestive. Blood sugar is a bugger when it's low, and younger children don't know what it is - it doesn't feel like hunger to them, they just feel weird and angry.
I think time out under these circs is wrong, if it is hunger.

Deal with the underlying cause of the tantrum - either with food, drink, cuddles, time alone for both of you, explanations. If the tantrums are simply due to being stubborn or obstinate then discipline.

I agree with others here though, 9 times out of 10 after a long day at daycare my DD's tantrums are due to hunger/thirst/tiredness so I head them off by meeting her at daycare with snacks. 9 times out of 10 she doesn't tantrum once her basic needs are being met.

If my DS (4) hit me, I would employ time out.

He wouldn't starve in the four minutes or so that he was there.

It may make things harder for a few mins, but in the long run, it prevents similar behaviour.

As children grow, they have to learn that being cranky/hungry/thirsty is not an excuse to take it out on other people.

With whinging, I would just ignore, unless it was for a genuine problem (e.g. if he's hungry, he can ask me nicely, so crying not acceptable, but if he feels sad, it may be harder for him to deal with verbally, so crying would obviously not be ignored then!).

Surprising how quickly he cops on!

I would never let my children actually go without food, but I still enforce manners and strongly discourage violence!