I just don't know what to do with him....

[neverright]

Hi,

I really need to vent but will try to make sense at the same time. DS is 3.3yrs and has what feels like a long history of lashing out at other children often kicking or hitting. We have had a couple weeks where things had calmed down at lot ie he could be around other children for a few hours without any issue.

He has started back at preschool and for 3 weeks its been fine until this week when he has started again. His key worker is starting a reward chart there for him. I spoke to her today to try to establish if she thinks it is a real behavioural issue or 'Phase', she is going with phase but made it clear there are some other workers there who don't agree and in the space of time of talking to her he had hit some one.

We've tried everything, praise, punishment, time out, removal of toys, talking, shouting....nothing works.He has a very strong will and is equally very loving, funny, and bright. I desperately want an answer but know no-one can offer one so any advice or thoughts would be gratefully accepted.

Thanks for reading

I think it sounds good that his keyworker is going with "phase" - fwiw I think it's not helpful for preschool teachers to start labelling a child as destined to be like this forever.
Is there anything you can learn about what was happening (or not happening) in the calm weeks? When things are better, is it anything to do with anything physical (he's eating more regularly, sleeping better, getting more physical exercise, boisterous play or whatever)?
I know this is second-hand, but a friend's child was like this at my dc's nursery. I know it was a trying time for the teachers and for his mum, but, I really honestly believe that it was a phase (maybe a bit of him being male???). The worst thing was other adults judging him and his mum. These things happen. The child is not a problem. I think you're absolutely right to focus on the fact that your child is strong-willed, loving, funny and bright. I know it was not easy for my friend, but I would say, ignore anyone who's judgemental and look after yourself (and your child) while you're working through this one.
Sorry, this is not very concrete and it wasn't my own kid, but I just wanted to say I read what you wrote and can understand what you're saying!

... and I'd recommend "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (Faber and Mazlish), "Unconditional parenting" by Alfie Kohn and "Your competent child" by Jesper Juul.

hey, i really sympathise with you. I have a DD that's 5 now, but between the ages of 3 and 4 she was a real terror sometimes, hitting, biting, kicking, screaming and then all sweetness and light the other half of the time. you say you've tried everything but have you been brutally consistent with whatever discipline you decide on because you also seem resigned to the fact he has a really strong will, kids often do when they really see you as a soft touch. I would often get frustrated and give up but one day i decided to stop giving her mixed signals, i stuck with the time out routine, it took us 2hrs the first time but i stuck with it and for the first time she realised that it was unacceptable to hit, kick etc. It ended there and then. To this day i am rigid with discipline and consistent with her and we are good.I hope this helps, most kids go through this so you are not alone and by the way you and your DH should be on the same page so your DS sees that it's a united front.

Thank you for your replies.

Simic describing how your friend felt is pretty much spot on I think half of my issues are worring what other people will think especially those who don't see how adorable he is the rest of the time. I've racked my brain today thinking what has changed the only think I can think of (grasping at straws desperately here) is that I've changed his breakfast cereal. They have said his behaviour is worse in the morning. Interestingly someone on another thread has mentioned about wheat and angry outbursts. Maybe worth changing back just to see. Thank you for your book suggestions I'll get ordering.

Tafi you may have hit on something there I'm not consistent enough with punishments I think I'm always looking for that miracle cure and if it doesn't work after a few days I'm on to the next. I'd say I'm firm but not consistent. The only one I've stuck at is time out which doesn't seem to bother him. Dh and I do try to to ensure we back each other up and ds now know this

Thank you both so much