5 year old still cries when I drop her off at school

[Petal545]

My 5 year old daughter still cries (alot!) when I drop her off at school. The first few weeks back after a long summer holiday is perhaps understandable, re-adjusting into a new clss but it is continuing and I am now getting really embarrassed as well as upset at how much she cries!

Her school is a really good school and I do ask her what is upsetting her. She does tell me that she has friends, she enjoys the lessons, no has shouted at her, she has not done anything to earn a telling off etc, so all seems well but she still cries. The teacher even asked her teachers if she is struggling and all seems well.

I have had other parents come to me and ask why she is still crying at this stage. No one else cries. She has been in the same school sicnce she started pre-school and with the same friends etc so I cannot see that as a disruption.

We have a good family life, allbeit she is an only child and I am aware of not "mollycuddling" her

PLEASE PLEASE can someone help me to sort out her crying. I am really getting despondent now!

Thanks

I really feel for you my son (5) is still very shy going into school. He, like your daughter has been at the same school, this is his 3rd year. He doesn't cry now but did get upset for the first week and a half. I don't have any answers for you, I just thought I'd let you know you're not alone. We just have children who love us very much and don't like the separation. :)

My DD did this - and in fact she's 11 now and spent yesterday evening howling at the thought of going to a local art class (even though she loves art ). She admits freely to being a homebird, who just doesn't like new situations. I'd just give your DD time - don't force the issue, don't react (hard for me to say!), just calmly say goodbye and that you will see her later, and have a chat with her at home telling her that she's a big girl now, and that there is no need for her to cry as she'll have a lovely time at school with her friends and you'll be there at the end of the day to collect her. Maybe a star chart for not crying might work?

Of course, I also speak as someone who cried so much when I started school 35 years ago that the Head had to contact my mother and break it gently to her that I wouln't be allowed to continue with school lunches as I was setting off the other children with my crying!

DS is one of life's more clingy/crying children. Hes been better recently but you have my sympathies.

It sounds horrible to say but as well as finding it heartrenching, it makes me feel impatient and embarrassed too. I just don't understand why he can't be like all the other 'happy' children. Hes from a happy loving home, we don't beat him, we read him stories, we give him 5 a day and get him to bed on time, so why is he so clingy? (Obviously I don't say any of this to him!)

BUT with the clinginess also comes a lot of love and a really caring side. Out of his group of friends, he is definately the best mannered and the most considerate. So I'm hoping he grows out of the clinginess (which is gradually getting better) and keeps hold of the caring nature.

Mine was the same...your DD has just begun proper school and it's a big adjustment...my own DD was just as bad starting class one as she was when she began nursery! It settled down after a month...dont be embarrased, who cares what others think? When people said anthing to me I just used to say "Oh well it's a compiment to my parenting isn't it?"

Try to arrive at a different time...earlier or later...just before the bell maybe?

My DS started clinging to me when we went back for the start of year 1 when the last time he had clung before was in nursery. He is 5 also and I really didn't know what to do, it got to the stage where after they had dragged him off me I was walking out in tears (trying not to let DS see them) feeling terrible.

The school have been brilliant he was fine once I had gone and enjoys his time there but we did have to try a few ways first.

The way that worked for us was a friend took him in every morning for a week and I collected him at the end of each day. Every morning I gave him a hug and kiss and sent him off reminding him I would be there at home time he had a few wobbles but the friend was firm but kind as I shut the door. At the end of the week he got a treat for being a big boy and going in well then the next week I took him in 1st day fine then we had wobbles again 2nd day so the 3rd day we arranged for him to meet a friend at the gate and walk in with them that was the turning point.

This week we have had a brilliant week he even got a certifictae from school today for 'managing to come into school with a smile and confidence' . Fingers crossed for next week.

The other idea the school suggested was to bring DS straight into the classroom before the other children go in and he could help with little jobs prior to school. Luckily we didnt need to try that route but it may help your daughter.

Please don't worry it will get better its a big change from reception into year 1 - hope the above helps a bit and don't let other people get to you the wobbles can happen at any age

Thank you to everyone who have replied to me. My daughter has been a bit better but there are weepy moments. I find the best thing is to chat to her at the end of each school day, so as to get an update of how her day went and she will tell me who was naughty etc.

I am finding it useful to just get her there just before they go into the class room and then make a quick exit. She seems to be worse when we hang around, so I try not to get her there too early!

It is still very hard to see your little one cry though.

Thanks to you all for your messages.

Petal545

Hey everyone, your words have reassured me with my little one crying at school still. How are all of yours two years later?!!

youngminds.org
really helpful with dd school refusal/anxiety

thanks JuliaScurr, will take a look x

I would continue with the hugs and reassurance without worrying about mollycoddling her. You can't make a child insecure or over anxious by giving them too much attention so you haven't done anything wrong in the slightest.

I don't think I would start rewarding her for not crying. She's expressing her feelings to you and she shouldn't be taught not to do that. What she needs is to feel better about being there rather than to be taught to pretend she's feeling ok. I've come across a few teachers who try to make children show a brave face and I've seen the damage it has done first hand too.

It might help if you talk her through what you do while she is at school each day. You could also give her a little token to keep in her pocket to remind her that you are still loving her and will be there to pick her up at the end of the day.

What suggestions has the teacher come up with to help her during this difficult bit of the day? Could they give her a special job to help change her focus? This worked well for my DD a couple of terms ago when she was struggling with that morning transition.

Another good strategy, rather than asking her what is wrong, is to ask her to design her perfect school. She could describe it verbally, draw it. make it from a shoe-box or perhaps just set it up with her dolls as pupils. What she creates might give you a clue as to something she finds hard in school.

Keep telling her how proud you are of her every morning when she's trying to be brave and don't let anyone tell you it is your fault. It most definitely isn't.

Timandra Thanks for your lovely post, I really needed to read that, I feel a bit reassured now. My DD is a sensitive child and out of the blue started crying as she gets to school. She's just started Y1. Will try your tips and see how she gets on :)