How can I help my 4yo DS manage his emotions?

[cathbath]

I really need help with my DS... he has just turned 4 and his behaviour (and our relationship) is really degenerating.

DS often gets giddy/silly and throws himself around or loses control. Sometimes he wakes up in that mood and we have a horrible day - but most often it's a response to us asking him to do something (such as get dressed, brush teeth etc - all the everyday things that easily become a battleground). When I try to talk to him or get him to calm down he just talks over me - repeating gibberish over what I am saying. If DH or I try to put him in a time-out to calm down, he hits.

The hitting has got worse recently. He is not malicious or deliberately destructive - but he lashes out when he is frustrated or angry. He is big for his age, and when he is in his 'silly mood' (as he calls it), he is capable of doing dangerous things such as banging the stairgate into me when I am climbing the stairs carrying my 19mo.

We moved house over the summer, and DS has started at a new preschool. Although he missed his old friends at first, he seems to have settled in well and enjoys it there. However, he has had some sessions recently where he has been rude, refused to do what they ask, and has actually hit his teachers when they tried to put him in a time-out. DS did have some problems at his previous nursery, but he has never hit a teacher before... I am devastated.

I am going in tomorrow to talk to the teachers about it. They want to try and find a consistent approach to work towards at preschool and at home. They seem so caring and lovely, but I am feeling completely worn down with things at the moment and not sure what to do any more.

We've tried time-outs, reward charts, taking away toys... nothing really gets through to him when he is in that mood. I am a SAHM and don't get much of a break from this, so do get very wound up at times (though I know shouting is totally counter-productive). Mainly our approach has been to physically remove him from the situation, take him to his room etc, and this is when the hitting usually occurs.

I have recently read 'How To Talk...' and also Alfie Kohn's 'Unconditional Parenting'... which made me reconsider the approach I was taking. But I'm unsure as to how to apply it to our situation... any advice or moral support would be so much appreciated.

Hi Cathbath,

Just checking in to see how things are going? Hopefully you've had a good couple of weeks.

We've been to see the doctor about a possible wheat intolerance and he has referred us to a dietitian at the local hospital.

I can now tell pretty quickly when ds has eaten wheat accidentally. He is so much calmer don't get me wrong he still has his moments like today he lost the plot with one of his friends over a sharing issue but is not uncontrollable anger like before.

Did you manage to get hold of any useful books?

One day we'll look back and laugh...ok maybe not laugh but breathe a huge sigh of relief its over...I hope

This thread has been remarkable. I actually thought I was reading about my own son. My DH and I have just had a very constructive discussion about how we are going to tackle things. You are definitely not alone.

My DS has hit me quite a few times. I have no advice to give you as we are still trying to work out what to do.

Hi neverright and llaraggub - sorry, just saw your messages. We are making really good progress with DS's behaviour. This thread has helped so much to get us on the right path, and realising I am not alone.

We had a couple of a bad patches again which co-incided with times of stress or change (eg half term week, when my mum came to stay). DS was AWFUL for the whole week but I managed to keep calm the whole time (on the surface at least). I think because of this, his behaviour never descended to the point where he hit me.

There has been an amazing turnaround since then. DS has been affectionate, polite, and calm for extended periods, only getting marginally carried away at times. He is like a different child! He has been really good with DD too (no longer banging into her or pushing her over). He seems to have settled into pre-school now and loves going there.

I'm finding it so much easier to give DS one-on-one attention now, as I actually want to spend time with him. Also he is suddenly into quite grown-up things such as games and puzzles that we can both enjoy together (such as Angry Birds!), and is learning to entertain himself a bit more too.

I'm not sure what has changed - we never got round to cutting out wheat. He can still be contrary at times (such as with getting dressed), but I have been able to deal with things calmly and also set limits if he gets too silly. It feels like at the moment he wants to please me more than challenge me.

I hope it lasts!!!

I am reading a brilliant book called 'The Good Behaviour Book' by William and Martha Sears. It is from an attachment parenting perspective and makes the point that discipline (in a loving way) is essential for a child's development. I think I may have been too permissive in the past with DS, as I was not confident about setting limits (and he was just so difficult to deal with!). However this book has given me some great practical ideas.

Hi Cathbath. That makes for great reading. I'm so glad that things are getting better. I did have a giggle at Angry Birds Ds loves that too. Hey if nothing else we'll blame that.

I will definitely look at the book you suggested and offering choice sounds like something that might work with ds Leningrad, thank you

We had two little friends to play today and there was no fighting Yeahhhhh, lots of cheek but no fighting. Hey can't have it all I guess.

LeninGrad, I have been finding distraction, choices and ignoring really works too. I wish I'd known about these things much earlier! The book I mentioned is full of advice about how to avoid the bad behaviour escalating or happening in the first place, which is the basis of good discipline.

I too find that the normal behavioural management techniques such as time-outs don't work at all with my DS. However, I have become more confident about setting limits for important stuff such as safety and basic obedience. For example when DS is scooting to nursery, he knows that if he doesn't do what I say I will take his scooter away (and he knows I mean it, so rarely messes about now). We're getting there one bit at a time!

neverright, Angry Birds is great - except DS is better at it than me now! I'm glad things are improving for you too.

I've just read all of this thread with great interest and am pleased that you've turned the corner cathbed. You were describing elements of my relationship with my 5yo ds. He is developmentally younger than his reception peers and his sometimes testing behaviour has deteriorated since starting full time school in Sep.
He does hit and wind his older sister up on occasion at home but sadly it's a regular occurrence at school and I feel sad and at a loss as to what's the best way of managing him.
School are being really good and we have some new strategies but I dread picking him up most days as his teacher tells me about the latest incident.
He is a lovely, kind, gentle and cheeky chap and the school are seeing little or no eveidence of this and it is chinking away at me heart. I just want to be able to help him have the tools to be able to cope with school.
Any advice or moral support gratefully received!

Hi Munchkins just wanted to say hi. Not a great deal of advice to offer but moral support definitely. Ds is only 3 but I can absolutely sympathise with the stomach churning feeling that I used to get when picking him up from pre-school. As you may of read I managed to dramatically reduce the aggression by cutting wheat of his diet but he also doesn't show his lovely caring nature outside of the home very often. Very strange. I'm sure half the people we come into contact with think I have a demon child.

Hopefully others will come on soon to offer some advice. I'll read with interest

Hi MunchkinsMumof2, it's good to give each other moral support. I know exactly what you mean about it eating away at your heart - and that awful feeling of dread when picking DS up from pre-school.

My DS has been a lot better recently, but I'm noticing his worst behaviour seems to be when we are getting ready to go out, or leave somewhere. We stayed with some friends this weekend and he was mostly great. Then this morning, just as we were getting ready to leave he just lost it. He was chasing round the house, wriggling on the floor and shouting. All because I wanted him to put his shoes and coat on. We visited some more friends on the way home, and the same thing happened as we were leaving. It was embarrassing, as there were two toddlers there who were much better behaved!

Anyway, I am realising that his worst behaviour is always at transition times. Not sure if I can find any strategies to cope with this, but it's good to work out the triggers.

LeninGrad, I too really wish DS could tell me what he is going through, so I could help!

Hi Cathbath

just read your post tonight and seen all the comments, it strikes a cord with me as am having the same battles with my son. He is nearly 4 and in nursery. His probs got worse when he went to nursery from childminder and its been endless problems for him.

I am a single mum and work full time also, and wish i had more time for him, my stress levels like yours are up over the roof and i find myself tryng to stop myself from shouting constantly. I know it isnt good for him or for me, and thats prob where the problems are made worse.

I know when i am calm, he is a lot better, when I am happy he is. Its tough, and i know how hard it is, but sounds like you need a break, or at least some time out to do something for yourself, to make you feel like 'you' again!

Hi caromide, I've just seen your post. It must be incredibly hard doing this on your own and working full time as well.

I think the hardest thing for me too is dealing with my stress levels. Mine and DS's moods are so interlinked, and if I am stressed it makes everything so much worse. Although DS has become a lot more settled recently, I still have a lot of internalised stress and anxiety. (This is related to lots of things - not just DS's behaviour.) I've realised I have to get this sorted, as I was really don't feel like 'me' any more and it is really affecting everything.

I am getting some help for my anxiety now (cognitive behavioural therapy) and feel like I am doing something really positive for myself. I am also reading an amazing book about mindfulness called 'Full Catastrophe Living' by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and that is helping me in all areas of my life. Hopefully I can learn to be a calmer person and enjoy my DCs more.

I hope your DS settles down soon - turning 4 seems to be a difficult time for boys from everything I've read.