Advice wanted for dealing with toddlers & a death in the family

[JH2006]

Hi there

My baby nephew died suddenly and unexpectedly a week ago and its left us all in shock.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and am finding it very difficult to balance grief & parenting.

My 1 year old is obviously too young to understand what's going on, but my 3 year old is a sharp cookie and is clearly affected by everything going on. I've spent lots of time with her explaining how her little cousin is now in Heaven and how happy he is and how we must think about all the lovely times we had with him etc, but she's still that little bit too young to completely get it. I've had some lovely questions like, "Will God make him better with a wand"; "Is God bigger then Daddy" and "will (my cousin) see me when I'm naughty & tell God?" but she's confused, especially by the fact her cousin died last week and we have a funeral (which she's not going to) this week.

The other thing is that with all this emotion flying around the house, she's suddenly started being quite naughty & I just don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I've no energy to address it properly & have found myself being much more shouty then I've ever been before, which she doesn't really deserve & is probably only making things worse. I feel like I don't know how to deal with her, yet I know her behaviour is all linked into what's going on so it needs careful handling but I just can't think clearly at the moment.

I'd therefore be so grateful for any suggestions or experiences anymore might have.

Many thanks

I wonder if her behaviour is because she is confused by what you are saying compared to how the family are acting sad around her.
You are giving her mixed messages,that he will be happy in heaven but being sad also.
It would be better if you were honest with her. She knows everyone is sad,children can work out situations but you are trying to protect her by not crying and being emotionally clear to her.

Im really sorry for the loss of your nephew and hope not to have upset you with my comments,just trying to see it from your childs view.

That's a good point. Thank you. I'd forgotten to think it through like that. Its tough to know what to do when you're in the moment & I think the natural instinct is to protect & not to make your child feel the saddness you feel, but I can see that may not always be helpful. Thanks again.

Im so sorry for your loss
I found getting a book out of the library which explains death very useful for my 3yr old. You should find them in the parents section in the childrens library. Otherwise, I asked a Health Visitor at the local childrens centre for advice and she loaned me some books that she had explaining death for children.

My DD did come to the funeral and she was fine. Children are very accepting of situations.

I do understand where you are coming from on the shouty front though - grief gives you a very short fuse. I can't give you advice on that one I'm afraid - as I'm too guilty myself of that one. I suppose that time is making that get slightly better.
Hopefully someone else can give you some more advice!!

P.S Yes, this is still me, I just realised how old my nickname was so changed it!