Help needed please - I need to learn to be a good mummy!

[suffolkmummy]

Hi
I have name changed as I am rather embarrassed to have to post this but really need some help /advice. I think it is my actions / bad mothering that is causing the problems and I feel awful and really need to know how to change the situation.

I have a 21 month old son who I am almost the sole carer for. My dh works away a lot ? often a week, sometimes (a few times a year) as long as 3 weeks. My parents live abroad (my father is very sick so they cannot travel to see us much) and my pil?s live a 3+ hours drive away and only visit when dh is here. I work 2 days a week and the rest of the time am a sahm.

This weekend my dh is home and has got up with ds both mornings. They have been harmonious and my ds has been very happy. However, as soon as he hears that I am up he has started whinging / crying for me. I cannot just pop to the loo and go back to bed as he hears me and kicks off. When I am up he is happy to play by himself for a few minutes and then demands my attention all of the time. So much so, I tend to cook dinner with him hanging off me. Some times are better than others ? occasionally I cook dinner and he happily plays in his play pen (he goes in himself) and at others I am literally dragging him around on my leg!

His nursery say that he is very calm there and were surprised when he threw himself on me to have a tantrum once when I went to collect him (it happens most days now). The (few) times that he has been with either grandmothers he has also been fine. So, it appears, it is just when he is with me.

He has also started to throw things in temper ? usually at me when I am changing his nappy - and regularly throws himself on the floor. I generally try to ignore him but think I am not handling it very well. I am so tired most of the time and often just snap. Hence I think he has picked up on some of my bad habits. I really want to learn how to be a better mother as he is such a lovely little boy (when he?s not with me whinging and whining) and so affectionate.

Does anyone have any tips of can anyone recommend any books I can read? I really want a 2nd child but can?t see how I could cope with a child like mine (at the moment...)!!!

Thanks in advance

I dont think you're a bad mother at all! I think most children behave differently for their main carer than they do for other people. Obv.he is very secure with you so can have tantrums etc. where maybe at nursery and with others he's out his comfort zone? Just a thought, but I really do think its very common. My mum used to be a cm and I clearly remember a lot of the children being as good as gold all day and then kicking of the minute their parents arrived.

Not much help I know, but I honestly think it sounds like you're doing a good job.

Oh suffolkmummy, this breaks my heart. I have a 21 month old and first of all want to reassure you that he is exhibiting the same behaviour as you say here so please don't beat yourself up. I am sure it is all natural stages of development and know how hard it is to be patient in these circumstances especially if you are so tired.

I'm really no expert and so can only say how I feel and what I do in these situations.Sometimes it is trial and error. I try to make sure I do have structure in the day and some regualar times throughout the day when my babe has my undivided attention.I try to go out each morning in the fresh air ( getting harder with the weather now but the rain mack has come out! - park or garden or just a simple walk around the block ) Then during the rest of the day we play tea partys , do painting, play with playdough etc etc.

Then sometimes if I need to get something done i.e. tidy up / clean cupboards I get him involved in some way to help me.

If he gets into a tantrum, currenly he ishitting, throwing, I try not to raise my voice (level of it) but instead change the tone I was a primary school teacher until I quick last year and always found the change in tone got 30 five year olds attention more than a shout and it seems to work with my little un.

I then ignore the bad behaviour as best as and as soon as he exhibits calmer behaviour i.e the instant, I praise, kiss, smile,.

When cooking, he knows I need to be left alone - like you he sometimes plays in his pen, or on a step at the sink.

If he whines / whinges to be picked up I don't pick him up no matter how hard it becomes ( dragging him round on my leg ) - I really try to ignore this and then as soon as he stops I praise him, get down to his level talk, smile give him a minute of my time and play with one of his toys and then get back to what I was doing.

Look, this sounds so idealistic and honestly there are some days it just doesn't work and I end up uptight but I'm only human and I know how much I love my son and how I am trying all the time to do the best for him. This is what you need to focus on it seems??

Goodness, I hope this helps and isn't just a rambling mess!

hi, you are not a bad mother at all, my ds is nearly 7 and he still behaves differently with me than he does with other family members and i think its because i am his main carer, i tend to give in more for easiness probably and he has learnt what buttons to push. i have had to try and be consistent with how i treat him, i think with your ds when you are cooking or in the kitchen or doing something which needs your whole attention he needs to know he can't have your attention and put him in his playpen even if he kicks and screams all the time, leave him to cry it out, eventually he will give in and accept it. keep a diary of when he kicks off and what happened before and why you think he has kicked off, look back at it and see if there is a pattern, has there been a change to his routine? did you deal with something differently to the time before?

also is there a Sure Start near you? some do parenting classes, you probably don't need them but you may be able to discuss some of the problems you are having. do you go to any baby and toddler groups? chatting to other parents may help also.

do you have time to yourself? it seems to me that you need to spend an hour or two on your own to be you, to recharge your batteries. could your dh look after ds on a Saturday morning now and then so you can do some retail therapy or something similar?

Thanks for thre replies. I hate to think I am a bad mother but this weekend really brought it home! I can't bear the thought of not having another child (always wanted 2 and desperately don't want ds to be an only one) but really can't see how I could manage anohter one!

Roo83 - that is what nursery told me. They were surprised to see how he reacts - although he always watches out for me and runs to me with a big kiss and cuddle - then kicks off!

julesyjones - Thanks. Not rambling at all! It's good to hear others have similar problems but mine is pretty constant! I like the odea of taling in a different tone - I will definately try that - and we always go out every day, generally whatever the weather. I know that when he has my full attention he is better behaved but he just needs to learn that he can't have it all the time! I know others have similar (ish) problems but my ds is such a rascal and so rumbustuous (sp?) that it is magnified. When he has tantrums when we are out with friends (NCT so babies similar ages) they all look surprised. My friends are all quite quiet and placid whereas I am a bit more outgoing (with a temper!) and I think it follows through in my son's character!

countydurhamlass - I feel so guilty to put him in his playpen! When my dh is home I ask him to play with ds but ds always finds his way back into the kitchen. Not sure about Sure Start. I will have a look ... Not sure I will have time for classes anyway! And no, you are right, I don't have time for myself! So far I have only been out about 3 times without ds. DH doesn't take ds out alone (no idea why - he is away so much he likes being at home I guess despite me suggesting a trip to soft play for them both would be fun for them - and me!)

Thanks again for reassuring it is not me. Some really useful tips to try.

suffolkmummy - just to offer some more reassurance. I really don't think you are a bad mum at all and your DS's behaviour doesn't sound too extreme (although it might feel that way to you sometimes!)

My DS is 2.1 and behaves in a very similar way, always has done. Can totally relate to having to sneak to the toilet - if I am meant to be having a lie-in and my DS sees me then he just cries endlessly for me, even if he was perfectly happy with DP up until then. And although he is mostly a lovely boy, when he's teething or off-colour, he throws things and hits - and it is mostly directed at me (only once or twice with DP and never with his Childminder who he has been with a year).

Not sure I have any magical solutions but yes, it sounds like you need a bit of time to yourself but, failing that, take him out and about lots, to playgroups, to the park, to the shops, anywhere. JulesyJones has some good advice here. My DS is a nightmare if we stay in the house (not been loving all this rain here!) Also, my DS is happy if he is involved - he likes to 'help' me with everything. So he stands on a chair and helps to prepare food, he likes to turn on lights, put the washing/shopping away, anything really (everything takes seven times as long though!) But - guess what - sometimes I snap at him too. It's hard when you're tired.

But, really, you don't sound like a bad mum to me! He wants to be with you all the time precisely because you're his number one favourite person, that's the way you have to see it. You're doing a great job, ease up on yourself.