how do you cope with ds1's insane resentment of new baby ds2?

[alannabanana]

ds1 is 2 in dec, ds2 is 3 months now. i thought as time went on he was supposed to get used to having a new baby around, realise the baby is here to stay and get on with it. but his resentment of him seems to be getting worse. lately he's started really going for him - hitting, scratching, pinching - and not just when im feeding him, sometimes ds2 will be happily sitting in his bouncer and get the brunt of ds1's anger. it really gets me down actually. the day is busy enough as it is and dealing with this is just extra tiring.
please tell me it will pass and i just need to get thru it...

How would you feel if yr DH came home with a new wife? He's only 2 and can't deal rationally with his anger and fear [he'll think you don't love him anymore].

His feelings are understandable but he has to understand his behaviour is not acceptable. Make it clear that violence towards the baby will not be tolerated and use the babys sleep times to have some quality time with him. Will think of some useful tips later - Libby Purves wrote about siblings in her How Not To Be A Perfect Mother and I remember it was really helpful.

Take him out with yr DH or on yr own; show and tell him you still love him.He will play with his little bro eventually, but my eldest DD was just a jealous type (although they're friends now in their 20's) !! I sympathise.

Sympathies - there are exactly 2 years between my DS3 and 6 months old DS4....

A lot of children only realise after a while that the new baby is there to stay and will only start acting out against the newcomer after some weeks or months. I have known older children to ask "When is the baby going home?" "When is the baby's mummy coming to take him away?" "Can we bring him back to hospital?"

Yes, it is a phase and is likely to pass, but equally be careful you don't set them up for a lifetime of sibling rivalry.
I found the book "Siblings without rivalry" really useful - it is quite teeth-grindingly American in some of its turns of phrase but really gets the point across that it is all important how we parents interact with our children.

Obviously your DS1 is still very young and won't be terrribly verbal yet, but the key messages still apply: he did not want the new baby, he feels threatened by his brother's appearance, he wants ALL of his mummy's attention etc etc.
I think be really careful to go out your way to give DS1 lots of one-on-one attention every day if possible.
Don't tell him off for 'attacking' DS2 beyond "We don't hit" and simply keep DS2 out of his reach - I found a playpen/travel cot really useful for being able to put a baby into a safe place (my DS1 and 2 are 1 year apart....) while doing something else.
If he happens to feel very loving towards DS2 'allow' him to kiss him, show him how to stroke his head, even allow him to 'hold' him (on your lap, say, or sitting right back on a sofa with you hoving to catch DS2 as necessary).
For when you feed DS2 have some special toys ready that only come out at feeding time.
Oh, and CBeebies is your best friend !

It will pass, but yes, it is very hard and tiresome.
HTH a bit .

thanks pacificdog, thats some really good advice. it is hard to remember to see things from ds1's perspective when you're in the eye of the storm and you're telling him for the zillionth time not to hit. i do smother him with affection when the baby is asleep, and have recently got in the habit of opening a toy chest of things he hasnt seen for a while for feeding times. really REALLY dont want any sibling rivalry issues... millibands anyone??
we're thinking of getting him in nursery for one day a week to a) keep him busy for a day, b) introduce the idea of school, and c) give me a wee break! do you think this is a good idea?

yes - it's a good idea.

my first started getting better when she made friends at pre-school and started having a bit of her own life. right now he can't get away from his brother and it's all probably a bit too-in-his-face.

i second taking him out alone too, if you can. maybe to a movie or petting zoo.

hang in there - it gets so much better.

It could be a good idea, but you must handle in very carefully.

It could be interpreted by your DS as another way of pushing him out.

If you say it is for big boys and not little babies. And is all part of him growing up and having friends, it should be good for him.

Like anna, I'd handle the idea of nursery carefully - he may not want to be a 'big boy', in fact he may want to be babied a little (my DS3 comes and lies down next to DS4 when I change his nappy on the floor).

Having said that, he could enjoy nursery immensely, so IMO certainly worth a try. Having said that, we sent DS3 to nursery when he was 2 years 5 months and stopped again after 6 weeks as he was not getting anything out of it (just stayed on someone's arm all the time, did not play with other children, only came out of his shell if the other children went to play outside).
It all depends on whether they are ready.

And, I hate to tell you, inspite of my oh so wonderful advice to you here , my DS1 and 2 aged 7 and 6 have intense moments of sibling rivalry, gah.... But equally they play really well together a lot of the time.

I used to have DS1 in his baby chair in a playpen before he could move..for his own safety! Ok he got the odd toy lobbed at him from afar but generally it was the safest option as DD1 was very jealous indeed. (She took one look at him when I brought him home, said 'yuk' and that was it. A year later when she could talk more she asked we did we have him, she wanted a dog..!)

It did pass; I was calm and matter of fact that he WAS here to stay and that it was much more fun being a big girl than a baby. Now they are very close, but I do remember how hard it was!!

ok, i guess i'll have to break out the old travel cot for a playpen then!

Think you have some great advice, just wanted to say, yes, this is very normal behaviour. We had/have it in waves from our son. Was fine to start with, then when the baby was about 8 weeks old kicked off, (he is 25 months older), got a bit better, got worse again, and generally it is still going in waves now 22 months down the line!! They are however great mates too most of the time (?!)

The "best" moment was him yelling at full pelt in the playground when I didn't come immediately to join in his game (think I was BF), "I don't want to share my Mummy, you're MY Mummy, not HER Mummy" or something similar...