How do you teach your DCs to stand up for themselves?

[ttalloo]

DS1 (3.7yrs) and DS2 (just about to turn 2) are at pre-school together, and have come home with a few stories in the last month about being hurt by other children. I tell them to find a grown-up to help them if they have a problem, but DH tells them to retaliate if someone hurts them by hurting them back

His rationale is that this teaches the boys to defend themselves, and teaches their aggressors that they will fight back, and therefore to leave them alone.

But I'm worried that they'll turn into little thugs as a result, and that they'll get confused if they have one set of rules for pre-school (thump if you're thumped) and another for home (no hitting for whatever reason).

I don't know what to do about this, because it's making it very hard for DH and me to present a unified front. What does everyone else do?

I was taugght the whole "hit back" thing...and I got in a LOT of fights all through school...my cousin who was extremely clever had no fighs...we lived in the same very rough area.

I think it is always better to use your brains rather than your brawn to avoid conflict getting physical.
Tell DH that a lot of toddlers hit and push to some degree, but once they start school the majority have learned not to fight.

You could enroll DS1 into a martial art to keep DH happy....in my eperience they are excellent for both confidence and discpline with the added bomus of seeming kinda' "manly" to husbands worried their sons will be weaklings!

If that's not appealng then keep advising DS to tell the teacher at this stage...or to avoid the kids who hit. Also have a word with the providers...the children are to small to be in battle ground really and maybe the care isn't that great?

Hi Anenome, some good advice from you as usual!

The carers at the pre-school are good - I think the arguments just come from tussling over toys, rather than because there's a generally feral atmosphere there. I haven't spoken to them specifically about this, but I do know that their policy is that hitting is not allowed, and if something like that does happen the children involved are given a chance to calm down, and then to talk about what's happened and apologise where necessary.

I'm going to look into martial arts classes locally - I think that DH will think it's a great idea, since his big fear, as you'll have gathered, is that his boys will be wimps.

I just struggle with the idea of my DSs hitting as much as I do with the idea of them being hit.

My 4 yr olds preschool has a "red light" policy. You put up your hand and loudly say "STOP" it gets the teacher's and other kids attention and the hitter is talked to. They're told that they hit again and they'll have to go home for the rest of the day (after parental phone calls etc).

I understand the hit back technique, but think that's something to talk about in a few years time when a greater level of discretion can be used - what the situation calls for, what the aggressor is most likely to do as a result and so on.

anonymosity, the red light policy at your DC's pre-school sounds extremely good. Prevents situations from escalating and teaches aggressors the consequences of their behaviour. I'll mention it to my pre-school when I'm there next week.

I agree that it's difficult to expect toddlers, even reasonably sophisticated ones of nearly four, to understand when it might or might not be appropriate to hit back. I can't expect DS1, who's sturdy and tall for his age, to remember that it's OK to hit children who are his size, but not smaller ones, or that hitting at home is wrong but not at pre-school.