*Silblings Aarghhh*

[paulapell]

Anyone else got problems with siblings? I've got two boys, the eldest is 3 and3/4 ish and the younger is just 11 months. It's been a nightmare since day 1. My first hates is little brother with a passion, he kick him, pushes him, bites him, throws things at him. We've tried ignoring - as much as we can, time outs, threats, taking the little one to grandma's to play when the elder is supposed to be going, it seems like we've tried everything - with no sucess at all. The end of my tether is getting nearer, anyone got any helpful hints? PLEASE

Zero tolerance ...
DS is not allowed to hit anyone for any reason at any time. If he does he doesn't get to be a part of what we are doing. We use time out (one minute for every year of his age a la Supernanny) and we also have the Great Mumsnet Pasta Jar: a reward system that someone suggested on Mumsnet ... a jar that you put pieces of dry pasta in for good behaviour ... for us each piece of pasta is worth 10 cents and at the end of the week we add it up and DS gets pocket money. DS loses a piece of pasta with no negotiation if he hits his sister. He also gets pieces of pasta if he consistently plays nicely and kindly with her. It really does work.
The thing is that you have to be consistent. Whatever method you use you have to use it consistently so that your son is not confused.

Also, have you considered why he is behaving this way? We have found very much with DS that his behaviour is really bad when he is getting no attention or when the attention he gets is negative (like he is being told off for something) he gets even worse. We try very hard to notice good behaviour and make a thing of it rather than find and look for bad behaviour. DH was really getting into a rut of coming home from work and expecting DS to be naughty and funnily enough DS was ... so we had fireworks after DS had been almost angelic at home with me.
DS really responds to positive reinforcement, rewards, sticker charts and most of all one to one attention with either me or DH. So as soon as DH is home one of us does something (even if it sit and have a chat about the day) with DS on his own without DD there ... it really helps.

Your DS1 is obviously really struggling with the jealousy thing and maybe this is his way to ask you to give him a bit more positive attention??

a quite useful book is "Siblings without rivalry" - it's mostly aimed at older children but the idea of how you treat them and encourage them to interact is useful even for this age.

I found it helpful to let them see that the little one isn't always perfect - we also use pasta jars, like Ghosty, but even dd3 age 16 months has one, though she doesn't understand it at all the others enjoy her losing a bit of pasta for yelling etc. (we also have them for the adults, I lose pasta for swearing or shouting )

it gets easier as the baby gets older and the first child can see them more as a potential playmate, this is the difficult stage when your baby is becoming a mobile pest (in the first child's view). when they become a possible playmate things can get a lot better.

I get what you're saying...he's jealous not doubt about it, but I wonder if it's got anything to do with his communication probs. He had fluid in his ears and so has become an late speaker,and has not being labelled a reluctant speaker...he'ss talk ok at home and with people his OK with but not at playschool etc. This has made him quite withdrawn with other people and in unfamiliar surroundings and as we've had these probs we've given him lots of love and attention (as advised by the powers that but yet know nothing) and now he's had to get used to phrases like 'just a minute' and 'as soon as I've finished feeding your brother' rather than just plain old 'ok'.

He's not a kid to been reasoned with. Unfortunately. We've been using the sticker rewards for other things like bedtime routines etc and that worked for a while until he got bored of it, as he's got bored of being given cash for good behaviour - by way of your jar method.

He knows right from wrong and that violence towards anyone is just not acceptable, so he does it sneakily. He pretends to be cuddling his brother and smiles at you getting your good attention - then turns his head away and bites him where you can't see! He's becoming devious.

How do I deal with that?

I've read and reread siblings without rivalry, raising boys - which is really good as well, and many other help books - WHS love me! I take on board and implement things that fit into our lifestyle - and always make sure that I have some mummy time with him on his own everyday. He just rejects every attempt - it's like he feels I've betrayed him and no matter what I do he can't forgive me for it.

I've started having similar problems with ds (aged 3.5), who actually bit ds2 (1.5) on the cheek yesterday.

When ds2 was born ds1 was an angel, with no jealousy, but I knew it was just a question of time and now that ds2 is mobile and wanting toys etc they do have their spats.

I try to encourage ds1 to share things and not hurt his brother, but if he does I take ds2 away for a cuddle and say, in a really exaggerated way, something along the lines of "don't worry I won't ever hurt you and I'll always share my things with you", then ds1 comes running along insisting that he will never hurt or snatch from ds2 again.