5yo having tantrums!!

[usedallmyideas]

Help!!!! Our 5yo has just started school. It is a completely new environment to him (he went to a different pre-school) and he knows absolutely nobody in his class. His behaviour over the last few weeks has been absolutely appalling. The current tantrum (still going on in his bedroom) all started because a toy he got for his birthday wasnt working properly, I fixed it but then he couldn't find another toy resulting in MAJOR tantrum which meant he got hawled out of the room (kicking and still screaming). Ended up in time out where he continued to scream and shout so I put him up to his room. He doesn't have many toys in his room. When it went quiet I opened the door. He was reading a book and before I could even open my mouth to ask if he'd calmed down he yelled NO!!!! so I told him that was fine I would come back and get him when he could come out of his room. Left him much longer than 5 minutes (still screaming and I was seathing!) Few toys he had then started being catapulted round the room so I went in and removed them. Now, about an hour after it all started, I'm hearing my DH speaking to him and everything is now calm. Also been getting negative feedback from school (hitting, not doing as he's told, ignoring) and am just wondering if he's hearing too much negative stuff about him as he is a completely different boy from the one who ony left his pre-school last month. Used to have a happy little boy but now just feels like it's almost a constant battle. It's the sort of behaviour I would have expected from him at 2 not 5!! Am now thinking I will stop asking teacher how his behaviour has been and start asking what he's done well during the day and focus on positive? Any advice greatly appreciated as don't know what to do!! Thank you

I remember this well. At pre-school they are the eldest and highly thought of etc but in reception they are starting at the bottom but also they are expected to be quiet and sit still like big children. My DD found this very hard as she was an only child too so had all my attention but at school she had to wait her turn (which is good to learn) and she found it hard.
She was a very confident child and never cried when i dropped her off and would put her hand up to join in discussion etc but after a few weeks she was a different child.
I would get comments in her chat book saying she had pushed someone which was quite unlike her and she would cry at drop off.
I worked out that her teacher (an NQT) was constantly putting her in her place e.g we have heard quite enough from you etc which knocked her confidence as she is an inquisitive girl and she labelled her "the naughty girl of the class" which shocked me greatly - don't think she liked her and it wasn't just her i found out later.
I found in year 1 she was quiet and withdrawn but her teachers were highly experienced and brought her out and she is now as she used to be - a bright, happy girl who loves school and loving year 2!
I think that at school there is so much expected of them that at home they release any pent up frustrations from the day out on those they love the most.
I think you are doing the right thing on focussing on the good points and praising them however small as it builds them up - I did come down hard on the pushing though as that is unacceptable behaviour and she stopped. I found bribing works well and my "now you are a big school child i think it's time for pocket money" (10p for each year they are aged) worked well for us.
When your DS is calm ask if anything is bothering him especially at bedtime as thats when i get the most info.
I'm sure it will all resolve itself as he adjusts to school, maybe talk to other parents as sure you aren't the only one. Kids also copy other behaviour from other kids especially those highly regarded by the other kids and think if they get away with it they will too.
Hearing from some mums last year our DD reception teacher is up to the same tricks with the last reception class so i know it wasn't only us, don't know how she is still there as a few of us complained about her methods.
All the best usedallmyideas

Was searching to see if anyone else is having the same experiences - we're at our wits end. DS1 is only just 4 and is doing half days for the forseeable future but is still shattered in the afternoon and we have total meltdown every Saturday over the tiniest little things. Went to a reception class "mixer" last night which finished at 7.30 p.m. and he was tearing around for the whole hour and a half - really hyper and out of control. Gets more hyperactive and defiant the more tired he gets

Thanks lazycow007 - I'm glad to hear it's not just us going through this! Have been considering volunteering at school as they're always looking for extra help and I would also be able to see what is actually happening for myself, rather than relying on what I'm being told . I'm concerned he's going to end up being labelled as your DD was,though I'm glad to hear she's come through it. Maybe once he's more settled things will start to calm down again at home. At the moment it's like living with Jekyll and Hyde!! We had visitors tonight who arrived about an hour after I made my original post and the phrase "butter wouldn't melt" springs to mind!! Was wondering when to introduce pocket money so we'll try your suggestion on that too.

Chickbean - completely sympathise with you and hope your DS1 settles down soon too. I keep thinking of that advert that used to be on telly where the kid is about to start having a strop in the supermarket but the mum flings herself down on the floor and starts having a tantrum instead. The kid is so shocked he stops dead - I find it very tempting sometimes

He doesn't have to be in full time education at school (or otherwise) until the term after he becomes five.

So, assuming he's a september birthday, you could PERFECTLY WELL keep him off school for a race-round-the-park-madly day as often as he needs it. THe school may whiffle on about making good habits for attendance - I would be inclined to say that you're going to try it out for a few weeks to see if his behaviour improves, and that you're concerned that he's not yet ready for full time school.

[disclaimer: we home educate, so I can be a bit trigger happy with the old "oh, whip 'em out of school if they aren't thriving there" routine]

Thanks ommmward. We thought that because he'd been at nursery and pre-school and they had been quite long days, the shift to school wouldn't be too bad (excepting he didn't know anybody and it's a strange environment). Although we did expect to see some changes in him, didn't think it would be this early and this extreme! Did wonder about putting him in for part days but wasn't too sure if he was already too old (?!) so thanks for clarifying that. But would removing him this early on scupper any friendships he is starting to make (he does talk about friends at school) and single him out even more?! It's a shame they don't come with a child specific instruction manual when they are born