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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Anyone had experience of their child being bullied? Need adivce, PLEASE!!

21 replies

fartmeistergeneral · 02/10/2010 14:22

My ds1 is experiencing a bit of bullying, he's just started secondary school. Fairly low level stuff, name calling, pushing about, but worried how often it's been happening and what it could lead to.

Tell me, if your child is bullied, you speak to the school, they speak to the boy concerned and then it all is supposed to magically stop?? I just don't see how that happens.

My ds is going on and on about how he's bullied, this boy hates him etc etc. I'm beginning to feel physically sick myself.

I've no experience of this myself, and just don't know where to start. Help!

OP posts:

FernieB · 02/10/2010 15:07

Does your DS have some friends who will stick up for him? The best way to stop a bully is to stand up to them and if you have a few friends to help you, then this is easier.

I understand how you must be feeling right now as both my DD's have been bullied. I don't really think schools can do an awful lot. It is far better for the child to learn to deal with a bully. A few smart put-downs to show the bully he doesn't affect you can work wonders.

Original poster

fartmeistergeneral · 02/10/2010 15:08

He does have friends, but I can't see them having the courage to stick up for him (no offence to them, they are nice boys but can imagine them being too mortified).

He's already tried a few put downs, but it doesn't seem to have worked. What happened with your dds? How did it all resolve itself?

OP posts:

FernieB · 02/10/2010 15:26

Tell him to keep at it with the put-downs. If the bully doesn't feel that your DS is affected by him, he'll get bored.

My DD's were at different times both violently assaulted by a girl in their class. One of these attacks was witnessed by 2 teachers. The bully received no punishment. Her parents were told and she spent a lot of time with the school counsellor. My DD was told by her class teacher that she provoked the attack (in spite of what the 2 teachers had told him) and was made to feel it was all her fault. The teacher then went on to bully her himself for a while until I found out and made a formal complaint about him. Again, no action was taken against him. We are not in the UK.

The bully is still in the same class with my kids and she attacked someone else this week. This other girl is too afraid to report her.

FernieB · 02/10/2010 15:29

I think bullying is taken more seriously in the UK. You should have more success if you pursue this with the school, if it gets to that point. You could just speak to his form teacher and mention that there could be an issue. Just ask them to watch the situation.

Original poster

fartmeistergeneral · 02/10/2010 16:03

I guess, I just feel ill at the thought of sending him off to school miserable wondering what lies in wait for him. Hate this!!

OP posts:

Original poster

fartmeistergeneral · 02/10/2010 16:36

bump

OP posts:

FernieB · 02/10/2010 17:09

Sorry, I disappeared for a while to get the kids dinner and sort washing and stuff.

I know how you feel about sending him off to school. I felt the same way about my girls. They now ignore the bully and things are a bit better for them.

Most kids have a period of name-calling etc. They get through it and most of the time it never builds up into anything major. Hopefully it will be this way with your DS.

annapolly · 02/10/2010 17:33

I have been in this position, very long story.

It escalated with my DD and I ended up prosecuting the gang leader and having her tagged, and under a curfew.

If it is very low level, I think your DS should try to ignore it and not let them see it bothers him.

If things start to get more serious, I would keep a diary of all incidences and make a formal complaint to the head teacher, who will in turn speak to the parents.

If they have responsible parents this is often enough, it really depends what type of people they are.

If this is not enough make a complaint to the police. The police, are very insistent that schools deal with bullying and will put a lot of pressure on them to do so.

Keep a diary of all incidences, as you need this to bring a charge of harassment.

Original poster

fartmeistergeneral · 02/10/2010 20:28

sounds like good advice, maybe it will just blow over. Hope so, thanks.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/10/2010 05:59

Our DD was being verbally bullied last year. I spoke to the teacher of the boy involved and nothing was done. I spoke to the head of year and still nothing was done. I spoke to the head of school and there were words with the boy which escalated the situation. I spoke to the boy's parents and they had no idea. The bullying stopped but the boy continued to try to intimidate DD by staring and pointing. I spoke to the boy about this and he stopped.
Do involve the school immediately.

onceamai · 03/10/2010 07:47

Speak to head of Key Stage - document
If no improvement, write to head of key stage.
If no improvement, write to head teacher and request meeting.
At meeting request action plan and review meeting in 14 days.
Keep everything calm and documented - that way the school has to do something because of the potential case you are building against them.
This is really tough - we had it at primary but it was a bit different because it was a teacher doing the bullying. There is hope thought - it became known that a family had finally stood up to her and the next year two other families came forward. After that she was moved to "managerial" duties but importantly removed from day in day out contact with tha same children.
OK - I know in any other job she would have been sacked but nevertheless.

bethjeff · 04/10/2010 21:56

I had a horrendous time when I started high school and just stuck it out... I had 5th years pouring juice in my hood and being pushed into walls/bins/etc.

IMHO, the school should be taking a no tolerance approach to this. It won't make him popular but I would call the head of year and make them aware of the situation... see if they can monitor them and catch them in the act.

That way, he isn't seen as a grass and they will get their comeuppance.

WENDYEG57 · 07/01/2013 15:35

Hi-I'm sorry to hear that your son was being bullied-has the problem improved now? I advise schools, pupils and parents on effective ways to deal with bullying. Sadly, more than 60% of pupils who say they have reported it also say that nothing has changed. Please see 'The Little Book Of Retorts-a teenager's guide to beating the bullies' for a different, if controversial approach aimed to empower young people to stand up to bullies. www.thelittlebookofretorts.com
It was recommended in Families magazine in September and November.

Twattybollocks · 08/01/2013 09:34

I was bullied by a girl in the first year of school. No idea why she singled me out, but there was pushing, hair pulling, spiteful comments to my face, taking about me loudly to friends where I could hear. Made my life utter hell. One day she said something to me in the line up for assembly, I don't know what was different that day to the rest but I just snapped. I grabbed her by the collar, dragged her till her face was an inch from mine and snarled at her that she was less than the shit under my shoe and if she ever said anything to me again or I heard her bitching about anyone else I would make her wish she had never been born. Possibly the worst thing I could have done, she did stop, I obviously scared the shit out of her, and she never bullied anyone ever again, but it didn't make me feel good, and had she continued I don't know what I would have done because I don't think I would have had the balls to follow up on my threats which would have made it 100 times worse. And I knew I was no better than she was because I had called names and threatened someone.

daytoday · 08/01/2013 11:14

What does your son want to do?

My son was bullied. At first my son thought he could handle it but then he couldn't.

As soon as he asked for help, prompted by my encouragement, we spoke to his form tutor. Luckily there were witnesses. This is key. But also His form tutor was very keen for me to let her know as there had been other issues with this child. I think that's the key thing to remember and she was grateful for me telling her.

I think you have to let the school know and follow their lead and then
keep a log.

If you are not happy with school responses then move higher up the food chain- both verbally and in writing. Check out the schools anti bullying policy and hold them to it.

gourd · 08/01/2013 12:16

Sounds awful but I found the only thing that worked was some of their own medicine - i.e. hitting them/shouting at them. I was always told never to hit back and to ignore, ignore, ignore, so I put with bullying from the same few kids for years and years till one day I snapped and then they never did it again.

gourd · 08/01/2013 12:17

Agree you should involve school first but mine didn't do anything.

cory · 09/01/2013 11:22

"Tell me, if your child is bullied, you speak to the school, they speak to the boy concerned and then it all is supposed to magically stop?? I just don't see how that happens."

Not quite like that. Ime what happens in a good school is that you speak to the school, they then think of a plan to implement. This may mean simply speaking to the bullies, it may mean threatening or imposing sanctions, it should involve a plan that will make it easy for your ds to report any further bullying.

I have probably been in about 3 times to report bullying- and in each case the results have been good. A key factor is that both the schools involved had very robust anti-bullying policies, so the bullies themselves were in no doubt that sanctions would be escalated if they continued.

Twattybollocks · 09/01/2013 11:58

The main point of informing school is that the bullied child has someone there who is able to protect them when the bullying is happening , and they should feel able to report the bullying behaviour to the school as it happens and see measures put in place to limit the bullying. Being believed by adults and the behaviour not being trivialised is really important to rebuilding a child's self esteem.

terilou87 · 09/01/2013 23:33

no experience with my own children but my friend was bullied really bad her mum told the school on numerous occasions and it did nothing she went to the police who said unless she is physically assulted they wont do anything. it was bad enough that she was considering suicide but they wer'nt interested.
i would speak to their parents, i know if my children were bullying and i found out i would be fuming, they wouldn't dare do it again lets put it that way.

Theoldtriangle · 10/01/2013 09:38

My ds, 14, was bullied two years ago for about 6 months. His "friends" were the actual bullies, name calling, teasing, no actual violence as far As I know. He has a stammer and is very skinny and these were the reasons apparently. He only told me when it was all over though, showed me a diary he had kept in which he wrote how down he felt and wished he were dead. He cried and said it was mostly rears of relief because it was more or less over, it stopped because he ignored their taunts as best he could, taking the high road, not showing them how hurt he was, and he is an incredibly sensitive boy, easily moved to tears. Teachers had made bullying a point of discussion but when I brought up my sons issues at a parent teacher night his head teacher said she knew nothing. He has become a stronger, more self reliant person though, very sensible, still good Grades. He is quite proud at how he handled it all on his own.

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