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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS1 bit another child at nursery today...

25 replies

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 21:41

and I was mortified but mainly felt sorry for the child he had bitten. Luckily it was superficial, but for me it's the disappointment that he chose to do this.

Has anyone else got experience of this?

I will work with the staff to try and nip this in the bud. He is 3.5yo. He doesn't behave that way in the home, so I am really finding it hard to come to terms with.

He also spat at DH (in the face) at bedtime tonight. DH not impressed and shouted at him because it was completely out of the blue. We're guessing he picked that nasty habit up at nursery.

Now each afternoon I'm going to worry about what he's been up to when I pick him up :(

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ooooooeak · 01/10/2010 21:47

Your see I also started a thread on the same issue today. I would like to know the best approach too.

Your not alone. It feels TERRIBLE I know just how you feel. I do think its a normal behavioural phase which some children go through so I am trying not to get too upset but it is hard not to be as its so embarrising.

sandsad · 01/10/2010 21:49

I think you will find many, many of us have had this experience - DS1 was a biter, DS2 did it just the once.

He may never do it again.

It is upsetting for all concerned - including you.

I don't know why I had a biter, but I was beside myself. Practically stopped going out. It seemed that attention was the key for him. I had had DC2, and DC3 was on the way (DS1 was about 2/2.5). I spent 10 mins a day 1:1 doing whatever he wanted (as advised by Behaviour Specialist at the GPs) and, although it may have been a co-incidence as this phase might have been coming to an end anyway, it did stop it, and very quickly too.

Sometimes they do these things out of frustration, out of anger, out of attention seeking. Truth is we will never know why it started, we just know it will stop.

You are absolutely right to work with the nursery, and it is incredibly stressful for you. Apologise to the parent, make him apologise to the child, show him what he did.

Don't let it stop you doing anything, you sound as though you are keeping on top of it, so stay eagle eyed and ready to pounce, and let the nursery help you.

Very best of luck. I've been there, and its hard.

Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 21:54

thanks ooeak :) It's bloody hard this parenting malark isn't it? I had no idea that I'd end up with a child who'd behave this way. I asked the nursery staff if he was the only one and I was told that he is just now, but they do have classes where there is usually one or two biters. At the moment he appears to be the only one in this class. it just makes me feel like a total failure. I don't know what I can do to stop it. I can't be a fly on the wall when he's there, he needs to learn to adapt to his new environment. He's happy when he's there, and having loads of fun then suddenly there's these couple of incidents...

ooeak how old is your DC?

Hope someone comes along soon to help us mums who are struggling with biters.

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Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 22:00

thank you sandsad - he does occasionally see children outwith the nursery setting but not very often tbh.

He used to go for other toddlers faces (to scratch them) when he was smaller (around 18 months old) and I just stopped going to toddler group because I found I could not relax like everyone else, I was constantly on edge.

I thought he would have grown out of it by now. a few weeks ago he went for another boy's face, scratched him (because the other boy shoved him first so this was his way of reacting apparently). Thankfully he didn't break the skin, but still it was enough to get me upset hearing this when picking him up from nursery. I think the mum was understanding but no names get mentioned so she maybe didn't realise who was the culprit.

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booge · 01/10/2010 22:00

DS was a biter, I found even good friends were not supportive, it was a nightmare. Now he is the softest, kindest boy. It is a phase, some do it once some do it more but it will pass. The difficult thing is that biters are assumed to be worse than hitters, pinchers etc but it's all just run of the mill toddler behaviour.

At 3.5 I would have firstly given all the attention to the victim, and have timed out DS for 3 mins. If it happens often then you just have to watch them like hawks when playing and that is wearisome.

Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 22:04

thanks booge. does anyone have any idea when they grow out of this? I just have images in my mind of him carrying on like this in P1 or P2! I just hope he really does grow out of it..

It is reassuring to know others have been through this (IYKWIM!) and that it will pass. It's just the 'when' that worries me..

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ooooooeak · 01/10/2010 22:05

Mine is 2years 10months. Is this your DC first nursery experience??
Although it hasn't ever happened at nursery I did ask his keyworker about biting and she said it was very common at this age and was something that she over many many years had been used to managing. Her advice was as sandsad has said.

sandsad how is your DS now?

Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 22:08

yes - DS has never been in a nursery setting before the age of 3. He's been there for 5 weeks now.

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sandsad · 01/10/2010 22:08

I think its worth asking the nursery to tell you what led up to it. He might not be used to others invading his space, there might have been a toy taken - it'll help you make sense of it rather than thinking its just a random mean act. Get a perspective on it - I wrote down what led to the incident, then I could look back and I'd realise that it wasn't all the time (it just felt like it).

It might be worth getting him out a bit more if you can.

Has he been in nursery long, or is this all new to him?

Be as normal as you can when you are out together - let him play with others, plenty of attention, and yes, lots of attention and sympathy to the other child.

It also helps to hang out with people who have more than one child - they can be far more forgiving as they will have, at some point, been through similar. We are all precious about our first borns, so its easy to feel as though yours is simply awful. He isn't. He isn't any different to any of his peers. Different phase at different times.

ooooooeak · 01/10/2010 22:09

Interesting that you don't go to many groups. I always feel like I'm the one that can't relax but looking back I wish I had stuck at large groups as it may have been that DS would have learn't to deal with it better and we wouldn't be trying to get used to busy child play now.

I take DS straight home if anything happens after saying sorry etc. I do find it hard to shower the other child with hugs when I have often see the other child seriously prevoke DS but you have to I guess.

sandsad · 01/10/2010 22:11

DS is 8 and hasn't bitten anyone in at least 5 years

See! It does stop!

ooooooeak · 01/10/2010 22:11

In that case lovechoc that is why he is biting. He is going through the same sharing issues/large group of children issues that many younger child have all ready ahd to go through. In a few weeks he will be fine.

ooooooeak · 01/10/2010 22:13

Thank-god sandsad!! Thank you!

Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 22:15

we get out and about, to shops, the library, meet relatives etc. so he is good with other people - just not so great with others of a similar age it seems.

He isn't gelling very well with the boy he's been 'friends' with over the past 4 or 5 weeks, they seem to be falling out, so to speak, of late. The incident today happened because they were both playing with lego and DS didn't want this other boy to be playing with it too so I think they squabbled over a piece and DS bit this boy. The boy in question is approx one year older.

These seem to be the situations the nursery staff are telling us about, and I think a lot of it is to do with sharing - or lack of it! He's finding it hard to share just now.

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LilRedWG · 01/10/2010 22:17

Are you sure the bite was in anger? DD came home from nursery with a bite mark on her upper arm one day. Apparently, her and Oscar had been playing monsters and he got a bit carried away and forgot to just pretend to bite her (they were both four).

It happens, try not to worry about it too much.

LilRedWG · 01/10/2010 22:17

"her and Oscar"? I boviously mean she and Oscar.

Aitch · 01/10/2010 22:18

dd was bitten at nursery a few times, it's not nice but it's not the end of the world. as the parent of the bitten rather than the biter i was mostly grateful that she wasn't the one doing the biting iyswim? definitely deal with the nursery so that it doesn't become a big thing, but also shrug it off re the other parent, worse things happen at sea, you're going to be vigilant and do everything you can so that it doesn't happen again. don't sweat it too much.

Original poster

lovechoc · 01/10/2010 22:19

I asked if it was worth having a meeting over and they said 'not yet'. He has only bitten the once, but attempted to bite same child yesterday too. Only if it becomes regular will I need to go in to nursery and talk about it, and help find a strategy.

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Aitch · 01/10/2010 22:22

if it's sharing then make sure staff are up on it, it's all perfectly normal. they will keep an eye on him. and maybe tell him that it's okay not to like sharing, because it IS annoying, but that sometimes he will just have to so that he gets a shot of other stuff. no biting, but if he doesn't want to share practise saying 'I AM PLAYING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW' or somesuch, then the staff can deal with the other boy if he's actually being grabby.

Aitch · 01/10/2010 22:23

good that the nursery isn't over-reacting. don't be upset by this, lovecat, it's just normal kid shite.

sandsad · 01/10/2010 22:23

To this day, lovechoc, DS1 would rather play by himself and is fairly intolerant of other children (especially his siblings) being in his space.

All we can do is teach them how to behave, and that includes teaching them how to tell someone to 'naff off' appropriately.

You need to manage the way you deal with it (by not panicing or thinking negatively of him - its the behaviour), give him the ability to say 'no, go away' but also that he can, and should, share. And I do see the contradiction in what I've just said!

Never straightforward or easy this parenting malarky.

littleshebear · 02/10/2010 11:46

My eldest son was a biter- it was horrendous as he was my first. He is now 17 and a very gentle, kind person, although quite sensitive and volatile. After he got past the pre-school stage he had no problems at all. I had two more children who did not bite, then youngest daughter was a nightmare- she used to attack other children at toddler group(no other word for it, alas) and I stopped going. Then at nursery she used to intermittently bite, hit and generally be appalling. However she too is now fine- aged 7, although took a bit longer for her. They both have quite similar personalities- a bit over sensitive and prone to over reaction! I wonder now if the biting was due to someone else invading their space or just feeling overwhelmed? Anyway, although I have no tips to help you as I had to just sit it out I just wanted to reassure you that it does not mean children will grow up not knowing right from wrong, nor is it a reflection on your parenting and it will pass! For my eldest son at least I can even laugh about it now but it wasn't a bit funny at the time!

bubble2bubble · 02/10/2010 12:51

DD2 was bitten at nursery yesterday, on the face ( just still trying to work out how that is possible? ! )

She has a huge horrible bite mark on her cheek poor little thing and I think would have had a bruise were it not for the nursery staff following her around with an ice pack on it all morning

FWIW I don't hold it against the other parents and I know the nursery staff are excellent - there is no question that the kids are not well supervised. They are three, some children have biting phases, that's it really.

dribbleface · 02/10/2010 22:11

bubble2bubble - faces seem to be common, usually go in for a hug, then nip!

Original poster

lovechoc · 15/10/2010 20:18

Update: Had a meeting with nursery teacher the other day and have been told that DS is a 'bright little button' and is frustrated because most of the activities there are 'too easy' for him and so he's taking it out on other children in his class. There hasn't been a repeat of the biting episode thankfully since I posted here...

They are now doing an activities chart for him where he will have to do 5 mins per activiity because what they found was that he was doing 15 activities in the space of 10 minutes and getting fed up and bored after that. Hoping that the chart will help him stay at one activity at a time (will be working him up to 10 mins per activity eventually). it is structured but it's worth a shot if it means him being less aggressive towards others.

I think they will also be working on phonics with him too because he is keen to read (which I wasn't sure was a good idea) and I've been told that we shouldn't hold back, if he is showing the signs then we've to try that with him at home aswell.

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