What acually STOPS children biting or hitting out?

[ooooooeak]

Almost 3 and doing in frustration over sharing.....really had enough.

No idea, am in the same boat though....was told today by nursery that my DS who is 3 bit another child in retaliation for being hit and I'm beside myself! Have always reinforced not hitting and have long talks on the subject, which thus far has worked, but had to be a real hard arse with him today - sigh!

The thing is bitting is seen to be MUCH worse than hitting or pushing but from our LO perspective its all the same. So i'm confussed how to best handle it. Today he staright away said sorry, kissed other child, hugged them, all without prompting but I said not good enough we are going home. I hope this will have an impact. But what do I then do if he was to hit or push? Really it should be the same deal..??

I haven't had this at nursery so not sure what to suggest, I guess time out. Do you find its only to other boys?? I have noticed my DS much prefers girls to play with. Its bloody hard!

I picked DS1 up today from nursery and was told that he bit another boy :( Yesterday he was stopped just in the nick of time for NEARLY biting the same boy's cheek.:(

Not sure what to do either. Was alot easier when they were babies! Didn't have all these issues to contend with.

How did the nursery deal with it?

To date I have warned him that any naughtiness and I'll take him straight home and straight to bed......thus far have always followed through and it's been successful. I have told him never to hit back as we are to be nice and use kind hands with our friends, and if someone pushes him or hits him at nursery, then to tell whoever it was not to do that and to tell his teacher.
For today's complete first at biting (am mortified) it's been hard as I didn't witness it and had to discipline
him retrospectively. They were given cupcakes at going home time (classmate's bday) and I made him give his cupcake to the little boy he hit, and apologise. I gave him a very firm talking to, discussed it with him at length this afternoon, and he wasn't allowed any telly this evening nor any pudding at supper. He completely understood and kept apologising. Let's hope message has sunk in.

It is simply a matter of personality and maturity. People can say that they did x,y,z and it stopped it, but the reality is it is a phase, and all you can do is be vigilant, watch for 'triggers' and step-in.

Always, always deal with your child when they bite, but don't attribute adult values to it. It just isn't like that.

DD2 gets very angry, and is very short-fused. You can just see frustration bubbling to the surface. She is 3.1. Her biting phase is almost completely over, but she will still pinch if she is pushed too far by her sisters. Time out/naughty step for cooling down. Lots of attention for other child, etc. No point in smacking (I am not absolutely against smacking, but experience tells me it makes no difference to this behaviour at all).

Lougle do you think its acually possible to teach them what TO DO at age 3. I don't think my DS would understand that if someone takes something or pushes him he shouldn't react. Its hard. He got really cross this week as younger children kept breaking a trainset he was building......I really felt for him as he bite HIMSELF in frustration!

Yes, I do, but I don't think that they will always have the self-control to do it! DD2 is 3. She knows it is wrong to pinch. She knows she mustn't do it. She knows I will send her to the naughty step if she does. 80% of the time she will say "Mummy! DD1/DD3 is doing x" but 15% she will control herself well for a minute or two then pinch, and (rarely) she will bite. She will trot off to the naughty step when I tell her to, tell me that she has bitten, say sorry, and give a hug.

You say your DS wouldn't understand that he shouldn't react. But you wouldn't want him to 'not react', would you? If someone snatches from him or pushes him, he should react. Just not with violence. So teach him that he should say "I don't like that" or "Stop!" and to go to an adult if he needs help.

Yep totally agree but how do you teach them that??? I do helicopter him when he is playing as I want to aviod it happening, I guess as it does I need to step in and tell him what to say??

Yes, we do exactly that. A big thing for DD2 at the moment is accepting an apology. So DD1 will say 'sorry' and DD2 replies "You NOT SORRY!!!". I jump straight in, and say "DD2222 - what do we say? 'It's ok, DD1' or 'It did hurt, DD1, but thank you for saying sorry'" Then I expect her to say it!!

OP I feel your pain I've been through it myself. Say no remove from situation give loads of attention to the other child finish time out, apology and MOVE on. Children this age are to long for lengthy discussions and protracted punishments. Dd is now 4 she stopped biting over a year ago, it was a phase they grow out of it.

To the poster who's written

"They were given cupcakes at going home time (classmate's bday) and I made him give his cupcake to the little boy he hit, and apologise. I gave him a very firm talking to, discussed it with him at length this afternoon, and he wasn't allowed any telly this evening nor any pudding at supper. He completely understood and kept apologising. Let's hope message has sunk in."

You have gone way way over the top. the cupcake and the talking to were enough, the rest of it was unnecessary. And you didn't need to do it at length, ineffective. just a firm quick reprimand, children this age do not have the cognitive capacity to have at length talking tos. Using food as a punishment is dodgy ground, v dodgy. The message won't have sunk in as he's 3.

minxofmancunia what about taking straight home then? OTT?? I didn't think so TBH....just hope it works.

personally I would have given him another chance before home but then if there was a repeat offence then OFF! TBH I found hovering behind her constantly in abject fear that she might do something to another child so stressful that I avoided communal child places for a while.

As i say now she has completely grown out of it, she played with her little friend also 4 for 3 hours this eve without incident. So much more relaxing once they're older!

Good behaviour management, reinforcing expectations before they start to play with the child and consequences that will occur. i.e. play nicely, if you bite, hit etc we will go straight home. Follow through - no empty threats. He will get it Time out regardless of where you are, unceremoniously dump child at edge of room, down to eye level, 'you do not bite with stern look'. If you move we will go home or we will not come here again.

Be consistent is the best advice.

My 2 year old understands it is wrong, often doesn't retaliate when older sister teases her and comes to tell me [hmmm]

We have this issue with DS, just turned 3. HV said not to withdraw from communal places, as withdrawing won't help him learn how to socialise - but I agree totally that sometimes it's more stressful going than not! He's at nursery 2.5 days per week, and I help at playgroup, so he has to socialise there... then on the other days I see how he is and shadow him closely. Nursery have been v good about it, I had a meeting with them to discuss strategy and they recommended time out combined with sticker chart for good behaviour. We have 6 sticker spaces on chart after which he gets a 'reward' of jelly baby/lollipop; and the stickers are sometimes rewarded for fairly minor good behaviour just so he feels like he's achieving something.

However as others have said, it's a phase related to maturity; our DS is quite young in many ways and is very impulsive, plus biting is his way of getting out of the situation when hands are locked over some toy or other. I agree that biting seems much more of a deal than pushing - so at present we're focusing on that, although we give warning of time out for other things it's only biting that gets immediate time out. Really feel for you though, it's hard not to feel judged as a parent for it...

Might also be worth seeing if HV can offer advice - in our area we've triple p programme (positive parenting) and I'm going to be getting help via that over the next few weeks. Here's hoping it works...

Numpty I am a student HV (and mum/nurse)! I have also been a CM.

Withdrawing if he enjoys going will soon teach him he can't play if he bites. This is effective.
Reinforce behaviour when he plays nicely 'good sharing' 'good boy for not reacting' 'well done sharing that car' Be specific with praise.

If it's frustration is he too young to be shown how to get his frustration out in another way? If it's specifically biting maybe give him a teething toy or a beanbag or something? Something which he really can bite but it won't actually do any harm. Otherwise something like drawing how he feels or going away from people and throwing a beanbag/ball at a wall or into a bin etc. I appreciate this may not be possible in all situations. He's probably a bit young to remember to take a deep breath and count to ten.

I get that he can't be allowed to carry on doing it but just stopping him from biting or hitting etc isn't addressing the frustration that he's feeling - as referenced in the self biting, which isn't a healthy habit to get into in the long term. The frustration is still there and it's just going to come out later or in a different way.

Long term the behaviour will stop as he grows out of it and learns to regulate his emotions, decide what is worth getting that angry about and what isn't, but in the meantime IMO providing the child with other anger management strategies is more relevant/helpful than punishments. (Well you could use both I guess :))

No positive input from me. Just need to say thank god I am not alone- My DS is the same

Both my DS were very rough with other children.DS1 couldn't stand any child anywhere near him.They got whacked,smacked,pinched,shoved...At 2 and a half years I snapped.I implemented a complete no tolerance policy.He got one warning outside play area,friends house or wherever.I told him "remember,if you hurt someone we are going straight home.This is your warning.No second chances".And I followed through,every time.It was a PITA,because often we were just in somewhere and we had to go home.But I did it.And it worked.Had to do same for DS2 too.One go and he got it.He knew I meant business.He is invited to party this weekend,first one since started school.He has already been warned.I will let the mum know when we arrive that we may have to make a rapid early exit.But he has assured me he is a ready to play nicely.Hope so,LOL!