She's only 4 but it was a thread about teenagers that got me thinking about my DD and her behaviour, and I would appreciate some collective advice.
She's a sweetheart and everyone adores her. BUT she is also wilful beyond anything I have ever seen ,and beyond anything that anyone in my family have seen either. She can keep a tantrum up for more than 4 hours at a time (will sometimes take a nap then wake up and carry on). She will be deligthful one second and then scream at the top of her head at you for a random reason - perhaps starting down the stairs in front of her, or cutting her toast without asking her, anything really. There are no triggers (sometimes she will wake up, look around the room and try to find somethign random to scream at - I will watch her eyes go round the room looking for soemthing to whine about before she screws her face and screams that the curtains aren't pulled properly, or the teddy is on the floor or something). Yet on some days (and with some people) she is a darling. I am sure her teacher for example would struggle to believe me if I told her how she behaves outside the classroom (although the school have themselves commented that she is very strong-willed and 'strong of character').
She hits, she screams and nothing stops her. She doesn't care if she's on a naughty step (something I only turned to in desperation and have found useless) and she will sometimes hit me and then go sit on the naughty step before I get a chance to put her on it.
My DS was bought up on 'unconditional parenting' principles and it worked fine with him but DD went wild with that type of approach when we (briefly) tried it, so we've had to change tack - she would happily stay up all night just to prove a point, for example, and the unconditional approach had us once taking her on a car journey naked (that was the point at which I threw the book away). Trying to give her partial control over certain things doesn't work either - she wants total control over everything.
Having read a dozen books on tantruming/controlling behaviour and strong-willed children, I have perservered for months on the 'not giving in' approach, and I get nowhere. And I know that part of the reason for this is because she does sucessfully manipulate other people and I am sure she thinks that if she carries on she will eventually be able to manipulate me. But of course some of the manipulation I can't control (and that gets more the case the older she gets and the more interactions that she has).
Now that she is of an age where I can discuss things with her I tell her always how much I love her but that I don't like some of her behaviour and sometimes she says that she doesn't like being naughty. If I ask her why she was naughty she will tell me that she is having a 'yellow' day.
My DS is older and will often try to talk to her which works sometimes but it breaks my heart when he tries to help (he often tries to give her his pocket money 'to stop her crying'). We don't smack, or scream and we are always scrupulously fair in terms of the attention and rules we impose on both DCs. They get loads of cuddles from both of us and every weekend we split them up at som epoint so that each of them get 1-1 mummy time or 1-1 daddy time. They eat well, have lots of activity in their lives and are totally normal middle class kids, except for DD and her rages.
What to do? Will she settle down as she grows up? Should I discuss this with someone? I don't think there's a label for her or that she needs treatment, but my worry is that if I don't raise her appropriately then it might not change and I will have failed her. Any ideas, or similar experience?