Friend's son behaving badly in my care

[knottyhair]

Just wanted a bit of advice. I look after one of my ds's friends before and after school (they're both 6), and I'm also good friends with his mum. However, ds's friend's behaviour sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. I do try to gently reprimand him when he's rude and remind him to say please & thank you (which he often doesn't!) etc. but this morning whilst walking to school, he had a major strop because his scooter wouldn't "go straight", and he refused to move. I suggested he just pick it up and carry it, but he refused. Meanwhile my own son has scooted on ahead (thankfully in a safe area re: traffic). I ended up telling him off and told him I'd have to tell his mum about this. Now I feel a bit "funny" about doing this. She works very hard and has a baby as well, and I don't want to make a big deal about it. But I know that if my ds was behaving like this with someone else, I'd want to know (although I'd be mortified!). What do other people do when looking after other kids? Am I best off just letting it go and accepting that maybe he just feels comfortable enough with me to misbehave ??

If you let it go, he may feel free to behave in this way again. I would mention it to his mum. Don't make a big issue out of it, but just let her know how her son is behaving.

I feel your frustration. What i do is when the the child arrives at my house i give a run down of what i expect and what my house rules are, so to speak. I say things like, when you are in my house, or my care you listen to me, you share nicely, you speak with kind words, things like that, so the child has a clear understanding of what is expected of him. I feel it is also very important to speak in the positive, say what you expect rather than what you dont want. I would even go as far as having a time out area for him. You would obviously need to discuss this with his mother first. I would calmly discuss with her what happens during the day, and that you by no means want to disipline her child, but what he does, and how he behaves is becoming dangerous, both for him and your child, ie in traffic situations. Tell her what you are intending to do, and maybe even ask what she might suggest.
once the child knows where he stands with you, that you are consistant, and follow thru, things will get better and better. I have some children who are much better behaved in my care, than with their own mothers. I expect them to behave as i expect my own child to behave. They soon get the idea.
I would definately mention the situation to the mother. I have a friend who would tell me every thing went smoothly, until one day her son slipped up and mentioned she gave my child a sweet beacause she was crying. This really does diminish trust between the parents.
If you just telling her, that children are children, and you feel he is pushing his boundries, as all children do, you can come to an agreement of what to do. Because something must be done, so you can all have a safe and happy time together.

Thanks to you both for your advice. I'm definitely going to talk to her. To be honest, it was a bit of a shock the first time he answered me back, when all my other friends' kids are almost over polite with me and better behaved than with their own parents (early Kevin the teenager behaviour!), as apparently my ds is with other parents! He is aware of the rules in my house, e.g. he has to sit nicely and eat his meal, he has to wash his hands after using the loo , yes you'd think he'd know that! And his behaviour here has improved a lot, although he's still quite defiant sometimes. It was just very awkward and frustrating this morning as it was on the way to school. My ds is an only, so it gave me some insight into what it is like to be out with 2 .

My son is 5 and sounds a bit like your friend's boy. Frustration makes him angry and he lashes out. Then he is humiliated and stubborn and wont back down, so the more you tell him off the worse it gets. I have never left him with a friend for this reason - because if your own child copes better with negative feelings, you have probably never had to negotiate this sort of tantrum. Your friend may feel - like I do - a bit isolated, or a bit of a failure - for having the child everyone sees as problematic. So tread carefully. Say it with good humour and don't make it feel so serious to her that she feels she can't burden you again. The child will grow out of the tantrums when his emotional maturity catches up. With the backchat, you must politely and gently pull him up on this as it happens, but mostly shower him and his mates with praise when they ask nicely/are helpful etc. Let him see the positive effect of good behaviour in your care. You sound like a good friend and if you have the boy alot you will have to be able to use some discipline.

Yes, you're right. And I do plan to try to broach the subject with her in a way (hopefully!) that won't make her feel bad. I have managed to get him to say please and thank you more often with me, by gently reminding him, and I do praise him when he does it without being prompted, which to be fair is more often now. I'm also aware that his baby sister's arrival will have had an affect on him as well. It just felt like more of an issue yesterday because it was the first time he'd had more of a "tantrum" rather than just making his "angry noise" at me when I ask him to do something. Unfortunately she didn't pick him up from me yesterday afternoon (I don't have him on a Friday afternoon) so I now have to wait until Monday for a chance to speak to her about it, and I don't think that leaving a big gap between the event, and any possible consequences for him, is ideal. But I feel that if I make a point of ringing her specifically to talk to her about his behaviour will automatically make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be! I'm rambling now...

I think you need to speak to her, even if only for the reason that you told the boy that you will, and he may not take your word so seriously if you don't.

But no reason at all why it can't be done in a brilliantly supportive way. Can you enlist someone to babysit all the children and do it over a drink somewhere? She might like to get out without children for a while.

It is so insightful to see the situation from many points of view. I think as long as the mom knows, that it is coming from an angle of understanding, as you say, understanding the frustration he now has with a baby sister, not getting the attention he is used to, and all the things that go with a new baby. It must be very difficult for a 6 yr old to fully comprehend, and will show his confusion, frustration etc in ways that that are totally random and seem unrelated. If you mention this to the mother, along with the fact that children are children, they all push boundries, to see where they stand, They all feel frustration, and that it is nothing personal on her parenting skills. And maybe bring up that the only reason you are bringing it up, is to try help her child thru this transition. I believe at the end of the day unacceptable behaviour is unaceptable behaviour, and needs to be put right, Now of course with a sensitive situation it can be put right in a calm and sensitive mannor, but even talking to her on monday is fine, it may even be better as you might also give yourself some time to think how you will approach it. It sounds like you are doing a great job, and im sure the conversation with the mom will be smooth and filled with understanding. Good Luck.