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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

feeling utterly wretched. I think I must have completely messed up

22 replies

DreamTeamGirl · 30/09/2010 21:56

I need some help, as I am all out of ideas

My DS is 5.7, just started Y1

He is a biggish lad- age 6-7 or 7-8 clothes, but is so clumbsy he reminds me at times of a big toddler, and doesnt seem to realise he is quite strong. I seem to have to remind him a fair bit not to push or grab at people.

We have had a truly awful year, losing both my dad & grandad to cancer- so for my DS his treasured and adored grandad and great grandad. Both of us were devestated by it all, and had barely got passed the first when the second happened.

We are however plodding along, trying to cope as best we can

However, of late things are just awful when we are around any children at all.
Now I know children tell tales, and it irritates me massively, but it seems to ALWAYS be about my DS.

Tonight at my friends house, there were 3 five year olds and 1 three year old playing, and no less than ten times they came in saying Samuel pushed/ Samuel said it was his game and not my game/ Samuel wont get off the slide/ Samuel dropped his cup. So some of this is genuine greivance eg pushing, but some of it, is quite frankly, whining
The thing is there were 10 complaints ABOUT my son- none by him, and ONE complaint about one of the others.
And this is normal, every time.

In the end I left in tears, as I just couldnt take it, and ended up blasting poor DS in the car cos I am sick to death of being told how awful he is constantly, and it always just being him.

How do others react when children come in, complaining about your DC? Or do they not? Have I done something horribly terribly wrong with DS that I produced a little boy who is so intensly dislikable that he winds everyone else up? I dont think he that bad- he is mostly very kind, and is often remarked on that he is the child comforting someone when they are crying at school, as a lot of them are during the first few weeks of a new term and new class. But there must be some reason why he is always complained about

Have sat tonight and cried for 4 straight hours, trying to work out what I did wrong bringing him up and how to fix it.

Please give me some ideas. I am such a bad mum right now, that when DS actually got kicked in the face (hard enough to leave a shoe print on his face) when play fighting went too far, I couldnt help thinking 'well he probably deserved it- he had probably been hitting before it'
Which is awful of me I know.

I feel so wretched right now all I want to do is go to bed and never get up again

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Poogles · 30/09/2010 22:03

Poor you! It might just be that he is an easy target for tell-tales. Try observing from a distance to get an accurate picture. My niece often goes running to say nephew did this and that, but when you actually look at it, she hit/kicked etc first!!

CarGirl · 30/09/2010 22:10

I'm off to bed but a couple of quick thoughts (big hug btw and a cup of tea)

Could he be dyspraxic hence unusually clumsy?

Try and tell him what to be instead of what not to be ie "be gentle" (and lots of praise when he is) rather than "don't grab"

Do you usually mix with the same people, has he become labelled with being the "naughty" one byt the other parents and therefore their dc?

MovingForward · 30/09/2010 22:10

i think it sounds like he is wanting your attention. Spend more time with him. lots of cuddles. and kids feel what you are thinking. Focus on what he does well. His caring nature and praise him when he does the right things. If you see him doing the wrong things, discuss it with him. don't shout. make sure he knows what is right and wrong/ If others acuse him of things, simpy ask him, what happened. hear his side.

he might just be acting out right now, simply because of the losses he has faced.

cuddle. cuddle. cuddle.

mummywizz · 30/09/2010 22:11

you are not a bad mum, and his behaviour is definately NOT your fault. I am in a similar position except my son is a bit younger (3.5)
also big for his age he pushes other children, pulls hair, hits and kicks sometimes for no reason, I envy other mums who sit and chat while their children play nicely with eachother, I have to constantly watch my son that he doesn't hurt some poor child.today my older daughter who is in year 1 had a friend home for tea and my Ds actually tried to stand on her
the pre-schoold teacher at his last nursery told me he was in danger of being 'labelled' as other children told on him even when it wasn't his fault, if a child cries in the playground I automatically think my DS has done something (more often than not he hasn't) so you are not alone, I am just waiting for him to grow out of it

colditz · 30/09/2010 22:12

my boyfriend once blasted his own two children for doing this to my son.

And he simply said

"Why don't you go away and cry about it? That'll make it all better, won't it?"

colditz · 30/09/2010 22:16

or you could say

"Oh well, I'm fairly sure he's not the only one of you who ever does anything wrong"

It is extremely upsetting to have an oaf instead of a son, I know.

When it all gets a bit too whiny round here, i say

"Play nicely or I will come in there and make you be very very good."

they hate ythat idea.

maryz · 30/09/2010 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DreamTeamGirl · 30/09/2010 22:37

Thank you all

I dont really know anything about dyspraxia, but he reads & writes fine and can paint beautifully (sounds really nobby & boastful, but hopefully you know what I mean!) if that counts for anything. He cant run for toffee tho, and things like the monkey bars are beyond his comprehension ... And yes he is the tallest and biggest.

We do mix with the same people a lot- and I do tend to blast him when he is naughty, as I spose I may have unreasonable high standards for DS . I am a single mum & always feel that I have to do everything, not just as well but better to prove that he isnt being let down by being brought up by a single mum ...

Today he actually had hit back after being hit, and I didnt blast him at that point, but the girl he had hit (back) just whinged and cried behind me whilst i was trying to talk quietly to him, until I lost and we left. Normally I woulda blasted him and made him apologise before heaping lots of attention on her, but I was just not in the mood, especially after having to deal with the foor print on his face from the earlier scirmish at school. In her defence tho, she had said 3 times she didnt want him to clip the poncy toy to her bike, and he carried on trying to do it and so she hit him ... if he had just stopped doing it, she probably wouldn't have done
Or is that too much to expect from a 5 year old?
So hard, cos her mum was there- albeit inside so I couldnt really tell her to quit whinging, and accept they had both been at fault...

I od wonder if the fact that I DO watch his closely, and DO tell him off has made him a target ....

thank you, I feel a little bit less like haiding from the world forever. And I did stop crying for like 4 whole minutes ...

OP posts:

colditz · 30/09/2010 22:42

i think that, while your son shouldn't have hit her back, to expect him not to is expecting more self control of him than you expected of the child who belted him for merely attaching a toy to a bike.

And I would have said (to her)

"If you don't hit people you don't get hit back, darling. Next time tell your mummy instead of hitting children."

Original poster

DreamTeamGirl · 30/09/2010 22:49

Thanks colditz- I think I meant was expecting him not to irritate the life out of people too much?

The hitting back was damn stupid of him - as I said (shouted) afterwards- if he had come in and said K had hit him, she would have been the one in trouble- as it was he hit back and she cried longer and ahrder- meaning he got the lions share of the blame ....

OP posts:

colditz · 30/09/2010 22:53

Blame should not be apportioned depending on who's the biggest wimp, especially not when they're the same age. It's not fair on kids like your son. She didn't have the self control not to hit him for putting a toy on her bike, why, then, would he have the self control not to hit her for hitting him?

He's only five. If someone my age punched me because I was annoying them, I cannot honestly say that I would definately not punch them back.

if you want to complain about getting hit, you shouldn't hit people.

Original poster

DreamTeamGirl · 30/09/2010 22:59

You are right.

Oh crap, I have really let him down havent I? idiot

OP posts:

pluperfect · 30/09/2010 23:02

I agree with poogles. Children do know what sort of stories their parents will believe, and, all right, your DS may be clumsy and big, and the others may be scared of him, but he may not be always the one.

As for "bad" behaviour, the only thing that works is consistency. My DS (about 2 and a half) has gone through shoving and aggressive phases, but endless helicoptering on my part, pouncing on misdemeanours, trying to "model good behaviour" does seem to be working, to an extent.

Is your son getting enough sleep? Are the other kids?

Hope some of that helps. I know how demoralising it is to be the mother of a "shover", but you can make yourself feel better by continuing to police his behaviour and also by loving him. My little boy is tall (tho' skinnny) and clumsy, and does have an aggressive streak, but he is also soft and loving and funny, and I love him, and I know that at least DH and I do really love him, so we can be tough on him and help him be as "good" as he can be.

goldenticket · 30/09/2010 23:08

Were you the only other parent there apart from your friend? I have found that can also make a difference i.e. the kids will come in and complain to you about him because you're there IYSWIM rather than because he's so much worse than anyone else.

Tamlin1976 · 01/10/2010 11:53

DreamTeamGirl, being a single mum must be an enormous amount of work. I know as a Mum of two (even with the support of a husband), you are always looking at what you have done or haven't done in relation to how your kids are behaving.

I think you should give yourself a well well deserved pat on the back for bringing up your child alone, and loving him, and being there for him. His behaviour is not always going to be a reflection of you - he is who he is. And you being there for him, to teach him wrong from right, and to help him when he needs reassurance and love, is all a Mom can do, no matter what the circumstances.

I hope you got to take a hot bath, have a cup of tea, and they crying helps to get all the stress out...

I think you should keep a sharp eye on your boy when with others, so you can make sure that when children do make their complaints, they are either valid and fair, or absolute nonsense. If the other kids are just making up most of the complaints, at least you can be there to back up your son. If the complaints are valid, they you are there to deal with it quickly enough.

You are doing a good job!!

Hang in there.

motovacuum · 01/10/2010 13:19

DreamTeamGirl, your son sounds like me... I used to always get in trouble for things that were often either rooted in gross motor control/ proprioception, or empathy.

Neither of these is going to be great in the average five-year-old, and as you've seen they really don't mix well with the short fuse of any five year old.

I think something that really really helped me was being praised for how good my fine motor skills were... and given the chance in play to concentrate on fine-motor stuff, reading, writing, painting, lego, meccano etc.

I know that's probably difficult when there are other kids around - particularly as such things as reading, writing and attention span are likely to be divisive for five year olds who can vs those who can't.

Is there a sport your son might be able to do that would improve his proprioception? Football comes to mind... as long as it's not in a pushy, competitive team. I did ballet for years, which clearly helped - but I think I eventually got more benefit from hockey and athletics as a teenager - being made to move my whole body quickly and very precisely, without tripping myself or others up was a challenge!

ragged · 01/10/2010 16:50

He just sounds boisterous to me, OP.
I get far worse complaints about my 6yo DS (DC3). Sometimes the comments get me down and I feel like I must have royally ballsed him up somehow ... but then why do I have 3 other DC quite close in age who get complimented for their behaviour and maturity and calmness? Some kids are just programmed to be how they are, I reckon.

I suspect you'll have to watch him more closely if you want to get on top of his behaviour, it's a shame you can't relax, but they all go thru phases where you have to suddenly revert to keeping closer tabs on them.

mumbar · 01/10/2010 17:12

I do think you hit it on the head OP with the having higher standards. This also happened to my DS when with her and her 2 DD's. She's much more laid back and imo sometimes too laid back. Whereas I would tell DS off for something he was asked not too. They picked up on this and started telling tales (al lot!)

Now I've learnt to call them all to me for a chat about what happened. At first DDs wouldn't let DS talk always he did this etc so I refused to discuss it . I would gently explain he gets his say or no-one does. Turns out most of the time it was minor stuff or he had pushed but pushed them away when snatching a toy. It's not solved but they get the point that I will ask DS what has happened and guide him about how to improve what he's doing instead of a consequence for doing it iyswim.

Sorry for the mammoth reply but I really want to to know I empathise with how your feeling as I felt the same way but it's not your fault - more likely you are doing a good job and the other DC's are aware they can get away with more. Happened at school to DS too

mumbar · 01/10/2010 17:16

Oh and OP I'm a single mum too, My DS lacks the empathy and can be annoying irritating, he would have continued to clip the toy on because he wanted to and would deem that as importantant as the girl not wanting him too iyswim.

Also the DD's in the eg above do make a mountain out of a speak of dustmole hill.

Anenome · 02/10/2010 22:20

He sounds very like a boy at my DDs school who is now in year three. Again a big boy and always but always in trouble for pushing or bossing...but very vey thoughtful and sensitive about kids who are weaker or who are having a hard time. He actually got an award for his caring nature...I think it sounds like your DD is simply a very young boy, who has yet to get used to his body and who has lost two beloved men in one year.

I think its a case of telling him how wonderful he is when he does good/kind things and trying also to not get involved in kids spats unless someone is getting hurt.

Build him up when he is caring...REALLY go overboard on how kind he is....and consider putting him in a drama club or similar where he can be free with his personality.
I am sure it is a phase and he is adjusting to the loss of his special men....good luck ...he sounds wonderful to me.

Original poster

DreamTeamGirl · 04/10/2010 10:53

Thank you all so so much for all your time and comments
I read them over the weekend and they helped more than you can possibly imagine
Going to work harder on being kind to me & DS

And Anenome, the child at your school could BE my DS- drama club sounds like a good idea- until they have 'dictator in training' club

OP posts:

ColdComfortFarm · 04/10/2010 11:01

I think you should watch the play and try to judge for yourself if he is actually hurting other kids, but for stuff like 'he dropped his cup' and 'Samuel says it is his game' I just have zero tolerance for nasty, boring, whiny tale-telling. Can't stand it in my kids (I refuse to listen) or in other kids. I actually tell play date visitors 'we don't tell tales in our house. I'm not interested'
I would say, 'I am sure you can sort it out', or 'not more tale telling!'. Some kids just love tale telling and get a real kick from trying to get other children into trouble - don't pander to it. I think you need to develop a thicker skin, and don't take your anxiety out on your son. You have to be a team, and he has to know that too. Of course that doesn't mean he can behave badly, but fundamentally, you need to be on his side.

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