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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Had a really crap day. Someone help me! :(

24 replies

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 20:58

DS almost 3.

Day started at 5am......very unlike him.
Wouldn't eat any breakfast, moody all morning wouldn't have a nap so ventured out this afternoon to toddler group. We don't often go to them as he needs lots of reminders not to get paniced and snatch etc and with a new baby its hard work.

Anyway off we go. Started well but soon lots of younger children arrived and sat on his train set, ran off with pieces the usual normal stuff. He respondes by scraeming and biting himself on his arm! :0

I took him out to calm down and after lots of crying and sorrys he wanted to go back. Same thing happens again he scatches things back gets upset...... we leave!

Nursrey say he shares really well and hsi behabious is good but he is a nightmare at toddler groups to the point I don't want to go, I just don't understand why there is a difference.....I'm now worried about school!

Get home.

We have been having food refusal since he was 1. Literally eats nothing some days. Had loads of advice etc nothing really works eh just has a tiny appitite. Now new child is sitting up to the table though its driving em mad. So this evening I got tough. If you don't have 1 spoon your not having pudding. "Ok" comes the reply, "I go now".
"Right no blanket and dummy then"

Screams for 2 hours and 10mins refuses point blank to try anything.

Sobs himself to sleep.

I feel terrible.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MmeButterfly · 30/09/2010 21:08

Oh Popcorn - sorry no advice here just wanted to reach out and let you know i'll be thinking of you. It does indeed sound like a hellish day. Hopefully you and he will get some decent quality sleep tonight and tomorrow will be better.
Best of luck x

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:11

I just want to sob :(
Thank-you MmeButterfly x

OP posts:

abr1de · 30/09/2010 21:14

Perhaps he is brewing up a cold or perhaps about to have some kind of growth spurt? It sounds as though he just couldn't help himself.

Sympathies to both of you. Chocolate is needed.

MmeButterfly · 30/09/2010 21:16

You go ahead and have a sob! Is there any chance you can get a bit of me time this weekend? Got anyone you can call upon to babysit? Maybe you could go for a coffee with a trashy magazine or get your hair done? Sometimes having something to look forward to can get you through another day x

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:17

Tomorrow is a new day.

But tomorrow, don't move the goalposts and don't threaten to take away his comfort objects. if he doesn't want to try something, leave it at no pudding. Not hungry means not hungry. It's no punishment to have your pudding taken away if you genuinely are not hungry, and he didn't care about it because he genuinely wasn't hungry, which is why he kicked off when you then introdueced an unwarned and irrelevant punishment.

I was a food refuser whose mother used to make me sit and be miserable at the table for hours on end - it just made me dread food and dread mealtimes. Remove all pressure surrounding food. He sits for 10 minutes, then if he wants to get down, the meal is over, no bribes, no bargains, no cajoling, no punishments.

As for school, he won't be going for another 2 years so that really is not an issue. I know he's 'nearly three', but really, that just means he's two. Back-peddle a year and baby him for a while.

But you know this anyway. You had a bad day, but now it is over. Have a bath and go to bed and look forward to another chance to be awesome tomorrow.

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:17

How 'normal' does this sound??
He was soooooo emotional.

OP posts:

bepi01 · 30/09/2010 21:18

I can't offer any advice either - it's so hard, so hard. I can't think that I would have done anything at all any differently. We can only be there for them but we cannot live their lives. It will pass. Get some rest, TV, wine what ever it takes. Don't know what the type thing is for a hug but I'm sending you one now!

raspberrytart · 30/09/2010 21:19

Firstly, Sorry you've had a bad day,it sounds like he is pushing the boundaries at the toddler group and as you have a new baby he is jealous.
I don't think I would worry too much about the food intake,some children live on dairylea sandwiches and kp skips! Do you offer a variety of food/sit at table etc ?
Think I would ignore the not eating thing if he's hungry he will eat and you don't want the little one to get bad feeling over meal times.
Don't think it was fair to take away dummy and blanket though-sorry. Try to relax a bit over meal times.
Don't feel terrible.
Sorry for crap advice, someone useful will be along soon

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:20

Sounds very toddlerish, and very normal. If he's still doing it when he's 9, worry then.

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:21

[major sob]
colditz I wish I had seen it from that perspective today. His comfort objects......I was way out of line wasn't I.
I just want him to be normal! I worry so much for him :(

I will try to be awesome tomorrow. My throat and head throb from so much crying.

OP posts:

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:24

He is normal, and you are normal, which is why you bang heads sometimes. My god, I had to force-dress my 4 year old thins morning, and zipped his poor little finger into his coat. I've been beating myself up all day!

Nobody is perfect. Relax. If he doesn't like toddler groups, don't bother. Do something he DOES like.

I've seen many many children grow out of exactly what your child is doing now.

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:25

His trousers around the waist are 18 months. He sleeps hours in the day normally. I really worry he is nurtrionally not getting enough. We add vitamins to his diet, we all sit together, just don't know what to do.

Toddler group is soooooo embarrising. Other parents I am sure look at me and think I'm a bad mum with a horrible child. They can be very judgy.

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peggotty · 30/09/2010 21:25

Hi Popcorn, I also had a horrendous day with my 2.8 yr old ds - He was ridiculously touchy and emotional about absolutely everything. His behaviour has been pretty awful for about a week or so, but I do think he's brewing a cold/illness of some sort. I think Colditz has given some great advice. My first thought was also that it was possibly a bit harsh to have refused him pudding and then taken his blanket and dummy away as well. It might have been better to have left it at no pudding. However I also know that it is sooo easy to get into that sort of situation with toddlers, and I have done many many things that I regret with ds, I constantly over-react!

I think your ds (and mine!) are definately within the 'normal' range of toddler behaviour, and I plan to try and lower my expectations for the foreseeable future!

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:28

how about

You decide that Tomorrow Is Not A Day For Food?

So, anything he puts in his mouth is to be ignored. Anything he DOESN'T put in his mouth is to be ignored. No food is to be discussed, in any way, and he doesn't have to even look at any food he doesn't want to. Leave some high calorie snacks lying around with "there's a snack there if you want it" and NO other comment.

Do you think that could help to bring your stress levels down?

I know you've describved him as emotional, but (and no criticism here) you've just told us your throat is raw from sobbing, you sound fairly emotional yourself.

Can you get a break? Go to the pub with a mate?

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:32

Seriously, as an ex food refuser with a very worried mother myself - drop the idea of somehow making him change his mind about food. It's not going to happen. I spent 2 years eating ONLY ketchup sandwiches in a tent up the garden because my mum just could not leave me alone at the table. Drop the subject before he gets much older.

His waist size sounds fine, both my children are in 2 years smaller than their ages, and they are both fine (ds1 is skinny but eats as much as I do). A small waist is healthy. If he has the energy to be fighting at playgroup, he is lacking NOTHING. Toddlers can live on a handful (THEIR hand!) a day.

I think you need to de-focus on him a little (because he's skinny but normal and healthy), and focus a little on your own levels of stress, which sound horrible for you.

Julezboo · 30/09/2010 21:32

No advice, but wanted to say I had a similar day with my 3 year old from 2pm-7pm he screeched, cried, screamed pretty much the whole time :( I am exhausted.

I have put it down to tiredness as hes had a few full days at nursery school this week.

Go to the pub tomorrow night and get drunk for me (im 20 weeks pregnant!)

colditz · 30/09/2010 21:33

Ds1 slept hours in the day at that age, he ate like a pig (and was still really thin)

Dione · 30/09/2010 21:35

OP, it sounds like he's coming down with something, your DC sounds just like mine when he's getting sick.

I agree with Colditz, if the situation continues as it is, try to take a step back. Try not putting him into situations that you know have the potential to upset him. He's at nursery and is doing fine there, do you think it is necessary to take him to toddler group if he gets this upset(and you along with him)? He sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance right now. Maybe you could forgo the toddler group for a while and spend the time doing one to one stuff with him in the house, just chilling and chatting and doing stuff with no other distractions.

Today has been horrible for you and you have my deepest sympathy. Do something nice for yourself, make some hot chocolate. Give yourself a big hug and get some sleep.

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:36

I really have tried so many things. We have good days where I leave things on the table, say nothing, we all sit down and he eats coming to the table freely. But his range of food is so limited so if I cook for us all its very hard. I get frustrated as he will eat pasta at nursery, not at home.
I will totally ignore the situation tomorrow. Friends say I should insist he says for 10mins??? Some say he shouldn't get pudding, some say naughty step if he doesn't have one spoonful. I am so confused but I just don't want DC2 to do this too!!

Most of all though all I want is a happy child who is more chilled out in certain situations. I would like to chill too, but I have to be over him all the time at toddler groups to stop him lashing out. He is a joy when out and about with friends....there is just something about toddler group.

Pub sounds fab. Have a spa day coming up.....couldn't come soon enough after today!!

Your all so lovely, feel better already. Thank-you for replys.

OP posts:

Original poster

yummypopcorn · 30/09/2010 21:41

Julezboo I will indeed have a glass for you! x

OP posts:

booksgalore · 30/09/2010 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandaEis · 30/09/2010 21:44

popcorn sorry you had a bad day hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

on a more constructive note... have you spoken to his nursery about the behaviour? as in is there anything they do that you may be able to adopt? maybe start going to the playgroup but avoid the toys that other children seem to take pieces of?? like trainsets etc. maybe try a different group? i went to a bookstart group in the local library which is a singing and craft group and DD really enjoyed it they had lots of books to read and songs to sing and made cards etc

it does sound as if he might be coming down with something if this behaviour is out of character.

LBsmum · 30/09/2010 21:48

it sounds like he was very tired today, and perhaps reacting in a funny way to becoming a big brother, my ds acted out in most percular ways when dd came along ie not how you would think.

ds is also a faddy eater and i apprecaite how stressful it can be, my advice ( which is the approach i now take) would be to try and take a huge step back from the 'food issue' and to try and neutralise food and mealtimes by not discussing, gadgolling (can't spell it), telling off, praising etc. he clearly wants to be in control of his eating and you should let him have that, a GP once told me you can't make them eat or sleep

second the advice re leaving snacks around - this lets him eat on his terms

hope you have a better day tomorrow, sod the playgroups and head for the park or have a cbeebies day cuddled on the sofa

WriterofDreams · 30/09/2010 21:50

I agree with the other posts about food. I know it's horrible and worrying when a child won't eat but if your DS sees how worried you are about it it'll only make it worse. He'll eat when he's hungry.

My little cousin was a terrible eater and his mother was in bits about it. I looked after him for a summer and she was absolutely gobsmacked at the amount of food he used to eat for me. I think he was more likely to come and ask for food from me because he knew it wouldn't be a big deal, whereas with his mum food was far too much of an emotional battleground.

Having said that I would definitely say don't give him dessert if he doesn't eat dinner. Don't make it a big deal just say "if you're not hungry for dinner then you mustn't be hungry for dessert. Dessert comes after dinner." No fight, just facts. The reason I'd recommend that is so that he doesn't learn to fill up on sweets, as this could give him bad habits.

IMO a child should never be forced to eat. It'll only make food more of an issue.

As for everything else, sounds like he was just having an off day. We all have them but a 3 year old can't deal with it at all so they just flip out!

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