making friends at pre-school

[lecce]

I am getting worried about ds's social skills. He is 3.6 and for the last 6 months or so has shown an interest in playing with other children in parks etc. Occasionally he has managed to hook up with someone on the same wave-length and it hs been lovely to see them playing, though it's been a bit hit and miss but I thought that was normal for his age.

Unfortunately there is no one we see regularly with a child of the same age so his only chance to socialise is parks and pre-school. He goes to pre-school 3 afternoons a week and it is attached to the nursery he has attended for 1 day a week since he was 1.

As a baby/toddler he loved it there and when they first moved him up to pre-school (last Christmas) he absolutely adored it and was so excited every day he went there. Then, some time in the spring, this changed and he started saying he didn't like it and especially that he doesm't like the children. I also started to notice that he is very seldom playing with children when I arrive and is alone or with staff. He never cries about going but is never happy either and always says he doesn't like it.

Also, he seems to have stopped trying to socialise in parks and has said that children don't want him to join in before he has even tried, making me think he may be basing this on experiences he's had at nursery.

DH spoke to them at nursery today and they said he is an 'observer' who plays mainly alone. Shouldn't they be helping him mix more? He is very chatty and out-going with adults and was starting to enjoy other kids too, why has this stopped? I don't know if I am being pfb but I feel they are labelling him a loner and this does not ring true to me.

I'm sorry this is so long, I don't really know what's relevant and what's not but would love some advice.

I have exactly the same worries about my DS, who is 3.11. I have no idea what to do about it.

my dc's preschool suggests to parents if they think 2 children are getting on well, and suggest a lunch/ playdate for the parents! I'd suggest asking your son's preschool, and making an effort with one child at a time, and get the parents around too. I think it's too young to leave them to it, and friendships need loads of encouragement.

I had the same with DD when she was 3.3 and started nursery.My DD was not mixing and played by herself all the time. The teacher there who was fab decided to "pair up" children of a similar nature and it worked fantastically well. She became far more confident with children and adults. I also invited the girl she had been paired up with to tea which seemed to cement the friendship. I also was lucky to have a park near to me which a few of the nursery children went to after school and we used to go there which helped.
I have recently moved area and have had to start her at a new pre-school and was worried sick the same would happen again, that she would stand on the sidelines etc. So I mentioned it to the staff and kept mentioning it. I have been lucky that her growing confidence has helped this time but they have also given her a gentle push to join in aswell. Hope this helps it is a very stressful time, I seem to spend all time worried and or guilty.

Thank you all for your replies.

Buzzing - sorry to hear you're going through the same. Do you mind me asking whether there is anything you have tried so far?

G - That sounds like a great idea about pairing them up. Can I ask whether the nursery did this 'off their own backs' or did it happen as a result of you raising your concerns?

Thanks again

We try to be positive about other people, as DS tends to be quite negative about other children, and takes everything personally and remembers FOREVER! I am forever saying 'it was an accident, he didn't mean it' and ' so-and-so is a nice boy' but to no avail.

Lecce - Nursery did this on their own, we had a wonderful teacher. I had kept asking how she was but was told she was fine, turns out she wasn't. I think they were waiting for her to come out of her shell and didn't want to worry me. Luckily the teacher decided to pair her and a few others up. Wether my constant asking had anything to do with it I don't know.
My view now is to keep asking quetsions if my gut tells me to. All children are different and some, like mine need a little help with making friends. Once she had a friend she was a changed little girl, and I was a very relieved mummy. I think all this comes from me being a very shy child and feeling always on the outside when I was growing up. I would love DD not to have to feel like that. I understand she is shy and quiet but also know that a very gentle push can sometimes be a godsend. Good luck

I have the same problem but in a different way.........if that makes any sense.

My DD is 'overally' friendly and most children don't like it. She's ok with younger and older children but not really with children her own age. It breaks my heart when she get's rejected and i'm sorry to say that happens alot. She is nearly 4 and still hasn't made any really friends. It really does hurt. However, if you're happy with his other development and so are pre school then i'm sure it's just something that will eventually come.

My situation is a bit different as my DD may have aspergers which would affect her social skills. I'm certainly not suggesting your ds has anything like this. I'm suggesting he's probably just shy. :)

Well, my DS was in a pre-school which initially he loved. At around age 3 he suddenly withdrew and wouldn't interact with anyone there. This was at odds with what we observed at parks, soft-play etc where he seemed to make friends easily. At our gym he happily runs off with whatever pack of children are playing.

His pre-school seemed pretty passive about it all. They didn't seem to want to encourage him to play with others and he got increasingly unhappy.

Anyway, we decided, after much thought, to move him to a different pre-school and he is like a different child. He is engaged, joins in, talks about friends and I feel far more confident about leaving him somewhere where he is happy.

I have a feeling it came down to the individual children at his old pre-school. I think they just didn't gel as a group. That's life, isn't it? It was a pretty small group of children, sometimes only around 8 or 9 of them. His new pre-school is much bigger so more scope for developing friendships.