Separation anxiety..help!

[sarahel]

Hi

My 2yr old son is extremely clingy and doesn't like me leaving the room. He is generally happy when I am around, but if I leave the room he sobs.

He and his twin brother have just started playgroup where I leave them for 2 hours, twice a week..in theory. The carers have phoned me each session after half an hour to ask me to return as he has been so unhappy. I have tried saying goodbye to him and also sneaking out but it makes no difference.

I have no-one to leave the my son with for "practice runs", apart from my husband. When my husband has one to one time with my son at the wknds, he spends much of the time asking for me.

Do you think he will grow out of this soon? I don't know what to do about the playgroup.

Thanks for your help.

Hi there my youngest child was just the same and I had the same issue with several playgroups. I actually stopped going which was the wrong thing to do in the end. We had continuing problems all the way through infant school and eventually had to seek help from GP and then Child and family counselling which did work but took an awful long time and made starting school etc a total trauma for the whole family.
Just going on my experience Stick with it NOW so as not to store up future problems- I totally understand how difficult it is to leave when they are in distress and to be called by the playgroup to collect them. have you spoken to your health visitor ?? Have you tried different playgroups ?? Also when you and your husband are both around ,try to not give in and do everything with/for your little one, let your husband do as much as poss but let your little one know that Daddy will/can help
Good Luck Stay strong it will pay off :)

can you stay at the playgroup for a few sessions so he gets used to the new setting and the carers, play near him (with the other children) but not with him so he gets used to the other grown ups. Start off by going to the loo and then build up your absences slowly. The other thing is to read stories and do role play at home of people leaving and coming back

I think it's very understandable to be upset if the person you rely upon for almost all of your emotional and material needs goes missing suddenly, and I would try to see your son's behaviour as a normal recognition of how important you are to him!

My son is also very clingy (aged 26 months) and although I appreciate Uncool's experience I don't think all clingy 2-year-olds end up with problems starting school. My feeling about my son is that different children are ready to separate at different ages and that I would prefer to be led by him rather than push independence on him before he is ready. Two is still young to be left in a playgroup, particularly as I assume that isn't a setting where he knows any of the adults well or has an alternative attachment figure?

I think maturity varies hugely at this age - we go to a dance class where parents are expected to wait outside, and whilst my friend's daughter aged 25 months strides in there and is completely at ease, my son has a crying fit when I even suggest that I am going to wait outside, and even when I come in with him clings to my knees for most of the session. My approach has been to decide that at the moment he still needs me (or someone else) to be a 'secure base' and to know that I am there, and that in time he will be able to internalise that for himself and to become independent. My fear is that if I force it on him now by leaving him when he feels unsure, he may learn to cope in the short term by shutting down his emotions which wouldn't be healthy in the long term - rather like some young children have to do in boarding schools.

Having said that, this doesn't mean that I won't leave if he's a bit upset when I go, but if he is continuously distressed for more than about 5 mins after I have left then I probably would wait quite a while before leaving him again.

Also, I never sneak out - we had a really bad experience when I did once and he spent the next few days constantly checking where I was in case I did it again - when I leave I am very clear that I am leaving and that I will come back again, even if it makes him upset to know that I am leaving.

Is there any alternative way you could leave him if you really need to do it? We have found that being left with another adult he knows is far easier than any kind of group setting.