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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How set is their personality by the time they're 5?

19 replies

sethstarkaddersmum · 28/09/2010 15:02

Looking for reassurance here really....

5 yo DD is very hard work; drama queen, very touchy, no perseverance but gives up at the slightest difficulty, incapable of seeing things from anyone else's perspective (eg sharing - if she doesn't get what she wants it's 'not fair'). She also does naughty things even when she knows they're naughty, ie repeats the same naughty things despite explanations and sanctions. DH is convinced she's going to not get anywhere in life and end up a depressive due to her flawed personality .
To which I reply, 'Oh, come on, she's five - a lot of this stuff is just being five'.

but we also have a ds1 who is sunny, determined, reasonable, picks his battles and thinks logically; sometimes he is naughty but generally it's because he doesn't realise it's wrong (eg flushing hairbrush down toilet thinking I can get it out from the manhole in the road, then telling me helpfully where it is). He can share; he
He's 3.5 but generally seems older than her.

so what are that chances that she will change? Because the existence of ds1 kind of undermines my argument that it's just her being five

and I don't want dh to go on believing all this negative stuff about her because it seems so likely it will become self-fulfilling.

anecdotes please.....

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webwiz · 28/09/2010 15:56

Well you probably won't want to hear my anecdotes so I'll just say that DD1 is 19 now! but its precisely those "negative" characteristics that mean she completely knows her own mind and you just could not push her into a direction she doesn't want to go. She was difficult but its precisely that "feistyness" that is an asset as she goes into adulthood (I wish I had a bit more of it myself instead of being such a people pleaser)

Not sure how you can change your DH's attitude but I think it means she'll go far in life rather than the opposite

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmum · 28/09/2010 16:05

thanks Webwiz.
that is very helpful actually - the idea of looking for the good side of particular character traits rather than hoping they'll go away is something I hadnt thought of.

at the moment she is a successful negotiator because she never gives an inch.... a career in estate agency perhaps?

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 28/09/2010 16:17

The Jesuits used to say "Show me the child of 7 and I'll show you the man" - I thought about this a lot with ds1, who was a big handful at 5 and a much more reasonable person at 7 . . .

However, I'd agree with Webwiz that whatever their personality, with lots of love and patience, it can be turned to be something really positive.

(Personally, I also think that a lot of personality is defined by where you are in the family too. My ds2 is so much more laid back too, but then I think it is much easier being number two, and having an older sibling to watch/copy/follow etc. Number ones have to do all the groundbreaking stuff, and learn to share too, whereas with no 2 sharing has to be part of life from day 1)

Gretl · 28/09/2010 16:20

I think it was "Give me a child until he is 7 and I will give you the man" which is a totally different thing!!

rabbitstew · 28/09/2010 18:11

Blimey - how would your dh have felt to be told he was a fatally flawed personality at the age of 5?! Because if your dh truly believes that (rather than getting exasperated occasionally, which happens to everyone!!!), then everything he ever does with her says it, too - it doesn't have to be verbally expressed. And people do tend to live down to expectations. I think Webwiz says very wise words: most personality types have a positive side to them, even if some are easier to live with than others. So, try to temper the less appealing aspects of her behaviour, but don't reject her whole personality as flawed, as if made to feel positive about herself, rather than constantly undermined by comparisons with her angelic brother, she might actually learn how to control her behaviours in a positive way without losing all self esteem in the process. In other words, keep perservering and try to be patient - there's a lovely little girl in there somewhere!!!!

verytellytubby · 28/09/2010 20:12

What does she like? I'm having much the same problem with one of my twins, also 5. One twin is very sunny, determined and won't ever give up until he's succeeded. The other twin is very lazy, won't do an activity unless he can do it (but because he won't try, it's a vicious circle), stubborn and generally very naughty.

He loves to draw and it's one area he's much better than his brother so we've been encouraging him loads. He seems to be thriving on the attention. I think your DH should look at her positive traits.

cory · 28/09/2010 20:46

Dd very much drama queen at 5, but I would say that it is precisely those aspects that are good for her as a teen: the passion, the sensitivity.

Ds was a sunny placid gentle 5yo, but at 10 he is quite an angry young man, and very negative. I hope he will grow out of it.

I was incredibly bossy when I was 5, don't think I'm too bad now.

winnybella · 28/09/2010 20:52

DS was quite negative, melodramatic and prone to arguing at 5, actually even few months ago. Now at almost 9 he's becoming more pleasant, communicates much better and is generally a joy to be around. So perhaps those characteristics that give you so much grief now might evolve into a milder versions iyswim.

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmum · 29/09/2010 10:10

thanks all.
Rabbitstew - exactly! I hate the idea that he has negative expectations as surely that's the most likely thing to lead to a negative outcome. And of course he doesn't say anything, but she is pretty sharp about what people are thinking.

OP posts:

DelGirl · 29/09/2010 10:17

I have one just the same, in fact i have posted this morning about her. lots of people have said she will go far in life, when she was just about 18months/2, the nursery owner said she's probably be a union rep or politician lol, just shows how long it's been going on for. totally knackering now though, isn't it. My sister actually said to me, she reminded her of that girl in BB, can't remember her name, outspoken blonde girl who had a thing with Pete, the guy with Torretts (sp) and she is

jumpingbeans · 29/09/2010 10:19

I forgot my glasses this morning, when I read the op the ? looked like a 7, I thought bloody hell, what sort of question is that.

She is still a baby, she has only been here for 60 months, [ my mum used to say that to me when I was tearing my hair hair out when my 5yr old was being a royal pain] and sometimes when they are the eldest we can perhaps expect to much from them.

rabbitstew · 30/09/2010 07:42

Oooh. I've just thought of something to rile your dh... By being so negative about his dd, he is rejecting half his own genes - and it sounds as though the genes he objects to come from his side of the family:

your dd is a "drama queen" and "very touchy" - it's a bit OTT to be convinced she's going to end up depressive as a result of her flawed personality, so your dh is clearly being a bit of a drama queen himself, here;
"no perseverance but gives up at the slightest difficulty" - what does your dh think he's doing by saying he thinks his dd is doomed to failure?;
"incapable of seeing things from anyone else's perspective" - well, he doesn't exactly try to see things from his dd's 5-year old perspective, does he? Because he can't bend her to his own will, he rejects her personality because he has a hard time seeing things any way other than his own...

So maybe you could suggest your dh inspect his own personality before he trashes your dd's...

PeterTong · 30/09/2010 07:43

my three are NOTHING like their 5 yr old selfs.

pthey ar emuch worse

rabbitstew · 30/09/2010 07:45

ps does depression run in your dh's family? Maybe he's paranoid because she's too much like him????... In which case, all the more reason to bolster her self esteem in childhood so that she can cope better in adulthood!

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmum · 30/09/2010 09:01

LOL Rabbitstew.

No, dh as a child was like ds1.
I was like dd apparently (dh said to my mum 'I don't understand dd! I've never met anyone like her!' and my mother said 'Oh, you haven't met SSM then')

OP posts:

rabbitstew · 30/09/2010 11:08

Well, look at which of you grew up with better understanding of and sympathy for other peoples' weaknesses!

Rainbowbubbles · 01/10/2010 14:16

My daughter was like that she just mellowed out at 5 but still fiesty

I asked her teacher at the time what she was like at school and was told she was an angel...so why does she grow horns and a fork when she comes home i asked? teacher said it's normal her kids did the same!

Anyway, i bet your dd is very intelligent with it too! Mine sticks up for her older step sister who is 8 - if anyone upsets her or picks on her she'll go for them ha ha!

My dh used to say what yours does and is now eating his words

She sounds like a great little leader!

chickbean · 02/10/2010 21:01

My mum says that every child has their difficult period - mine was the terrible twos, my brother's was his teens - she says it's a lot easier if they have it when they are younger. I'm worried about my husband having a midlife crisis - according to my MIL he's not had his difficult period yet

taffetacat · 02/10/2010 21:10

op - totally agree with the comments about changing your mindset on your DD, frame it in the positive instead.

My mother ( 40 years as a teacher and education welfare officer so pretty experienced ) told me once that challenging children make interesting adults.

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