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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

DS hates being praised

13 replies

cumulonimbus · 28/09/2010 11:55

My DS aged nearly 6 can't stand being praised. He is super-sensitive about being patronised, and that seems to be how he interprets it if I say anything nice to him. I definitely don't shower him with praise - in fact I hardly pay him any compliments any more because of his reaction! Which seems a bit sad, and it makes it hard to follow all the advice to parents about reinforcing good behaviour, building self esteem etc etc. Has anyone else experienced this, and any advice?

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maktaitai · 28/09/2010 11:57

Bumping for you. sounds like a tough one.

Could you maybe ask him 'how do you feel about it' when he's done something good?

booyhoo · 28/09/2010 12:03

i felt like that as a child, in fact still now as an adult i can't take a compliment. i don't know why, i think part of it for me was that when my mum or dad did it i knew it wasn't natural for them to do it and it was part of a conscious effort to improve my behaviour. it wasn't coming across as them actually thinking i did something good more that the book said they should praise IYSWIM. not sure if its the same for your son.

booyhoo · 28/09/2010 12:04

i felt like i was being 'worked on' if that explains it a bit better.

MrsDoofenshmirtz · 28/09/2010 12:08

There is a helpful chapter about praise in this book

GooseyLoosey · 28/09/2010 12:08

Dd (just 6) is like this. She also doesn't like me using my pet names for her when I have just told her off as she says I don't mean them then.

I have explained to her that I like telling her when she has done something that is good. It is important to me as a mother that she understands I am proud of her. I have agreed explicitly with her when she finds praise acceptable and when she does not.

The gist of where we got to is that general statements like "that's great" are not appreciated. Specific statements like "I think that the colours you used in that picture are good, I especially like the way you have done the trees" are much better - she does not feel that these are just going through the motions.

booyhoo · 28/09/2010 12:11

goosey that is it!! my parents were going through the motions. if they had said something like, " i thought you spoke very well at your poem recital" rather than "you were great"

Gipfeli · 28/09/2010 12:13

Does it depend on what you're praising him for? Maybe it would be ok if you were praising him for something that he considered to be difficult or that he felt required a lot of effort? This may not necesasrily be the same things that you think of as being difficult.

A previous boss of mine was fond of making extravagant gestures (chocolates, champagne) for things that were to me as natural as breathing. I didn't want to be told "well done" for something that I just saw as part of my job, and that I was easily able to do. It made me think either "well she has really low expectations if that's something she considers to be good" or "god, I must be really crap if she feels necessary to reward me being average". It had the opposite effect from that which she intended. My best ever boss was very good at recognising what I had struggled with and giving me feedback about how I'd handled it. Much more motivating.

Or could it be to do with being at the centre of attention. Another example from my work life - we had a thing where people were recognised in department meetings for "good" things they had done. I would have hated it had anyone thought fit to mention my work in that context. Good boss knew this and thanked me in private and told me what a difference it had made to her which is what mattered to me.

thisisyesterday · 28/09/2010 12:22

cumulonimbus... google alfie kohn and have a read of some of his stuff... your ds might appreciate it!!

he basically condones a style of parenting/way of life where we DON'T praise our children

my ds1 is very much like yours. and AK's explanation of it makes a lot of sense to me

say he does something at school and brings it home, i think it's great and say "wow ds1, that's a really great picture, well done" or whatever
now... HE may not think it's great. in fact it may not have come out how he wanted it to. he might be thinking "this picture is ok, but i really wish i had got the legs right"

by praising we are saying "ds1, your picture is exactly how I want it to be". He doesn't think it is worthy of praise (or so much praise) and reacts to that... why am i saying it is good when it isn't?

if, on the other hand, I say something like "ds1, I see you did some painting at school today!" he can then tell me himself whether he thinks it's worthy of praise by saying "yeah, i love my picture", or not by saying "it's ok, but the legs didn't turn out how i wanted"

thisisyesterday · 28/09/2010 12:24

oh and also, it can happen if you give a lot of praise for something they find very easy

so a "well done, you got really good results in your maths test" can be taken badly because they might be thinking "well, yeh, it was easy... why are you praising me" and to take it even furhter i guess it could be construed as "they thought i wouldn't do well, that's why they're so pleased"

and as we don't know how easy or hard they found something, or whether or not they think it turned out well our well-meaning praise can end up not really being praise at all

Othersideofthechannel · 28/09/2010 16:43

I am sure simply taking an interest in a child's activities and recognising their achievements in the ways others have already suggested (rather than applying a positive judgement) is enough to build self-esteem.

PotKettleBlack · 28/09/2010 16:46

I am no expert on this, but have read that sometimes praising your child to someone else (eg their dad, or granny) when you "think" the child is out of earshot is a good way of communicating praise. obviously you shouldn't do it too much or in a fake way, but if they just happen to overhear you telling someone else how well they did something, that can feel more valid than being told it directly.

Gretl · 28/09/2010 16:52

Oh I have one like this! He has never really enjoyed being praised, and in fact has occasionally reacted with violence when a toddler and once quite recently.

It made all the stuff about positive parenting quite hard when he was very little. Praise the good, ignore the bad is all very well when praising the good doesn't actually lead directly onto the bad...

We try to let him overhear us talking about his good points, about good work he's done - especially as now he is into the years of "I'm a rubbish boy" (I rather suspect he has learned this from one particular boy in class ) and I am loath to react to that with extravagant amounts of contradiction and attention, in case it becomes a habit.

Sometimes I say eg "I was thinking about the good things I saw you do for your friend the other day" and let him know that positive acts aren't forgotten.

Incidentally, I was watching DH get congratulated by his mum on a promotion recently, and he is exactly the same! I might be quite similar. I was told by an older person I admired, when I was 15, that I had to learn to take a compliment because when it's rebuffed, the person giving it gets hurt, and I took his advice and learned a repertoire of gracious responses. I manage 80% of the time but sometimes forget.

Original poster

cumulonimbus · 03/10/2010 19:37

Thanks everyone, that's really interesting and helpful.

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