Emotional DS aged 8, who beats me up

[MrsOWilson]

I am a single mum, who shares custody of our ds. I get on well with his father however I get a lot for grief emotionally and physically from DS. The other day he threatened me with a pair of scissors about 10 mins after he had thrown punches at my head. He has always been an emotional type HOWEVER he does NOT do this at his fathers. When he calms down and we talk about it (often he has no recolection of what he has done and how he has hurt me) he just wants to make sure that I don't tell his dad. I am scared that this will only escalate and that he will see beating up a woman who he loves (as he is always telling me this) as the norm.

School are aware of how emotional he is as he has 'lost it' once and are keen to help but DS refuses to let his dad get involved so at the moment I have promised that we will try to work it out without dad being involved. I just don't know what to do for the best and how to handle it. Have to admit that this latest explosion had me worndering whether I should hit back, but I couldn't do it.

That sounds dreadful.

Have you spoken to a GP about this? Am wondering if your ds should see a behavioural psychologist, or get some other referral.

Does your ds really not remember? Or do you think he is so shocked/ashamed that he pretends not to?

Why does he not want his dad to be told?

What happens when your ds calms down? Do you discuss it? Are there consequences?

Have you noticed any patterns to this behaviour - what triggers it, how it escalates, etc.

Does your ds watch violent telly, movies, video games, etc? Has he witnessed any violence at home? Has anyone been violent toward him?

Lots of questions..........

Sound awful and def not 'normal' unless he has experienced hostility around him ... which sounds unlikely from what you say. I would talk to my GP at this stage without him being there and see what they recommend. Doing any referral via your GP will be much quicker then going thru school ... they take ages. It's even more worrying he's saving this for you and if it's not stopped he will get older, bugger and stronger and then it could be very serious. God luck.

Ooops ! meant bigger even if he may be a little bugger

Have been there myself. My son did this from about age5/6-12/13 also my brother and some children I babysat for.Have even had knives pulled on me.Heres what worked for me
Limit all computerized gaming time inc content
If he grabs weapon such as knife remove the threat by saying something along the lines of
"And-you have a knife,so what" (sounds crazy but you have to show as little fear of the weapon as possible as then in his head is no longer worth threatening you)
Hold him so that his arms are crossed in front and facing away and repeat into his ear in as loving a tone as possible
"I love you so much,I love you more than anything in the world"
Learn what triggers his tantrums(this is what they are even though they are extreme)
and avoid where possible
Make an agreed list of house rules with him and display where they can be seen(this should include a list of expected chores as emotional children need to be needed and chores help with this)
As the mum you will always be main target but it can get better I promise.My son is now 16 and is a kind young man he's not perfect and there are days when he can get up my nose and he still has a temper problem but we helped him find ways to vent his anger such as letting him run to a place not far from the house but far enough that he had some breathing space and punching the living daylights out of pillows.
Also if try not to watch things like the news around him.I found that my son was worse if he saw news or even adverts about suffering etc so have developed an auto-pilot that means I turn these adverts etc over.
Emotional children seem to have a strong sense of responsability toward others and get frustrated that they are powerless to do something. Your son may have seen bullying at school been bullied or something to that effect which can cause him to act out
Sorry long answer but know how little info there is to be found unless you look at specific disorders which is a minefield in itself
Hope some of this helps

Thank you for all the advise. When he is with me I am anal about DS going to bed on time, very rarely plays on the computer and if he does it is only educational games or club penguin! We have a wii, but again the games are played rarely and are just sporting ones and even though he has a nintendods again it is just games suitable for his age.

Thanks for the suggestion singingmum about what he sees on tv, he is very sensitive to what happens to other people. His teacher has said that he asks some really philosophical questions but is emotionally too poor to process the answers, if that makes sense.

My problem is that at his dads he stays up late and I am pretty sure that he is exposed to a number of less savoury aspects of film/life etc. DS is worried about dads smoking, and in fact got him a fake cigarette thing for fathers day. If I have a glass of wine or beer with a meal DS checks that it is no alcohol!! He's never seen me have more than 1 drink (not a huge fan of it)but has said that he has seen photos of me drunk! Assume that these are at dads and from when I was much, much younger.

In the summer he had a massive blow and I physically restrained him, and we have discovered that this does get the paddy over with quicker, it's just a question of being able to grab him quick enough. During that occassion he bit me on my wrist and I do beleive he had no idea what he had done because when he asked if he had hurt me and I showed him my wrist he burst into tears.

This latest do was kicked off my doing homework! We had talked about when things go carzy and one of them is when homework needs to be done. He had 2 parts and completed one without too much problem, but then the second part was too much.

DS says he doesn't want his dad to know because 'he'd batter me'. When I've asked about it he just says that he would clip him round the ear. I'm reluctant to go to gp as last time I went (DS wrote on the back of a card that he wanted to commit suicide, when he was 6)dad accused me of being like the modern media dragging up gossip that didn't need dragging up. It turns out that children who live down the road (at dads) had lost their dad (suicide) and he felt sorry for them, but I am not sure. Any way as I get on with dad I don't want to rock the boat, even thought I know I need to do what it best for DS.

Thank you for all your ideas and support, will keep working at it. x

Is it possible that his father is beating him? I think you do need to explore this business of not wanting his dad told about the violent tantrums, because if his dad is hitting him then a) well, there's your explanation for the problem and b) it needs to be dealt with immediately.

er i think it definitely sounds like his father may be playing some part in this.

You need to take action now or the repercussions for all of you could get far, far worse.

Speak to the SENCO at school as a first port of call and tell him/her everything, including what he said about his father battering him. Better to rock the boat now than sink beneath a tidal wave in the years to come.