ADHD - Just diagnosed - any tips

[Jillxx]

My 6 yr old girl has now been officially diagnosed with ADHD, she is on 1 Methlphenidate 5mg tablets 3 times a day. She has been on the tablets now since April, her attention span and willingness to learn has improved lots, also she is alot calmer but she does still have angry outbursts etc...is this usual? How do you know what to punish and what to let go? Have been checking out the internet for advice etc but there are so many differing views. If I ignore a lot of the bad behaviour then surely she will never learn right from wrong and that what I say must carry some weight as I am the Adult - although I sometimes wonder!?! Also how do I encourage my husband to believe the diagnosis?He works full time and when home does not give as much attention as I feel suits, he has not been behind me in the 4 years I have been going to different health professionals trying to find answers and now he is sceptical and believes she is spoilt and naughty and just needs stricter discipline but throughout her childhood so far I like to think of myself as having been firm but fair and consistant, I do believe the diagnosis how do I make him?Any ideas, tips, etc please forward them on as I feel very alone on this at the mo. and nervous that I inadvertantly could make things worse by not doing something I should or by doing something I shouldn't. Please help!

Jillxx, I read your message earlier in the day but couldn't think what to say to you. Now I'm about to leave work, just thought I say sorry you're having a hard time. It's such a shame your husband isn't more behind you on this. It's so easy to have differng views on discipline when one of you isn't around as much as the other. Has he spoken to your daughter's doctor as well?

It sounds like there's a lot a questions going around in your head. You could try posting something in the 'ask the experts' section.

Best wishes.

I was just about to say there was another thread on ADHD but you have obviously read this already.
I still don't know an awful lot about this subject but surely your daughter must have 'classic' symptoms that were diagnosed and your husband must notice that her play and concentration is different.

Is your daughter very tall and slightly overweight (the only reason I ask is that I have noticed that this seems to be the case in the children I know that have been diagnosed with this problem and don't know if there is a connection in some way?)

I can't offer more advice, sorry.

Have just remembered something, a friend whose son was diagnosed was receiving benefits for him (disability benefit?)so that she could spend it on taking him swimming or so he could do sports to help wear him out.

Rhiannon & Tigermoth - thanks for the messages, in answer to your comments, no she is the shortest bar on the doctor's height chart for acceptable for her age and also she is two lines on the chart underweight on the doctors chart - very disconcerting as I am trying to in effect fatten up my daughter and husband who loses weight without trying (sickening!!) while I am calorie counting to lose weight. Fun eh?
Yes I have heard of the Disability Benefit and actually have a claim form waiting to be filled in. Thing is though that so many questions on it are very difficult to answer exactly as the form covers people up to the age of 16 and some questions, the answers agree and disagree. To be honest I do not feel I will qualify as to most of the questions I feel I should put not applicable. They ask things like, do they need encouragement to eat / go to bed / do teeth etc? My daughter is my eldest so I have no other 6 year old to compare with for in 'normal' circumstances, an average 6 yr old I should imagine still needs some encouragement. I am taking my time doing the form as I do not want to be accused of doing a false statement etc...
My husband refuses to see the doctor as does not feel it necessary, neither would he go to a once a month support group, not even 1 time, feels it is going 'overboard' as it is not 'that serious'!
I feel he has forgotten the really bad times before April when the tablets started and has now got used to this present life which is 80% better.I have told him to take a week off work then take her off the tablets when I am not there and rediscover why she needs help. He did not take me up on it though! - Thanks for the advice, if you think of anything else please add more messages.

Jillxx, Sorry to hear your husband is being so uncooperative. I does make me cross when I read things like this, though I suppose he has his reasons.

Hope you attend the support group, anyway. Later on he may come along. Mu husband can at times be a very stubborn person and act 'in denial'. If I ignore it and go my own way, he sometimes comes round to my way of thinking - and even if he doesn't, at least I am following my own feelings.

I can also see how difficult it must be to determine what is normal naughty behavour in your daughter, and what is not. My oldest son is very lively and can be very naughty. Now that I have another son, I can see first hand that naughty-ness comes in so many different shapes and forms!

Good luck -and keep posting.

Tigermoth - I did go to the support group and I am glad I did. There were none of the usual tuttings from other parents when my children played noisily, no critical looks about what I was saying as they all were in the same boat just at varying degrees. They have lent me a book and I have told them I will definately go back in September (the meetings are the 3rd Saturday of each month) and I will. I am glad my husband is not the only stubborn denying one, mine is very sceptical and basically will not believe a word I or anyone says on the matter. He believes or states it is bad behaviour and will not make allowances for the tantrums etc. It upsets me as I am with them full time and I am making a determined effort to stay calm, and to try and distinguish what could and could not be occuring due to ADHD regarding behaviour. He comes in from work and within minutes, seconds even, all my hard work is for nothing. I now try to give my daughter all my attention (obviously including my youngest also!) throughout the day and find with 1 2 1 or 1 2 2 attention being given she is a different child, it seems the worse behaviour comes when not being stimulated and given attention to. Bedtimes are still manic, midnight is usually when I say to her for the last time to go to sleep, as that is when I go to bed. I am hoping my youngest does not have ADHD, but she is now 41/2yrs old and is showing some of my elder daughters behaviour traits but thankfully not the anger!! I think they said she has a 30% chance of having it as she is a sibling. Fingers crossed she doesn't have it!
Any more comments please keep 'em posted.
Thanks for all the support so far, it is nice being able to talk / well type with someone who understands - if you like Tigermoth, I could give you my email address and we could be ADHD buddies!?! Let me know.

Jillxx, Glad you went to the support group (was it the firt time?). It must be very useful to meet other parents of ADHD children and meet the children for yourself. Hopefully over time it will give you a clearer idea of what is ADHD behviour and what is just 6-year old naughtyness. I imagine just reading up on it isn't enough. It's so difficult to decribe behaviour accurately, isn't it?

I have no first-hand knowledge of ADHD. My son, though lively, hasn't got it as far as I know.
However,I suppose one reason we tolerate his behavour is because we feel he will grow out of it. And he is gradually calming down.The difference in his behaviour between five-and-a-half and seven is quite marked.

I was a petty lively child ( though quite obedient).My husband was very lively and constantly got told off for being the class clown
at school. He grew out of it. He thinks our oldest son is quite like him - so does my husband's mother. So in that way his behavour is seen as perfectly normal in our family.

Am I right in thinking that ADHD can be hereditory, though? I'm just wondering if your daughter's behaviour mirrors your husband's behavour as a child - accepted at the time and seen as normal by his parents. I could be totally off the mark, so please excuse me. It just struck me that this might be why your husband is in denial and refuses to find out more about the condition.

My lunch hour is ending..must go. Bye for now. Tigermoth

Tigermoth - yes it was my first time at the support group and yes it was very helpful and informative. Yes ADHD is meant to be very likely to have been passed on through genes and my husband when he was a child, I have been told, had mild dyslexia. I feel he sees the fact our daughter has ADHD as a failure / embarressment.Charming eh? Also he is in denial I feel as it is not a visible illness and also other peoples reactions to the term ADHD, they are a lot of non believers. I read recently that the punishments and routines you try with a non ADHD kid will never work with an ADHD kid. That is what I am trying to do now, re-educate my parenting approach. I am finding that keeping her stimulated is helping the behaviour but is is so dificult financially and very tiring as all I do with my eldest I have to be able to do with my other daughter and the age gap hasn't shortened enough yet for some activities.
At least when they return to school it will break up the day and she thrives in the school environment, luckily! Also it is a new school which states education a top priority - unlike her last school which we have transferred from - they were useless and I feel let my daughter down.
Thanks for keeping in contact...much appreciated

Jillxx. Hi! The new term begins soon - are you counting the days? Isn't it a very hopeful sign that your daughter thrives at school?

I'm now away for a little while. Hope you get some time to relax over the bank holiday.

Bye for now,
Tigermoth

Tigermoth - Thanks for the message - hope you had a great time away over the Bank Holiday. It was my birthday on the 26th and my hubby took me out for a meal without the kids to Beefeater, what a welcome break!!!!!!!!!!!!
In a way I am not counting the days as I hate the routine of school days, the must be out the house by..., the must collect from school by.... the pressure of trying to get them to sleep at a more reasonable time as school the next day..then the having to wake them up and get them moving all in a time limit. This past summer holiday has been bliss in the way that I have mainly not had to wear a watch! Then again I will welcome a bit of a break when they are at school but am dreading the fact my youngest starts then too, allbeit 1/2 days till January - I hate being alone when walking etc, am so used to having kids or at least one I get lonely. I am almost tempted to go for another but then we all know they grow up! Am trying to maybe find a job to coincide with school so am not alone and brooding. Behaviour is a little better but bedtimes are not. Hear from you soon I hope...

Jillxx. YOu lucky thing! I'd love to have some free time during the day without work or children too intervene. I'm sure you'll get used to it.

As you can see from these other boards, there seem to be very few angelic children around! I know your problems are worse than most but you oobviusly love and care for your daughter so much - you wouldn't be dreading an empty house otherwise - that I'm sure you'll find things get better with time.

Jillx
Have you thought about helping in school? You don't have to help in your daughter's class, but it's a very good way to get to know teachers, children and other parents, especially as it's a new school for you all. Also I always think that if the teacher knows you are putting yourself out for the school, they are more inclined to put themselves out for you. And if you know them better, the whole school seems more familiar and friendly. Apparently it's also good for the children to know that their parents see school as a good and important part of life. It's also a lot of fun!

I think Copper's idea of offering to help in your daughter's school is a really good one. I wish I could do this myself.

And if you don't start this until term's well under way, you can have a lovely peaceful breather at home - decorating! gardening!! long baths!!! reading!!!! Jillxx, please excuse my rosy-tinted view of what it's like when your school-age children fly the nest. Reading other boards, I can see that not all mothers feel this way, but I really can't empathise with them. The prospect of some daily me-time sounds so appealing.

Hope it works out for you.

Biggest tip from one with a son who is ADHD? Ignore all the awful looks you get from people in public, and the "you really should smack them" advice.
My husband is totally unsympathetic, it's my fault because I'm a c**p mother. Just believe in yourself, and do the bset for your child.

Mel, thanks for the message. It is good to hear from someone in exactly the same boat as me! My daughter is alot better since medication but recently seems to be purposely saying very hurtful things to me in particular. At the mo I try to hide my upset and ignore till she says something nicer then answer - is this right or should I reprimand? I feel she is after a reaction. When they have ADHD does this mean they are also attention seeking and if so should we give the attention 100% (I find this helps her behaviour) or try to show they cannot always be the centre of my attention. I am soooo confused - anymore tips Mel?

The psychiatrist we saw said something interesting. He likened ADHD children's behaviour to playing a slot machine. You keep playing, even though you know the chances of a payout are slim to nil, because it just MIGHT. A child with ADHD will always carry on the behaviour, in the hope that on the nth time you will give in, and they get their payout. So, of course, that unfortunately means that you can NEVER give in to behaviour that you have identified as a problem, and stick to routines that you have established. I have found it so hard because I'm the sort of person who's happy to take it all as the mood of the moment and the children dictates. But I can't do that - and never will be able to. I found Christopher Green and Kit Chee's book very useful. I also bought a book in the USA a couple of years ago (which I have lent to a friend and have forgotten who it's by, but will find out for you) called "How to Bring Up Your ADHD Child Without Loosing Your Temper" - or words to that effect. That one was a Godsend! The author wrote about trid and tested techniques her family have used - and they have worked for us too.
ADHD children are 100% attention seeking and when DS was 6 I found that it was easier to give the attention or it ended in a huge row, blown out of all proportion to what would have been 1 or 2 minutes of my time. He's 8 and a half now and has learnt that he has to wait, and does - MOST of the time. It is a hard slog, no doubt about that, and it's not something I can ever claim to be an expert on. One thing I have learnt, is that , what works and appeals to his better nature at this moment in time, won't neccessarily work tomorrow, in an hour or even in the next 10 minutes! You have to become really good at quickly weighing up a situation and knowing (or hoping) what will work THAT time. Hope it helps Jillxx - let me know how you get on. I hope your DH does come round, I don't think mine ever will - some things you just have to accept and get on with it by yourself perhaps? I do sometimes wonder whether the relationship will survive though. Not just because of the ADHD, but that compounded with the fact that I think he is still unprepared (after nearly 9 years!!!) to accept how much the children have taken over our lives - and the ADHD only adds to this. Your daughter is NOT spoilt and naughty - don't let anyone EVER tell you that. When it gets to screaming point, shut yourself in the loo and repeat F* O** to youself and you'll be amazed how calm you feel afterwards!! Alternatively, post me a message!!!
Lots of luck!!

Jillxx - P.S. I taught a little girl who would say hurtful things and she was ADHD, and 6 at the time. I used to tell her that it was unkind, and had hurt the feelings of the person she had said them too. The problem is, ADHD children find it very hard to put themselves in another person's place and see things from another person's point of view. Also, they are compulsive and often can't stop themselves, even though, as soon as you remind them, ther realise what they have done. Does this make sense? My DS says hurtful things and they really do cut to the quick sometimes. What I do is tell him that it was hurtful, but tell him that even so , I still love him - whatever he says. I do warn him though, that his friends won't be so understanding! I tell him that I have no choice - I'm his mother - but his friends DO have a choice!

In reply to Jilxx's original query, it could well be that the medication is causing these 'angry outbursts'. Methylphenidate (which is the generic name for Ritalin) is a far from harmless drug. Last Sunday's Observer had a piece (at www.observer.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,548884,00.html) entitled 'Children's drug is more potent than cocaine'.
Perhaps more disturbing was a report from Canada two years ago which suggested that at least 9% of children who'd been prescribed methylphenidate then developed psychotic symptoms. You can check out the details at www.breggin.com/ritalinconfirmingthehazards.html.
I'd be the last person to suggest that the behavioural symptoms variously associated with ADHD don't exist, but the willingness to make such a controversial diagnosis and then prescribe powerful medications may be storing up huge trouble for the future.

Hazzy - no way is the medication causing her outbursts, the outbursts were present since the age of 2, she started medication at 6. The medication has helped her enormously I cannot explain the vastness of improvement.
Mel - thanks for understanding, I took my hubby to a support meeting last week and I think now he is accepting things more, he seems a bit calmer towards her when she 'flips', and takes time to try reasoning, often to no avail but at least he is trying more now. Also am interested in reading the book about not losing your temper as some days it is very difficult. Thanks for the postings everyone!

I am having problems with my 4 year old ds who has become increasingly aggressive at nursery - anger outburts mainly - he does have these at home to a lesser extent but nothing like at nursery and when I take him out he is never a problem. What do you actually look for in an adhd child, is it constant uncontrollable behaviour?

you've probably done this already but i recommend getting your daughter to see a good nutritionist and a homoeopath (non-classical that is - this is important as they get much better results for things like ADHD)
Good luck

message withdrawn

How do you go about finding a nutritionist/homeopath - and what is
non-classical sorry to sound so uninformed.

How do you go about finding a nutritionist/homeopath - and what is
non-classical sorry to sound so uninformed.

Lulu40 - I don't know if you live in London but there's a great clinic in North Finchley that is attached to the College of Practical Homoeopathy (Tel. 0208 4456123)All the homoeopaths are non-classical (a classical hom. prescribes exactly in accordance with Hahnemann the founder of homoeopathy which would have worked brilliantly in the 1850's but in this day and age of new illnesses and toxicity is slow to act and only skims the surface - whereas a non-classical or practical homoeopath prescribes using a variety of methods/doses/remedies to treat and cure modern day sickness).
I'm a first year student there and whilst i've always been to homoeopaths (classical -because i didn't know any difference)what i've seen and learnt over the last year has just blown me away.
Definatly worth a try
Best of luck