desperately struggling with two year old

[pregnantpause]

Hello, sorry but I have to wrote down how hard I am finding being a mother just now. I am 24 weeks pregnant and my dd has just g0ne two and it feels like everything is a battle atm. She tantrums at everything, and spends most of the day screaming. I expected the odd tantrums, but its constant. And its not helped by the fact that for the three days before my first day alone with her she is with my lol, who does not put her for naps and has activities and something to do all day every day. Then when I have her she's not happy to stay at home, and just play with her toys. But I am finding myself shouting and growling at my dd because of her bad behavior. Constantly. I'm miserable and scared that I am a terrible mother. I'm at my wits end. How does everybody else cope when dcs go through this? Or is my dd the only one that has constant tantrums? Please help me

I'm sorry you are feeling like a bad mother - you aren't or you wouldn't be on here asking for help.

Your DD is not the only one who has a lot of tantrums, I bet there are times when she is tantrum free too but these times are the hardest ones.

I find I get into a cycle of being angry, reacting badly and shouting, then my ds's react badly to me and the whole thing just escalates. For me, I have to make myself stop and think before I yell, just to break the cycle, and then they do behave better. Of course, I last a half a day and I'm shouting again but no one is perfect!

You must be tired, remember you are doing your best and please don't be too hard on yourself.

pregnantpause - sympathies, my DS (2yrs 2 mths) is like this at the moment and i don't have being pregnant to contend with. I'm a nursery nurse and have tried all my best tricks to no avail!

I'm just being really consistent with him in terms of what is acceptable.

It will pass. Its possible your DD is confused about your pregnancy too, even if you haven't outright told her yet, they pick up on things.

My coping mechanism is to be outside as much as possible (but then again i'm not 24 weeks pregnant). We also go along to a few of our free childrens activities (library, sure start) and this helps as it keeps him busy.

Yes, my two year old is driving me crazy at the moment (and then two minutes later , I look at him and think awwwww ).

Some things that work IME - have a 4yo too:

1. lots of warnings/prep/explanation
   eg 'last one', 'after this story, we need to go and get dressed.'

2. acknowledgement
   you want a biscuit? You can have a biscuit later, not now. You can have an apple or a banana

3. distraction
   LOOOK!!!! a spider/red car/banana - whatever

All of the above do work and I do them mostly. However, sometimes it's just damn hard cos you are tired and can't be bothered. Am 22 weeks pregnant myself so empathise . Take it easy, and agree don't be too hard on yourself.

Things that work on mine are

1. Distraction - "look! CAT!" Awww, it's gone. What does a cat say "Meeoowww" Tantrum forgotten.
2. Routine - it gives a sense of security and reassurance. They know what to expect so may object less when it happens. e.g. time for a sleep after lunch.
3. Ignore the tantrum - no reaction can diffuse it sometimes as it's not worth the bother.

HTH

Thanks for your advice and replies.

Jelly- this is what happenss its a cycle and your right i should be the one to better my behaviour in that im the adult in the situation.

On the days i have her( i work 3 days a week) our routine is fairly consistent, but in trying to do activities with her uch as library we enjoy it- until she has to leave- roll on public tantrum. or when i talk her for a walk, she will-for no reason as she cannot posibly be tired of walking yet- he will try to get me to carry her. when i refuse yet another public tantrum. so i now dread going out because i hate to suffer the embarrassment of her tantrums in public. i really feel like a failure in these types of situations.

Still its good to know that im not the only one who struggles sometimes. just a bit overwhelmed atm as she has always been so well behaved, until around three weeks ago when it all went wrong.

Thanks again

pregnantpause - sounds just like my DS, i'm also dreadinf public outings. With DS I give him a clear choice, 'either you can walk or i'll carry you, what shall we do?'. I also give him a clear countdown to leaving activities, right we are going to read one more book (library) then we will go home for ...lunch...tea etc. Then whne book finished 'can you put that one back, then its time to ....'. Doesn't work all the time but helps him feel he has some control,and has cut down on tantrums.

The other day when out he decided to sit on pavement again (for about the 8th time in 2 days!) and before i had said ' you can either get up and walk or i'll carry you' this resulted in a screaming fit from him when i did pick him up. So on this occasion I ignored him, busied myself (or at least looked that way to him), he sat for a minute or two, looked at me and said 'we go home now mummy?'. Think he was thriving on the drama of me telling him off. Having said all that an old lady did tut at me for this, i just smiled at her (but inside was so ) but he's my child and i'll deal with him i see fit not how i think i should if people are watching me. (we was on a quiet side road with a wide pavement, so there was plenty of room!)

Sometimes before we go out, I suggest some kind of manipulation game e.g. who is going to spot the most people with brown hair or who can walk over the pavement but not on the cracks etc. and they get a prize of a sweet or something. Then before the tantrum starts, and I can see when that is, I start playing the game and it might distract them enough to forget about the tantrum. Or not.

Is there something she particularly likes that you could make a game of? Exhausting though it is.

Don't think of it as being a failure, I tell myself that mums are just people who do different things wrong!

I find it helps with tantrums to remember that it's not that they think "I know, I'll lie on the floor and scream just to make mum's life hard!" but that (at least at first) it's a reaction to having a feeling about something which is so overwhelming that they can't have it.

Giving a name to the feeling can help e.g. "It must be frustrating to see someone else playing with your toys" "I know it's hard when you can't have what you want."

Warnings "In five minutes we have to leave." "It's time to tidy up now." "You may have three more goes on the slide, let's count." and telling her what is going on is a good idea. Also try not to say "It's time to go now" but something like "Let's go home and have a sandwich!" or "Let's go and see the ducks on the way home!" or even "We've got to to go on the bus!" Put on an enthusiastic voice and try to think of something fun or unusual involved in the next activity, rather than focusing on stopping this activity. I find DS is happier to leave somewhere when we go to a session with a definite end point, like a toddler group or a rhyme time group at the library.

If she's two can you not take a pushchair on walks? If she wants to be carried you explain she has two choices: She can walk, or she can go in the pushchair. It's easier to carry on walking if the tantrumming child is strapped into a pushchair. Or try to engage her in a game e.g. find a puddle to splash in or a pile of leaves to kick or a flower to sniff.

Do you feel that on the days she is not with you, her routine on these days is detrimental to her behaviour on the other days? Could you address this with whoever looks after her on these days? The other routine related thing that I find is that DS is very likely to tantrum if he's tired, hungry or thirsty. He's not a great eater but I try to offer a snack or meal every two hours or so. Things like a banana, cereal bar, half a marmite sandwich, are better than biscuits or crisps or even some other sugary fruit like raisins as the energy is slow release and he doesn't get a sugar-crash later on.

I really understand your pain - you are pregnant and therefore your energy is less. Your DC will have picked up on this just at a time when she is craving lots of attention and has lots of energy to burn. I really struggled when pregnant with DS2 (20 month age gap), and DS1 was frustrated that I didn't want to play at home on the floor and that I didn't want to spend hours in the park. There were endless tantrums and all because "he knew something was up" and because Mummy wasn't fun anymore. All I wanted was for DS1 to vanish and for me to curl into a ball and go to sleep!

All I can say is that now his brother is here and I have more energy than I ever had in pregnancy (physically, mentally and emotionally), DS1 is a dream - cooperative, helpful, easygoing. He quite literally changed overnight because I could give him the time he wanted.

With regards to poor behaviour, you may need to exert your authority and remember that YOU are the adult. Whatever you decide, be consistent. Also, remember to pick your battles! For me, if we are out, "time out" is to be strapped into the buggy (warning given and if he is naughty again he goes in the buggy). At home, I have a bare playpen and the same applies. After 2 months of consistent warnings and sanctions, I barely have to use them. Finally I would say, "PRAISE< PRAISE, PRAISE" - whenever she does something well etc, tell her.

I hope things start to improve and I really feel for you - pregnany is rubbish (but worth it for the bundle at the end!!)

xx

overwhelming that they can't handle it.

Mmm, she does like counting, but she is also very slow oin learning to talk. She can understand everything, but has yet to form a sentence, she can only say around thirty words. I think this communication barrier frustrated her. And she knows I am pregnant, though I am not sure she unswrstands what that means, she knows it means that I can't carry her. And I think she has figured out that a street/outdoor tantrum is out of my control because I have no way of picking her up and forcing her home/ up/ in the right direction.

Mumsnet is great for a good release isn't it?

Just thought I'd add dont let public tantrums stop you going out if you want to. I dont think anyone would judge you if she's kicking off...its a phase that all children go through. Whenever I see someones child having a tantrum I just think thank goodness its not mine this time!!

Goodluck, its really tough being pregnant with a 2yr old...my baby was born 3 weeks ago, ds is 2.4 but already its much easier as dont have the same physical tiredness I had when pregnant-it'll be the same for you I'm sure