Gettting them to stay in timeout/How to make rapid return to bed work

[TheLemur]

I could really do with some pointers please on some behavioural issues and what I'm doing wrong...

Time out/Naughty step: How on earth do you get them to stay still on the step? I frequently try to put DS 3.1 on the step at the moment for hitting me, but when I put him there he just chases after me to hit me some more. I physically manhandle him back but he chases me again. I have tried shutting myself in a room and holding the door shut but the screaming/kicking etc only seems to escalate and I get worried that someone is really going to get hurt eg: trap their fingers in the door so I try to elicit an apology/cuddle/calming distraction and he never really has the 3 minutes quiet.

Rapid return: Whenever DS gets out of bed I try to just put him back a la Supernanny... the first time saying 'sleepytime' but after that no words. However, I admit I am a total wuss and for the first few returns if he asks for a cuddle/song I usually give it to him, bad I know but I can't help it! If I put him back without any words he sees it as a game and keeps on doing it and doing it saying "I'm having fun" and frankly it's so bloody infuriating when I'm tired & hungry and need to cook. Often we don't eat til 8.45-9, is it me or is that crazy? Plus all the time it is happening I am getting madder and madder inside thinking that if he doesn't go to sleep soon he will be a nightmare tomorrow.

I really am a very patient person and pretty much the only thing that winds me up is this hitting and getting out of bed behaviour from DS, both of which have come about pretty recently and I'm not sure why - no new sibling or similar changes, I can only think it's overtiredness (he is a bad sufferer). DH is not much use at bedtime - he tried the other day and ended up taking away the lamp in DS's room which he then cried for in the middle of the night

We never suceeded with a naughty step for the same reason as you. We use a naughty corner instead. If ds1 wouldn't stay there, I found it much easier to sit behind him, with his legs crossed and keep him there until he had calmed down enough to stay by himself. He's 4.10 now and once he's sent to the corner he knows it's easier just to sit it out

I can't help with the rapid return bit I'm afraid, luckily ds1 never got out of his bed once he was in it (I have a feeling that ds2 may be a different story!).

if you feel yourself getting mad remove yourself for a minuet and count down from 10 in your head.

Only use time out as a last last resort of other methods have not worked. When you do a time out you have to meen buisness and if your child knows it then he will do it.

If you are putting them to sit on the step etc then you must keep moving them back in a mecanical way. No dialoge etc just action.. it may take 100 times but it is only sucessful of they come out of it calmer.

Other things to try:
Distraction so underated but really a good tool... when you see things could kick off distract him ie "Oh my goodness lets go and X Y or Z and make it the most exciting activty on earth.

Using a very quiet voice sometimes can help if a child is shouty as they will copy you.

Ignore negative behaviour where possible walk away and remove yourself from him.

Use the ignoring with copieous amounts of praise as praise is such a useful tool.

Also make it specific ie "I love the way you just helped me with X well done"

The bedtime thing what is your routine like at night?

Argh I just wrote a reply then the site went down!

IwishIwas I will try the corner thing, thanks. Do you just keep quiet while sitting with him? And are you sort of 'hugging' him or facing the other way pinning him in?

mrtumble, our bedtime routine is pretty good - bath, story, bed and last night it worked like a dream. It's just some nights (when overtired probably) that this all kicks off and it will knock on to tomorrow now too

If I have to do timeout 100 times then if my back will take it that's what I'll do, I'll just have to wait for a tantrum that isn't at bedtime as I can't face the bedtime routine becoming even more prolonged

I do the praise, even the specific stuff (have read 'How to Talk') which he laps up and I'm pretty good at distraction when something is about to kick off, but I think that hitting is so bad it warrants immediate timeout no?

example: Tonight he said 'pardon me' after a 'bottom burp' (his words!) so I said he was so polite that I would get him a sticker for his chart after his bath. However when he started chucking water out of the bath I warned him if he continued he would not be getting his sticker. He continued so I said no sticker. He continued so I said he needed to come out of the bath (it was finished anyway) and gave him the count of 3. Water was still being chucked so I hauled him out of the bath at which point he started punching me in the face. Not pleasant.

With the sticker chart it may well be better to give it straight away otherwise the sticker could be lost as he may not remember what it was for.

The bath thing- yes he should not punch you in the face but could you have made light of him throwing the bath water out and distracted him ie " Oh I see you are ready to come out now when we have our jim jams on what story shall we have?"

The hitting and punching must be delt with teh same way each time wether it is time out or you leaving the room he is in he has got to know it is unaceptable. (easier said than done I know :))

once you are sucessful with time out then it will get less and less you have to take him.

Thanks mrtumble, yes in hindsight I could have distracted regarding the water, it just hit a nerve as he knows he's not supposed to do it so was obviously trying to get a reaction. I shouldn't have risen to it.

And yes you are right about the sticker, although the chart is in a different room to the bath. Maybe I should have used that as the distraction to the water... come on lets choose your sticker. These things are so difficult to spot when you're in the midst of it all though aren't they?!

I know :)! I work with children with behaviour difficulties which gives me an extra idea of things that work from a profetional POV.

Also another key 1 pick your battles

When he was at his worst, I would sit behid him, at times having to hold him there which was ok to do and sounds a lot worse than it was.

As things improved, I would stand a couple of metres away from him so that he knew I was there if he looked (he has to face into the corner) so knew not to try to run away.

I agree that it's important to pick your battles - though hitting is one of the ones that we've chosen too!

Distraction is great and I find that it works well while I'm still feeling relatively in control and up-beat about the situation, but I find it gets less easy the more tired and weary I feel.

Good luck, and remember that this too shall pass!