How can I stop my 6 year old crying all the time over nothing?

[Tryharder]

He's 6 next week, actually.

DS1 has always been a bit, how shall I say, "highly strung" and prone to episodes of bad behaviour but recently,he seems to have fallen into the habit of crying/screaming over the slightest thing or when asked to do something he doesn't want to do.

For example, I asked him to come upstairs this morning after breakfast and get dressed. Big deal, right? But he had a screaming fit because he wanted to watch Pingu!!!! He had another fit because he dropped some lego...then another cry because I changed the CD on the car stereo. His reaction is so out of proportion to the event if you see what I mean.

It's so wearing and so unnecessary. We've tried talking to him, teasing him, sending him to bed and ignoring. We donit cajole or give in however. It winds us up so much sometimes that we end up shouting which obviously doesn't help. It just spoils our whole family life and I really want him to stop. It would be so nice if he could just do as he is asked without a major meltdown.

Any suggestions??

Is he tired? hungry?overstimulated?

Are your expectations of his behaviour appropriate to a 5 year old?

He sounds very unhappy.

Do you listen to him?

Are you consistant in your expectations/discipline?

Do you agree as a couple on parenting styles/rules?

Has anything happened that could be making him anxious?

It's ghastly, isn't it, when they do that.

DS1, who's 3.7 years has such tendencies, and I've found that warning him of imminent breaches of his human rights, such as turning off the television, or having to go upstairs for a bath, five minutes before they happen, does help to stop him from throwing a major wobbly.

Unfortunately, I've yet to find a way to pre-empt or curtail the hysteria that ensues when he breaks a banana or his train track needs fixing...

He sounds unhappy or worried about something, or angry.

Could you have a day on your own with him, and make it all about him? Listen to him and coax him out a little, just to see if there is something that's making him unhappy. Did the bad behaviour coincide with going back to school or a new sibling? Sometimes there's a delayed reaction to these things, so you don't spot the connection.

If it carries on, maybe you should take him to the doctor, just to make sure there's no physical reason for his behaviour.

Good luck.

3littlefrogs,

He is sometimes tired but we are pretty good at bedtime and he gets about 11 hours of sleep at night - behaviour worse when tired we are aware of this. He eats well, so not the problem.

My expectations of behaviour are probably quite high as he is otherwise very clever and well spoken for his age. DH is worse as he comes from West Africa where children are very grown up from an early age. So, I agree, could be an issue.

He's not unhappy in himself - he just has tantrums/crying fits which are forgotten about after a few minutes. He's doing well at school. We are a loving family. Don't think there are any issues here.

Do we listen to him? I try to perhaps not always successfully - will keep this in mind.But if a nearly 6 year old is crying because he doesn't want to get dressed due to watching telly, what is there to say/ I can't agree with him.

Are we consistent? Perhaps not always. You know, I really try to be a good parent but so often fail miserably

Do we agree as a couple? Not always but we try and argue in private about it [wry grin emoticon]. We don;t undermine each other in front of the kids though.

Any events making him anxious? Possibly -new class at school, friends at school moved into a new class, new baby in house. Nothing I can do anything about really.

Thanks for your suggestions - will ponder on them!

It depends what it's about, doesn't it? If he's testing the boundaries, then you would have to be firm. But from your post, I got the immpression he was unhappy, rather than naughty.

I read something on another post about this which I thought was interesting. It was about crying really being all about frustration and not being able to express properly. I think the solution was to coax them to talk about how they are feeling/what's wrong rather than just crying and calming them down by asking questions and reminding them that you can't understand what is wrong if they can't stop crying. I think that was the gist of it anyway...

Tryharder: sounds like he's got a lovely life, and you sound like a good parent (whatever that is...)!

But maybe he does need just a little extra TLC at the moment.

And I know plenty of 6-year-olds who make a fuss about getting dressed. When my son was doing this (aged 5), a friend suggested a chart with stickers, and although I thought it was rather schoolie, I tried it. It really worked, almost instantly. It said '(Son's name) got dressed without any fuss today' and if he did, he got a sticker. At the end of the week, if he had 7 stickers, he got a lucky bag from the corner shop.

New baby in house might be something to consider.

Also - I found the TV being on in the mornings the worst cause of stress and bad behaviour ever. I banned it completely in the mornings in my house and it made a huge difference.

He can watch Pingu either recorded or on DVD after school.

And I do agree that being unable to articulate and express feelings can just lead to tears of frustration. At almost 6 he doesn't have the insight or the vocabulary to verbalise his feelings.

Actually - the things you have mentioned are all a source of real stress and anxiety to a little boy. No you can't change any of them, but you can be forgiving and understanding and encourage him to express his worries and fears in a secure and loving environment.

It does sound to me as if your expectations of him are too high TBH.

Also - beware of falling into the trap of thinking that cleverness and good vocabulary equals emotional maturity.

I often think that bright children who have a wide vocabulary do suffer from unrealistic expectations in other areas, in the same way that tall/well built children are expected to act older than their years by adults who don't know their real age, IYSWIM.

yes 3littlefrogs I agree, often 5 &6 yr olds forget they can talk! it's normal IMO and will pass with understanding.

Tryharder - he sounds EXACTLY like my DS. He is now almost 9 and cries a lot less than he used to, but I used to find it frightening how out-of-proportion his reactions seemed to small events that upset him. "Highly strung" is also a polite way I could describe him!

He would cry at the least thing, and proper melt downs ? tears streaming, wailing, the lot. It's hard to deal with. He is also very bright and articulate which i think makes it harder in a way, almost like you expect more of them because they act so grown up in other ways. My DH had no patience with it. His teacher said he was academically above average, but emotionally way below it.

I'm not quite sure how we have got through the worst of it, but he is much better now. He sulks rather than wails, which I find easier to deal with. It is easier to bring him round back into good humour, and easier to talk about his feelings. I think I mainly started ignoring his crying, walking away (unless it really was about something important of course), and then talking about it when he had calmed down. So he gets the attention when he's calm rather than when he's crying. BUT, it's taken a long time and whether that's what's made the difference, or whether he's just growing out of it I don't know.

Sorry for the essay, just wanted to sympathise.

Thanks all. Have a lot of ideas and will have a good think about it all. Will try and ride this phase out and DH and I have just had a chat about it (he doesn't know I posted, he would go mental if he thought I had written about our lives on the internet!) and we have agreed to ignore the tantrums completely.

We are trying to encourage him to make new friends in his class and have invited a lot of them to his birthday. He lost his 3 best friends due to a class reshuffle and even though he sees them at break, it;s not the same.

Thanks, ladies.

DD also 6 does this too - she cries if she has lost something (it will be where she left its not instantly to hand), she cries when on the days when I have to go to work the next day, she cries if her brother calls her something (it will be something terrible like "pumpkin head"), for anything at all really.

Over the years it has driven my to distraction and has most deffinitely affected my relationship with her - the crying just irritates me so much.

Then, several months ago she said that she thought I loved her brother more than her. I talked to her and it turned out that she really did think that. I was stunned. I started to think that perhaps she cried because she felt insecure.

I have told her that of course it is not the case that I love her brother more but if anything ever happens that makes her think so she must tell me at once and we will talk about it. She has said on a few occassions that she is feeling that way in the oddest situtations and it has really helped me to understand her.

Can you find out if something is making your son feel insecure and then find a way of getting him to talk to you when he needs to?

I have a 6 yo who sounds very similar to your son try, I sympathise.

He has been prone to crying fits mainly over testing boundaries with us - he became hysterical when I cut his toenails this week. He is also articulate and bright and the oldest of three (he has two little sisters), this morning when he was having a hissy fit over me not helping him put his pants on I found I was eventually able to reason with him - by expalining that I had three children to get ready, that he was old enough to put his own pants on and that what would really help was if he could show his sisters how to get ready and help one of them find their shoes. How much I loved him and how much I appreciated his help. An added incentive for him was the reminder that his hissy fit over the toe nail clipping had let to a computer ban for the week - but I was willing to repeal that by the weekend if he stopped being a- brat-- causing a fuss.

So if your ds is motivated by reward or competition use that to distract him into better behaviour.

I think my ds will always be a bit highly strung and thin skinned (his father is!) but lots of motivation and emotional security from home will help.

I have been in near constant pain from toothache this week (root canal next week arrgh) so my patience with him has not been great but we have to alow ourselves to be human and tbh it is good for children to see parents are human, it is how we resolve things with them and ensuring they always feel safe and loved that is important (imo).

It is interesting to consider how many of us talk at our children, rather than sitting down to have a conversation with them, or chatting with them whilst doing something enjoyable together.

Our lives are so busy, and children grow and change so fast, and have so much to deal with in their lives that is huge for them, but seems insignificant to us. I wonder whether we really don't have the time to get to know our children.

hi, my ds was like this too and like Fridayatlast's ds, he is nearly 9 too and we have seen a massive improvement over the last year.

One thing that really helped was getting him to talk about his feelings a lot more. We realised that for an eloquent, bright boy, he was actually extremely bad at putting into words how he felt. So his only definition in his head was CROSS or NOT CROSS lol!

So I sat with him, explained what frustration was and sadness and anger etc. etc. It sounds hugely basic but it was very useful for him. So rather than bursting into tears and throwing a strop, I would be saying to him USE SOME WORDS and he would say 'I don't want to stop that video game as I'm at an important stage and if I finish this stage, I can save and start from there next time' (for example). Then I would say fine and he would go away and finish.

This took months by the way, a very long time.

But after a while, he saw that using words got a result. And I really rewarded him using words at first (rather than screaming/hitting/crying) too to make sure he got the message.

He is still highly strung now and still has moments but he is so so much better than he was! Ours was as much a hitting/crying problem together but you might find something useful in there.

also a very key thing we were doing wrong was trying to stop him crying. His crying/screaming was just his way of displaying his frustration at the situation. So by trying to just say STOP we weren't actually addressing why he was doing that rather than using words if that makes sense.

(ps ds also had a speech problem as a child, is often the way with frustrated children!)

I had a very enjoyable chat with my ds this weekend whilst doing a Harry Potter lego set (though tears came when I had to stop to make lunch etc.) and we sit together as a family to eat dinner and we walk everywhere so there is plenty of time for chatting then.

I do choose not to over commit time to after school clubs etc at the moment though. At least while the children are so young (nearly)2, 4 and 6, but I can imagine as children get older and more interested in their friends and other activities etc. that time for chatting will become much restricted... as a child I felt my mum used me as a sounding board and confidante for her problems too much (she was unhappy and did not have friends) - so I am very concious that I want my children to see me as a supporter and a loving Mother but not a friend and I don't mean I am a victorian parent. Sorry I am rambling on and this is not really relevant to your op tryharder

My son is nearly six and cries over nothing too. I think this must be common. I've seen his school mates in tears because they've forgotten to bring something in for 'show and tell' for example. Seems at this age tears are never far away. They grow out of it!
I think it's best not to punish or make a big deal over this type of behaviour(easier said than done I know)

My 6 YO DD is exactly the same and shouts, screams, takes it out on her baby sis and anyone else within earshot. We too are consistent, supportive, loving family etc. She too like others have noted is bright and articulate but I agree emotionally immature. I can't handle these episodes, well maybe on a good day but not when she has a particularly bad run of about a zillion tantrums a day. Worst of all is when you have to be together non-stop during the holidays. I have to walk away / go out / do something on my own to stop myself losing the plot! I think you just have to let them grow out of it as the talking about it bit has never worked on the umpteen occasions tried by various people. I think it's just her personality TBH ( my DSD was almost identical and is now grown up and still prone to outbursts BION) and as she grows up hopefully she'll learn to moderate her drama queen reactions. Either that or in later life she'll end up expelled from school / sacked from her job / arrested!!! This is one reason why I go to work full time and why I didn't have another baby straight away. Having one child like this was / is enough and the fear of another was too much to bear!

my son is 5 and a half (just started year 1) and can be like this too. Funnily enough it always starts over getting dressed for school, although he can wake in a foul mood (usually on a monday). He is not a morning person. He is highly strung too and over sensitive, those traits are part of him and although hard to deal with at times I am used to it now. He is wonderful on one on one, but when I am busy and on my own with the kids ( mornings and evenings) he is demanding and hard work at times. Its all still a work in progress but I am finding ignoring the moaning/silly comments and lots and lots of patience is helping. I agree that lots of things that go on in their lives is a big deal for them and we sometimes don't appreciate that. Your son being separated from his good friends must be awful for him, his social network in class has disappeared and he needs to start again with relationship building when he was quite happy with the ones he had. I really don't know why schools do this. Try more patience and understanding (not that you're not) but a little extra can make the world of difference. Talk to him and try and get him to open up.

Also in complete agreement re new sibling. My ds was fine at first, but now dd is a 'person' not a baby and demands more of me than she did, I think he has found this hard. He has also asked me if I love her more than him which makes me sad as if anything I have over compensated for her being here with regards to him, but she is is demanding and takes a lot of time at the moment (16 months old). At the same time, he adores her and they have much fun chasing and hiding etc.

I know a lot of the mums seems to be having same problems at the moment in ds class, it's just tough to live with, but you are defo not alone and the behaviour is not unusual.

our just-turned 6-y-o sounds much the same: delightfully cooperative and engaging one minute, screaming the next. it's common and indeed understandable for a child given that they don't realy have a lot of freedom to choose but they do have a lot of feelings and preferences. I don't mean you should give in to him (you're still in charge) but you can sympathise a little with his frustrations ( he's not gaining much by his screaming either, nor enjoying it) or learn more of how he feels as lucy101 said, and try and help him bit by bit find better ways of handling anger and upset. remember to praise him for all the good and impressive things he does and says - don't just discount it 'cos he's 6, and ought to be able to do that by now (dressing himself, staying unattended in the bathroom, whatever) - all his develompment is recent to him and it's great to keep reinforcing that sense of developing, and progressing.

We often find that distraction works surprisingly well when DS (and we) are wound up and yelling. An offbeat observation about something else, or the other parent taking over, can do it. you may have to resist the urge to sanction or resolve every but of bad behaviour to do this - although you can return to it a bit later if you want to admonish the child more calmly, or carry out a consequence. you should try to stick by any threats or consequences, even if said in the heat if the moment

And don't stress too much about it: it is very wearing as you say but parenting is tough and we all need a break from it, mental or physical, once in a while. just to cool off.

This is mine ds, crys when something doesn't quite go his way or meet his expectations. ds's are normally tiredness related but its almost as if he's wearing his heart on his sleeve and just not quite able to express himself emotionally. I've counteracted his outbursts by cuddling him until he stops, tried shouting , and getting irritated with him and funnily enough it didn't work.

Now however ds is being better and not quite so emotive but now won't go to bed in the evening. No idea what to do about this.